c) Perhaps you’ve been staying up late too often, too much going on? Are you getting enough rest?
d) You seem like you’re stressed or overloaded. Are you getting done what you need to get done?
e) Maybe try getting in the gym? Might help you manage the stress better.
f) You seem defensive. What’s bothering you? Is everything okay?
I realize that a lot depends on mood, tone of voice, relationship dynamics of the two parties having the conversation, etc. But if the above is expressed from a genuine place of concern, what would lead the person on the receiving end of the inquiries to behave in a defensive or reactive manner, IYHO?
I think the first four are fine - it shows concern without appearing nosy.
I fear the last two would be a step too far unless the conversation invited advice. Otherwise it could too easily be seen as unwarranted interference and do more harm than good.
I tend to get irritated with questions like that if I feel I am behaving normaly. My mother always felt like it was a way of showing concern for someone to tell them how bad they looked.
The first one’s fine. The next five are just veiled suggestions that the person’s a fuck-up in one way or another. The last one is what you say after you thought you were doing the first one, but you did the other ones.
Ah yes, the “You look terrible! Are you okay?” comment. Yeah… definitely not helpful.
As for the gym thing… also agree that in some cases it can be a wrong step in the wrong direction. Let’s just say that in this case there are no issues with the word “gym” and everything that word can be loaded to imply.
“Yes, but there are not enough hours in the day. I’m exhausted.”
“Yes, but I’m over committed and need to find a better way of handling this.”
“Yes, but I’m just tired, frustrated and looking forward to the break.”
-or-
“No. I think I need a better strategy.”
There is no shame in reflecting on what’s not working and considering a better way to handle them. Jumping to the “fuck up” conclusion and being defensive implies something else, no?
Yep, If I heard this, I would assume that I don’t look well that day (whether or not I was actually sick OR forgot to put makeup on is another thing…).
The questions imply that the person being asked hasn’t been reflecting on that already, which means the person asking thinks that it isn’t being handled correctly (or they wouldn’t be asking). Hence, fuck-up.
And even if it’s all in the family, some people don’t like answering personal questions like that regardless. Need-to-know basis and all that. If they were feeling overwhelmed and thought you should know, they’d have told you already.
I mean, if the person looks like they haven’t showered or eaten in a week, be a little more straightforward than asking if they’re “eating well” and “getting done what [they] need to get done”. If they don’t look like that, I think we can assume they are doing fine in those areas.
For an example reaction, to a question like C, my response would be “uhhh…yeah, I’m an adult. I think I can set my own schedule. I’m not a child.”
For some reason, I’d prefer “What’s up?” or “You okay?” as opposed to “You look upset.”
All the other options are inappropriate except between very close friends and family. Uness I’ve got tears pouring down my cheeks and I’m actively bawling, I don’t want my emotional state to be the subject of a workplace conversation.
I’ve got a coworker who often remarks about how tired I look even though I feel perfectly fine and (IMHO) there’s nothing unusual about my appearance and I have said nothing to indicate that I’m tired. Plus, who the hell wants to look tired? What’s worse is that this lady always looks like a worn down hound dog herself. Talk about projecting.
This person called me. Issued a stream of complaints detailing being tired, and annoyed and irritated and that nothing was going right and this week was going to be hell, etc… etc… etc…
In other words, this was an unsolicited and unelicited conversation.
I try really hard not to get shitty when my demeanor elicits those kinds of questions. People who are close to me know not to ask because it’s not “me” they’ll be addressing, but that other defensive, self-protecting, isolationist who needs to be left alone while he’s screwing his head back on straight. So yeah, if it’s your first rodeo with me, you might get sent on your way with unpredictable levels of civility for stepping into a fight that’s not yours.
Don’t know if it applies to the OP, but it takes a lot of focus to remain calm on the outside when I’m going through my process of squashing an episode. Interruptions showing concern are recognized for what they are, but in addition to breaking my concentration, they feed the negative mood I’m trying to put down. Anything more than “Let me know if you need anything” is really, really unhelpful.
ETA: in light of the previous, gonna fall back on “No Clue.” I tend not to approach others when I’m like that. I just go to my cave and heaven help you if you come in after me.
Then you were there to be their shoulder to cry on and vent a little, that’s all. In that situation you metaphorically pat them on the head over the phone and go, “there, there, that sounds rough. Next week will be better. Let me know if you need something.” If they wail, “but what should I do?!?!” then you can wade in with a little advice.
Very few people appreciate unsolicited advice and almost all of those questions were basically in the vein of “Well obviously you feel bad because you’re doing it wrong.” when they’re unsolicited.
From the OP, I thought the first question was OK, and the others get steadily more patronising (or maybe just the accumulation of them). With the clarification from post #14, I think this person just wanted to vent, and maybe get some sympathy, and they got problem solved instead.
On further reflect, I think that’s exactly what happened. I simply missed the clues as I was at work and in problem solving mode and this call was just another problem that needed solving in the course of the day.
IMHO the vast majority of the people that say “don’t take this the wrong way” use the phrase for carte blanche to be assholes. Not everyone mind you, but in my experience it’s just polite short form for “I’m going to justify being a jerk by using this preface.” Of course, YMMV but that’s my experience.
If it’s a one time thing, I’d probably say something like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Let me know if I can help with anything.”
If it’s an on-going habit of theirs to kvetch about fatigue, then I might suggest something to help them get a better night’s sleep, if that’s their problem. Like Valarian root (I used to have a bottle in my drawer). But that would be the limit of what I would do. People who have an on-going habit of complaints generally don’t want advice. They just want to be listened to and commiserated with.