What do you have to stop them?
I didn’t invite them.
Okay, okay, say your three year old got up for a glass of water and said “Hey, come in!” to the bat slapping at the window pane.
break out the emergency loaf of garlic bread.
also count by threes.
I break off a Sunray/Sunbeam in his ass with my light I have for SAD and my blacklight. While s/he’s melting from that, I ask the DM if .45ACP and/or .270 Winchester count as Magic Missiles or Bolts of Glory for these purposes. And then I blast it with a lot more than 5 per round.
Hopefully, it’ll drop some phat loot usable by mundanes like me.
A crucifix hanging in our bedroom.
Hmmm, you may have pointed out a weakness in our defenses. There are any number of crucifixes, mostly Celtic, hung about the casa but I understand that their efficacy relies upon one’s level of faith. Bricker, I believe has the requisite faith. I…like chicken. So that’s out.
Being a history buff I have a lot of pointy and edged things scattered about the house, hanging on the wall, laying on the books on a shelf etc. I suppose I could try that as they are all real, not wall hangers, and I am moderately proficient in their use.
Now if modern weaponry were permitted to be effective by the DM then we’d simply replicate the rec room scene from Tremors. 
Well, we have multiple crucifixes around. Plus garlic in the refrigerator and lots of garlic salt in the cupboard. While that’s holding him off I can pull out my hatchet and make a quick stake*. We’ve also got a UV flashlight and several blacklights, if it turns out that UV light is the active element in sunlight that kills vampires (and if the vamp is one of those, unlike Varney and Bram Stoker’s Dracula, who doesn’t dissolve in sunlight).
There are plenty of other things used to get rid of vampires, as Uncle Cecil recounted long ago. We’ve got extra-long nails and lemon juice, if that’s what it takes.
We’re low on holy water and wolfbane, though.
*Most people thin k you can just take any old stick and pound it into a vampire. But have a look at the stake used in Stoker’s novel – it’s about three feet long. Some people claim you have to char the end, and drive it in with a sexton’s hammer. On the other hand, in Carl Dreyer’s movie Vampyr they used a metal stake, so as long as you have some rebar on hand you ought to be OK.
I spill the rice container on the ground…
Re: use of a crucifix. In Harry Turtledove’s The Case Of The Toxic Spell Dump, a minor incident points out that any vampire that survives in a predominately Christian society is immune to The Cross yet will still be susceptible to other religious symbols.
Then I’ll whip out a Magen David.
But does the stake actually kill the vampire, or do you have to leave it there, immobilized on the floor so you have to step around it while it’s screaming at you? If the spot is not exposed to direct sunlight, do you then have to tear down some wall to let it in? And once the vampire is dead, what do you do - pull the stake out, put it back in its coffin, and hope it doesn’t pop up saying “JK LOL”?
That’s why I have a Coexist bumper sticker. Covers all the major ones.
Ahh, that’s where you get involved in vampire theology.
1.) Some claim (as the Perfect Master has imputed) that the stake is actually intended to “pin the vampire to the ground”. If so, it doesn’t so much kill it as immobilize it, and all those plays (like the original Dracula, and countless movies and TV shows) got it wrong
2.) Maybe the stake is just supposed to keep open a large opening that lets the blood come out, as in Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend (but in none of the films based on it.) Matheson’s hero eventually realized that the stake was superfluous and stopped making and using them.
3.) In one of the Christopher Lee movies, Dracula, despite being impaled on a stake the size of the one described in Stoker’s original novel, simply pulls it out and goes on unloving. Sometime, I guess, it doesn’t work. (Vincent Price, watching this on some TV show, commented “He wasn’t playing fair, was he?”)
4.) As I mentioned above (and before), vampires dying of exposure to sunlight isn’t exactly canon, and Varney, Dracula (in Stoker’s novel, and the Coppola film), and other vampires have walked in daylight, so exposing them to light won’t necessarily help. But it couldn’t hurt…
Depends. Is it a hot guy? And would he turn me into a vampire?
If he’s not hot and not recruiting, I’m lobbing garlic at him.
Mogen David? You’re going to kill it with bad wine? 
Grab a wooden toothpick from the container on the kitchen counter, quickly plunge it into a clove of garlic to coat the tip with essential oil, then jab it into the vampire right above the breastbone.
Yes, seems a bit involved, I agree, but if one practises regularly, as I do, it becomes almost second nature.
Are we talking about sexy vampires? You know like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Damon Salvatore from Vampire Diaries, **Mitchell **from Being Human (BBC), and Eric from True Blood? Well, I’d invite them in and gladly let them suck my… blood.
Not that I could stop them or any other vampire anyways.
I’d pimp slap him with a hamsa and then maybe chuck a menorah at him?
Prayer. Because if an actual real vampire is there, then reality as I knew it has broken down.
Failing that, I would see if a few well-placed rounds would shatter its knees. If it has instant healing factor, I’m screwed.
Develop a body odor so malodorous that video gamers and vampires would be put off by it.
Brand them with my BBQ grill and point and laugh at their rage.
Give them bad medical or legal advice.
Call them to rudely market something.
Make them watch a Veerhoven movie with me, while discussing how deep the satire of it truly is.
In other words, I would DOPE them!