Serious? Human? EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww.
I usually yell something like " the best defense is a good offense!"
then I kick them inna fork.
Defensive: “IT WASN’T ME!”
Offensive: Putting a ‘Happy Lendervedder’ name tag on it and calling the neighbors over to see.
Pensive: “Hmm…”
Dismissive: “So?”
Lucrative: Charging a cover to look at it.
Exclusive: Making people wait at the bar after they pay their cover.
Idiot: ‘handy you are being defensive.’
handy: ‘In what way am I being defensive?’
Idiot: " Hmm, I never thought of that’
“I’m not being defensive. You’re being defensive. Why is it always the other guy who’s being defensive?”
–Nathan Therm
Whenever I have been told that, invariably the other person was being passive-aggressive which is always difficult to deal with in an argument. That’s why your friend didn’t know how to respond. It’s sort of like being told “No offense, but your pretty ugly.”
Several ways.
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Defensive? How am I being defensive? What do you mean, defensive, like an accused drug user defensive, or defensive defensive- HOW am I defensive?
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The best defense is a good offense, but the best offense is saying "Screw you, you suck, I am NOT defensive!!!
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The best defense is a good offense (and then you don’t say all that crazy stuff).
It don’t know the particulars of your situation, KidCharlemagne, but I am going to have to disagree that the claim that anytime someone claims another person is defensive they are invariably being passive-aggressive. This is certainly true some of the time: however, I have a very good friend who is about to lose a hell of a wife almost entirely because he is so god damn defensive: he sees any discussion as an attack, and is concerned entirely with Not Losing No Matter What The Cost. It’s a stupid, stupid reason for two very nice people to seperate, but it has made it impossible to deal wiht any other problem, and the weight of those unadressable problems is killling the marrige. If people often tell you that you are just being defensive, I think the best response is to listen to them.
Telling someone “stop being defensive” essentially is like saying “I just want to talk at you, I don’t want to engage in a discussion”. At which point I will either end the conversation, or in the event that I am unable to (like my boss is talking to me) I simply “yes/no” then until they grow tired of speaking.
Either that or I play the copy game with them.
Manda,
I didn’t say “anytime someone claims another person,” I said “Whenever I am told.” In the case you cited (and I’m sorry to hear it), it sounds like the person is being overly defensive. The few times that I’ve been told (and it appears to be the same case as the OP’s), it is used rhetorically and is imo passive aggressive. And fwiw, telling someone to stop being defensive is not the best way to get them to open up to see your point. Am I being defensive? 
KidCharlemagne, I think we are more or less on the same page: I am in no way saying that telling someone to stop being so defensive is an effective way to fix the problem–my only point is that while this can be a passive-aggressive argueing technique, in my experience it is not an overwhelmingly common one, and that if an individual is faced with people asking telling them not to be so defensive on a regular basis, it might behoove them to examine their behavoir. It is possible for overly defensive behavoir to cripple communication.
Of course, it makes a lot of difference who accuses me of “being defensive.” (note: I call it an accusation, which might be incorrect, on a case for case basis, but the tone implied in the OP certainly presents it as an accusation.)
A casual acquaintance, during verbal repartee:
“Why are you being so defensive?”
“Because, punching you in the face is illegal.”
A supervisor engaged in unfair criticism of me, or of my coworkers as a group:
“Everyone seems to be very defensive.”
“Generally, when people are defensive, it means they feel threatened. Do you mean to threaten us?”
A close friend, or a loved one.
“You are just being defensive.”
“I am expressing my feelings. Right now, I feel attacked, so I get defensive. Stop attacking me, I’ll stop being defensive.”
On the whole, the entire range of exchanges seems to me to be basically a dishonest way of shifting responsibility away from the accuser. Being defensive is not an evil thing. It is a reaction to a perceived threat. This isn’t passive aggression; it’s plain old ordinary aggression. It assumes guilt to an unstated prior accusation, and denies any possible refutation, before the fact. Even disagreeing is presumed to be a shortcoming.
It’s fairly odious from acquaintances, really nasty from a close friend, and a deep wound, from an intimate loved one. If the further conversation includes even the slightest implication that defensiveness is a ploy, it becomes emotional abuse. Defenses that have occurred often enough to be that familiar must cover very deep wounds, from the accuser. Hurting someone repeatedly, even with words is abuse.
So, my answer to the question in that case is, “I don’t know. I certainly deserve to have a less defensive relationship. Good bye.”
I suppose I am a bit defensive about that scenario. But I find it fairly familiar.
Tris
I generally look the accuser dead in the eye (moving to within 6 inches of his/her face, if possible) and ask “and precisely what makes you say that?”
cry
Say “You’re absolutely correct!!” stick your tongue out & run away laughing.