What do you have in your paranormal defense kit?

Inspired by this [thread=490532]thread[/thread], I started to wonder about paranormal home defense.

I have a kukri, the preferred anti-zombie hand weapon of both Alice and T. Slothrop. I suspect it would also be of value against the good people, since they can’t tolerate cold iron.

I have a small silver Buddha pendant, which would, I suppose, be semi-useful against vampires. Dracula comics once showed the Count being repelled by a Star of David, so I suppose Buddha might work. If necessary, perhaps I can cram it down the mouth of an attacking werewolf, but I don’t think my odds are good.

I usually have a 5 lb bag of coarse Hawaiian salt, for use against ghosts invading the house.

Really, I guess I’m kind of in deep trouble, should the doors to other other world fling wide.

What do you have?

I’ll play.

In the kitchen, I got three kinds of salt. Iodized, sea, and fleur del sel. Well, four if you count the Lawry’s Seasoned Salt. Plenty of knives that could probably be turned into ritual sharp objects given time and a religious representative. Giant econobox of kitchen matches and plenty of candles.

I might have a Bible if I could remember which moving box my mother sneaked it into, god love her.

Two large housecats, if any things that go bump in the night are repelled by cats.

…Um. Does having desktop wallpaper of the Winchester boys count? No? Then I’m doomed too.

I have some silver things and some iron I think so I might be okay vs werewolves and the fair folk.

However any vamp is in for a world of hurt. I have enough crosses to have em in a quivering heap on the floor*. I’ve imagined it before actually. Vamp sneaks into the room. I hear something and turn on the light. The vamp sees multiple crosses on every wall and one on the door! Cue nervous breakdown

I have easy access to a lot of holy water as well.

*I’m very religious and so I get crosses like others get socks. It’s what people get me when they don’t know what else to get. I don’t mind though as most of em are well made and interesting.

The night stick, baseball bat, and side-handle night stick could quite quickly be turned into wooden stakes with any of the five axes, 4 swords, machete, kukri, or impractically large bowie knife, or more slowly with any of the dozens of other knives in the Big Drawer of Sharp Things ™. Inserting them could be facilitated with the nice cosh shaped chunk of oak (too hard to sharpen in a hurry, but a very handy blunt instrument), or the 3 lb or 4 lb hammers I use for forearm exercises, or the 8 lb sledge hammer that I have yet to return to the garage. Holy symbols can be improvised as needed from found objects, though no ready made crosses or holy water are to be found.

If the fae come to call, the above list of sharp things should do nicely, unless “cold iron” means iron rather than steel, in which case there’s a barbell in the corner with cast iron plates. I’ll have to improvise. If I have time to prepare, of course, I’ll put on the maille hauberk and coif I keep handy for just such occasions.

Zombies are susceptible to blunt force trauma or decapitation, so I’m alright there too.

There is a 2kg box of kosher salt in the closet, so ghosts ought to be at least an even proposition.

Werewolves, on the other hand, are going to be difficult. I don’t have any silver right to hand. I’d have to fight my way out of the bedroom for that.

Perhaps while I’m there I’ll call a decorator, and see if earth tones would work better as a motif than instruments of mayhem. I would call a psychiatrist, but the fact I’d just been attacked by a vampire, ghost, faerie, zombie or werewolf would retroactively justify the fact that I was apparently expecting it.

A 5-gallon bucket of Slime-Away® and an ectoplasmic truss.

Let’s see, first of all if the demon is anything from East Asia then my plethora of Japanese temple and shrine charms would work handily.

As for more occidental nasties, I have salt, a bible, crosses, rosaries, and silver china. I’d be fine against vampires but pretty screwed against most everything else.

The Bible (though, infidel that I am, I can’t remember where I left it), the special death magnet to attach to the refrigerator and presumably protect me from food poisoning spirits, and the special death candle to light on Day of the Dead (two days ago) and prevent whatever wandering spirit is plaguing me from coming back until next year.

I also have ringneck parrots, but they themselves seem a bit paranormal.

Salt, garlic salt, cast iron figure with pointy parts, wooden stak…um, sticks, a bible somewhere, silver spoons and candlesticks, pentagrams, mirrors. Also a book telling me which to use on what.

