some advice on a long dist relationship please...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Before I start this small rant let me make a few things perfectly clear:

  1. I have a bf that I love very much. Do NOT want to break up.
  2. I have a job and a life 1300 miles away from him I also enjoy immensely.
  3. I do not want to get married, live together or move out of Tucson for the SOLE reason of being with him.
  4. I do not want to see other people or be single.
  5. Advice would be appreciated.

I was up all night last night. Talking on the phone with bf, pissing off roommate next door. Not fighting but same ‘discussion’ as always. I’ve been with my bf for 1 ½ years, the last year long distance (Oregon to Arizona). We’re doing the long distance thing because this relationship was too good to give up, after we said we would call it quits last New Year’s. I make plenty of money and fly up to see him once a month, and he comes down here almost as often.

What’s the big deal??? He says that he’s not in a hurry to marry or have kids or anything, and then complains of being jealous of friends who have wives or gf’s at home with them every night [all of his friends are at least 40—I’m just 23 and he’s 25]

I love my job and I love Tucson. I hated my job in Oregon, was tired of living in Oregon and knew I was leaving not to return. I LOVE my life down here. I really like having a long distance relationship—I’m not strapped for traveling money and I have lots of free time every month to do the things that I’m not going to have energy to do when I’m thirty. I work on the really challenging projects at work, take night classes, do karate and amateur theatre at night. I have NO desire to date any one else (in fact, I couldn’t wait for the dating and infatuation phase to be over). I have told him we could stop seeing each other and try to hook back up in a year or we can go on seeing each other every other weekend for a year or two, not date other people and then find work in the same place. He’s not leaving his job for me; I’m not leaving mine. I’d love for us to be able to be together and travel or maybe work abroad. However, I am not moving anywhere for at least one year.

The long distance part is just the beginning for me. He doesn’t like the fact that all my friends are guys. He may have a right to be concerned as I’ve always chosen my so’s from my pool of friends. On one hand he’s afraid that they won’t understand that I’m taken and try to steal me from him [not going to happen], and on the other hand he hates PDA and some of my guy friends who see us together refuse to believe we are actually dating. [The no PDA rule doesn’t bother me too much.]

There’s more crap but this is getting long. All the normal relationship stuff.

He’s a GREAT guy. I have high standards and wouldn’t go through all this if I didn’t think he was worth it. He will make a terrific husband and father. Right now he’s my best friend and the sweetest lover I’ve ever had. I just need to wait [a whole buncha years] until I’m ready for a husband and a father [to my kids]. In a year or so I’d love for us to be able to be in the same town and maybe live together. But I’M TOO YOUNG and I DON’T WANT TO NOW.

The gist of this post is to answer a fundamental question:

Am I trying to have my cake and eat it too?

Sue

2

You definitely have a “situation” here, don’t you?

It sounds like you’ve thought things through carefully, looked at both sides of the question, tried to be fair, etc. – all the things you’d normally do to help you resolve your dilemma. But you don’t seem to have found resolution.

I was going to suggest that you look at what you want in the long run. Do you want this guy to be a part of your life a year from now? Five years from now? Now ask the same questions about your job, or living in Arizona? Then turn it around – how would you feel without this guy, without the job, without Tucson?

But having listed those things I see the answers in what you already wrote. You’ve clearly chosen the job and Tucson over your boyfriend. You’ve already decided to split up, but you haven’t stuck with it. You’re open to exploring options regarding the relationship, but not about where you live or your job. It sounds to me like you’ve made your choice.

If you’re asking whether you really have to make a choice, I think the answer is yes. For both your sakes you need to end the long-distance relationship one way or the other – either end the relationship or remove the long distance. Since neither of you wants to move, it sounds like you should end it, at least temporarily. I think the “stop seeing each other and hook up in a year” is the best course to take. It will give you a chance to weigh the choices you’ve made – if you find you’re missing him all the time, maybe the job/move priorities will change. OR, you may find you do okay without him, which also answers your question.