On a camping trip this past weekend, my friend and his girlfriend got into a fight over some hamburgers or something, and it ended with her saying to him ‘Quit being defensive.’ He most definitely was not being defensive IMO, but at that point he really couldn’t say anything else, so he just (wisely) walked-- or rather stormed-- away.
Personally, I think pulling out the ‘you’re defensive’ arguement is similar to pulling out the comparison to the Nazis in an online discussion, per Godwin’s Law. It’s a cheap and dirty tactic. And my theory is that for every argument any two people have, over a period of time, the probability of one of them calling the other one ‘defensive’ at some point approches One.
Mind you, it’s only a theory. Feel free to disagree.
Anyway, back to my point, how does a person respond to being called defensive without sounding defensive?
yeah, i agree that it’s a slimy argruing tactic. if the other person really is being defensive, it isn’t going to help any to point this out to them. and anyway, like you said, the person who says this is usually the more defensive of the two.
if someone called me that, i would say back, “how could i possibly respond to that without coming off as defensive?!” and then give them a look like, cha! (i dunno if that would make me look un-defensive, but it’s what i would do…)
Well, there’s being defensive and there is being defensive, as in being defensive when it isnt warranted.
Such as (and this actually happened):
Me: Somebody pooped near my pool.
A friend who knows who she is, but wont see this: IT WASNT ME.
As opposed to (this didnt happen)
Me(looking at the person who I suspect):SOMEBODY pooped near my pool.
Them: IT WASNT ME.
The first example was unwarranted defensiveness, the second was warranted. But yeah either way, accusing someone of being defensive is like saying “HA! now I have trapped you and you now have no fair chance of responding without being defending yourself again.”
Defensive, per Webster’s, seems to relate most closely to “2b : of or relating to the attempt to keep an opponent from scoring in a game or contest.”
The woman’s accusation, in this case is a common turn of phrase, so it’s more like she’s being insensitive to the impact of her words, than it is she’s resorting to an intentionally to an unfair debating ploy.
If she were a touch more sensitive (or articulate), she might observe: 1) That she respected the other person’s perspective, 2) That she had a different perspective, and 3) That, from what he was saying, he was either unwilling or unable to defend his position, and therefore, being polite, she would drop it.
de·fen·sive (d-fnsv)
adj.
Intended or appropriate for defending; protective.
Intended to withstand or deter aggression or attack: a defensive weapons system; defensive behavior.
2
Of or relating to the effort to prevent an opponent from gaining points in a game or athletic contest.
Performed so as to avoid risk, danger, or legal liability: defensive driving; defensive medicine,
Of or relating to defense.
Psychology. Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.
That wasn’t supposed to post before I properly re-formatted it, so here goes again:
de·fen·sive (d-fnsv) adj. 1. Intended or appropriate for defending; protective.
2. a. Intended to withstand or deter aggression or attack: a defensive weapons system; defensive behavior. 2. b. Of or relating to the effort to prevent an opponent from gaining points in a game or athletic contest. 2. c. Performed so as to avoid risk, danger, or legal liability: defensive driving; defensive medicine, 3. Of or relating to defense. 4. Psychology. Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one’s shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.
partly_warmer, I’d have to say that in the case of my friend and his GF, since they weren’t playing basketball, the definition most relevant to their situation would be definition 4.
Happy, who still hasn’t quite mastered the complexities of a mouse
My older brother did that to me for years. Out of the blue:
OB: You have a tendency to get too defensive.
Me: No I don’t.
OB: See, there you go being all defensive again.
Interesting. What dictionary is that? It does seem to fit the interchange, in that the person being “defensive” is being accused of a psychological “problem”. It’s an unfair debating tactic in a similar way that calling someone “crazy” would be.
Is the psychological term itself valid? Constantly feeling that one is being attacked when one is not, is a bad thing: that seems straightforward and reasonable. Feeling upset that one is constantly attacked or criticized does not seem unreasonable–this also falls under the definition cited. What you, the OP, reported is one step further from this second, shaky psychological meaning: the woman is, effectively, making a home-grown diagnosis about the psychological state of the man. Instead of realizing that’s she’s either intimidated (or more likely bored) the man.
Person 1: You’re being defensive.
Person 2 (Approach 1): I’m just not enjoying talking about it much.
Person 2 (Approach 2): I’m not being defensive, you … are … boring … me with your arguments.
Person 2 (Approach 3, in kind): And you’re never defensive? Let’s talk about that guy you were chatting up in the mall last week…
me: don’t tell me what to do – that’s the whole problem here.
-OR-
me: stop accusing me, and there would be no need for defense
-OR-
me: who made you my mother? (nota bene: this doesn’t work if R is your mother]
-OR-
me: do you want me to respond to what you are saying, or roll over and agree with your assertions…
-OR-
me: hmmm…why are you so mad?
I have a friend who does something similar; from time to time she’ll refer to me as “hot tempered”, “prone to explosion”, or the like. I’ve known her for 22 years, and have raised my voice in her presence exactly twice. Both times were well justified, and come on, once every 11 years ain’t too bad. But the way she phrases it, gah! It reminds me of the old “have you stopped beating your wife yet” question. Like the “defensive” accusation, there’s no way out without looking guilty.
Here’s what I did. Maybe it will work for your friend. I use complete non-sequitors, and just act like that part of the conversation didn’t happen. It’s pretty fun.
Her: blah blah you have such a fiery temper…
Me: Does pizza sound OK for lunch?
Her: Uh…sure. But like I was saying, you fly off the handle when…
Me: There’s a great place up here on the corner. Unless you’d rather have sushi. There’s a good sushi place on the next block.
Her: You know, I just meant that your temper…
Me: (concerned and earnest) Are you all right? You seem a little disoriented. Let’s stop and get you some water.
Her: Uh…OK. (internal voice: crap. needling her didn’t work)
Then I go home and kick the cat. Well, I don’t have a cat, so I just glare at a houseplant or something. You get the idea.
THe only reply I can think of is “What makes you say that?” It has to be said sincerely, and you have to make sure it is clear that you are really intreested in knowing why the other person thinks you are being overly defensive. And they may have a point, so go ahead and listen. If all they were doing was a underhanded rhetorical trick, than they won’t have a good answer. (Unfortunantly, they will also not have a good answer if they are just one of those people that are naturally inarticulate, so don’t think that no good answer gets you off the hook–if LOTS of people accuse you of being defensive, you need to reevaluate).
