Quickly! Show him your cross!
My mom has some old kit for delivering Last Rites in a pinch if a priest can’t be summoned in time, including a prayer book and a little vial of holy water. I always called it the anti-vampire kit.
Her’s is a zippered case but this is even better. Comes with a crucifix you can pop open and take holy water out of.
Anyway, if faith-based defenses doesn’t work, I’m down to throwing crushed garlic at it from the fridge. I don’t think I’m going to defeat the undead with a kitchen knife or baseball bat.
At any given time I have a wife and 1-3 children in the house and I can run faster than all of ‘em. So I got that goin’ for me.
LOL. Hey… wait a minute… I think I’m the slowest runner in our house.
I guess I’ll have to depend on my always generous supply of garlic.
Elephant garlic and a spud gun.
Damn, I wonder why Van Helsing never thought of this.
Garlic infused cooking oil. Pour it in a squirt gun and presto - instant vampire WMD! Oil is harder to wipe off than garlic infused water.
As an added benefit, any solid bits remaining are ready to throw on the grill. I’ve always wanted to try vampire steaks…
I always scold my husband for stinking up the fridge with his non- resealable packets of garlic olives, but I might have to rethink that in case of a vampire in the home.
So, I’d run to the fridge and start rubbing garlicky olives in my hair. If that doesn’t repel the vampire, maybe it will just gross him out.
They’re bloody good. Only problem is if not prepared properly, they come back to haunt you.
We always have garlic handy. And I like Doctor Jackson’s idea: while our cooking oil isn’t garlic-infused, we could mash up some garlic (wonder if garlic powder will do - less fresh, but easier to work with), mix it into vegetable oil, and pour into a squirt gun. (The Firebug is 7. We have squirt guns.)
What nationality is he?
(See? I do remember the books.)
I have one crucifix, several crosses, some silver and iron, and we always have garlic in the fridge. We also inherited the family “sick call set” so we got all the stuff in there including the Holy Water. We could probably survive most of the species and kill at least a few.
There’s a Celtic Cross hanging on the outside of the house near the front door, so hopefully that keeps them out. If not, we have some garlic in the pantry, and there are plenty of pieces of wood in the garage that can be fashioned into stakes.
Based on Hammer Horror films, there won’t be a Vampire without a beautiful scantily-clad girl 
as well.
Since I don’t have such a female :smack:, I figure I’m safe.
We have crucifixes in various rooms, plus a bottle of holy water from Lourdes (due to a medical scare in our family, which has fortunately turned out OK). If I’m allowed to go out into the yard, I can grab the wooden stake I cut for a yard light, after the plastic one that came with the light broke.
Really, that vampire picked the wrong fucking house to break into
What if the Botox hasn’t worn off?
We have a couple of crosses. My faith is strong enough (I hope) to dispel any B&E vampires.
Ah, yes. The ol’ Jewish shuriken defense.
I need to buy a bunch of them, and go to work with a file.
Vampire attacks? There’s an app for that!
One of my pet unicorns can be very aggressive towards strangers. The other will just lick him to death and if the vampire makes the mistake of sitting down, she’ll sit on his lap.
This is the reason that we can’t have Nice Things.