Paranormal forces, eh? :cool:

Well, for regular spirits, all you need to do is say “GET OUT!” and they will go away. It’s the Law of their world, and by that I mean scientific Law – if an uninvited spirit enters your domain, you have absolute authority to keep them at bay.

It’s different if you conjure a Daemon, or invite a spirit into your lair (even accidentally) – especially if it’s, say, a daemon-possessed KGSMom who spends her time praying to Jesus Christ: “Please Lord, deliver KGS from the evil forces which distract him.” In which case, all you can do is keep the Daemon from remote-viewing your Lair, by placing totems & other talismanic items in certain places and fully “cleansing” your lair of all dust, dirt, clutter, and termites. Replacing the sheets and putting new posters on the walls help, too. (And that’s just a rough overview – I’m still waiting to connect with a professional energy healer for more advice.)

Pentagrams work, if used correctly. A pentagram t-shirt worn near the skin can work magick. (Just don’t wear it on the outside – too bold of a statement. Unless you’re at a pagan festival or heavy metal concert.) Triangles are stable patterns. Watch out for vortexes, though.

As for zombies, werewolves, vampires…that’s just fiction. :wink:

A healthy sense of scepticism.

We need pics people! I’m thinking Buffy’s weapons chest in her closet, the contents of the trunk of the car in Supernatural, and I think there’s actually a website of a guy who sells old style vampire hunting kits…

I have a big ‘no soliciting’ sign to keep the Jehovah’s Witnesses away. I’m not expecting a visit from anything weirder than they are.

I’m skeptical, I don’t believe that would actually deter Jehovah’s Witnesses. I know it doesn’t work on Mormon missionaries.

<derail>
I can’t stand those people. I live way out in the woods for a reason and I don’t expect to come home and find godbothering people littering my property with their stupid pamphlets. It takes every bit of self-control that I have not to collect a bunch of junk and dump it on their lawn to see how they like it. They should rename themselves ‘Litterbugs for Jesus’. The last time they showed up I was here and now I’m pretty certain that they will never enter my property again.
</derail>

I have a breach-opening, single-barrel 20-gauge, so I suppose I can repel one fast-moving or two or three slow-moving zombies. Then I’m toast since none of the handguns are likely to do sufficient damage. I have some cast-iron skillets to use against the sidhe, and I have a large bag of salt to repel whatever salt repels. No holy objects or silver, though, so I’m probably vamp and/or werewolf food.

Faires; I could whang them with my heavy cast-iron cookware, or suck them up into my industrial Shop-Vac

Werewolves; I’m weak on werewolf defense, I suppose I could mix up some silver-core reloads for my Kimber .45 ACP, or work up some silver shot shotshells for my Mossberg 500 12-gauge

Ghosts; when I run out of salt, I’ll grab my unlicenced Nuclear accelerator (proton pack) and ghost traps

Vampires; I don’t have a problem with them, sure they’re unusually sensitive to UV radiaton, and have to live on a high-protien liquid diet, but they don’t bother me, as long as they don’t try to drain me dry, I’ve got a basic “live and let un-live” policy with them…

Zombies; I’m more than ready to deal with the inevitable Zack uprising, plenty of stored food and water, an easily defended second-floor location to shelter-in-place, and a decent array of anti-Zack weapons, both meelee and projectile, in the event of attacking Stenches, I simply destroy the external stairs leading into the house, draw the room-darkening window coverings (double layered, one directly against the window, another one directly behind the first one), barricade the doors and windows, and rig for “silent running”

I would recommend, from video games lore, the whip Vampire Killer. Kills anything supernatural beings - werewolves, headless axe-wielding walking robot, bats, zombies, witches, demons and even vampires.

Now I understand why the kid is always screaming.

Does it say anything about us that none of the posters so far can find their freakin’ bibles? Really, that’s a bit pathetic. I can’t find mine, and I’ve kept it near these many years just for it’s value against vampires and demons. Hmph.

On the plus side, I’m a Universal Life Church Minister, so holy water I got.

For Zombies, I would go with my 12 gauge or maybe my AK clone. I have my eye on a Sig 556 though, which I think would be ideal for this purpose.