He’s about 5’-10" @ 350lbs or so and in his mid to late 30’s. Lately he’s looking … well… it’s hard to describe, but kind of “ashen” which I assume is related to some blood flow impairment or incipient cardiac issue as other (mainly older) people I’ve known with serious cardiac issues had the same look. He was a steakhouse manager before coming into real estate, and he’s heavy because he lives to eat, it’s not a metabolic issue. He’s quite intelligent & is a nice fellow, and a successful real estate agent.
As an ex-fatty myself I know that the prospect of people coming up to you and saying “You’re unhealthily fat” is hardly welcomed, and beyond that would hardly be a newsflash.
I really, seriously think he’s going to die before too long if he doesn’t get help, but that’s just a non-medical opinion. He’s more of an acquaintance than a friend so approaching him on this issue would possibly be a bit clumsy and nattering. Is this one of those MYOB scenarios or not?
Very much so, in my opinon. He knows he’s fat, he knows whether or not he’s feeling unwell, and he knows what to do about it. You have no information to impart, and he didn’t ask your opinon. Would you welcome a similar solicitation?
Depending on how close an acquaintance he is, you may be able to say something like, “Geez, you look really pale lately; are you feeling alright?” You might be able to get away with something implying “You look unhealthy;” you certainly should not say anything like “you look unhealthily fat.” As you yourself noted, he knows how much he weighs. I think you could express general concern about his health but you can’t do much more than that. IMO.
Open a HotMail account. In the most genteel and caring ways, express your concerns- and let him know you are an ex-heavy person and truly HAVE lived in his skin. Tell him you are using an anonymous method out of respect, and the need to have the workplace remain a balanced situation.
Hmmmm. One the one hand, I like this idea. On Preview on the other hand, it feels vaguely inappropriate. Look, you are clearly coming from a place of respect and concern, and that counts for a lot. There must be a way- email or otherwise- to let him know that his outward appearance has shifted.
Maybe the only thing more inappropriate than approaching your co-worker about how fat and unhealthy he looks, is to send anonymous e-mail to him saying the same thing. Cowardly and irresponsible, and for the recipient, disturbing. Imagine yourself in that position.
Got any pics. of yourself “before”? You might be able to open a dialog by showing him that you can truly empathize, but then you have to ask yourself how much you want to help the guy. Do you just want to point out something he’s obviously well aware of, or are you prepared to get involved, maybe exercising w/ him, help him w/ meals and calorie counting, etc.?
Another thing I would probably do which is very indirect is tell an interesting story in front of the guy about a friend who was a little heavy, who had odd symptoms of x, y, and z, who didn’t realize he was in deep trouble medically, and when he made it into the ER, the doctors told him, thank God you came in when you did; we can save you because of it. I’d probably pick ashen face, irregular heartbeat at times, and vague nausea-like substernal discomfort. I’d hope he would turn to me and say, “Hey! I sometimes feel my heart flutter in this funny way that makes me feel all worried!” And then I could say, “Wow, do you think you have sick sinus syndrome / mitral valve prolapse / unsuspected coronary obstruction like my other friend?”
The only acceptable way to say it, IMHO, is “Hey, you look really pale. Are you feeling okay?” Maybe he doesn’t notice he’s gotten that ashen look, but as a lot of people have said, he knows how much he weighs and how he feels. Tell him what he might not know, if you tell him anything.
With all due respect to CARTOONIVERSE, I don’t see anything respectful about an anonymous e-mail. The poor guy will wonder which of his coworkers is the sender and worry that everyone is looking at him and how much he weighs. I think anonymous notes are kind of cowardly anyway.
You shouldn’t be focusing on his fat. You should focus on his ashen look or whatever symptom you’re seeing. There’s no reason to bring up his weight. It may be the cause of his problem or not. A pale or ashen face is of concern if you’re 100 lbs or 900 lbs. Suggesting you work out together would also be received poorly, imo. Unless you are close enough to this guy that you would ask him to work out together if he were 100 lbs, walk away from trying to be a good samaritan. Be respectful and address the issue, not what you think the issue is.
WTF kinda dogoodnik doobage do you have to smoke to even consider doing something like this? You barely know the guy. How he lives is life, and his medical condition(s) if any, clearly fall into the “none of your business” category. Why would you even think you had any right to bother this guy with your ideas of healthy living?
If I were in your shoes, I’d relentlessly urge him to see a doctor. I’d offer to take him. I’d offer to be in the examination room with him. I’d plan an intervention. I’d offer to do anything it takes to get him checked out. I’d tell him this:
“In about 20 percent of patients we studied, sudden cardiac death is the first sign of heart disease. In 30 percent, the first sign of heart disease is a major heart attack.”
If you don’t try your best to get him into a doctor’s office, and he drops dead next week, you may have to carry the guilt around with you for the rest of your life.
I know this from experience. I don’t wish this burden on you.
A 30 something YO co-worker might well be suffering from a serious cardiovascular disease and not be aware of how serious the problem is. Wouldn’t you think about saying something in as constructive a way as possible instead of simply remaining silent?
I agree with Jodi and Zsofia’s suggestion: ask him if he’s feeling ok, say that you find that he’s looking pale lately. Don’t insist.
The anonymous letter suggestion is not a good one, I can’t even bear to think of the kind of hurt that would cause. He’d be suspicious of everyone, and deeply humiliated.
If he brings up his weight problem himself, once you’ve expressed concern for his health, then it might be ok to share that you used to be overweight too, and that you know where he’s coming from. Maybe you can really get to help this man, but the impetus has to come from him.
If you REALLY feel (as you say in the OP) that he is not looking well at all, then minding your own business is not a good option.
Is there anyone at work who’s closer to him than you are? Perhaps a word to that person might be useful too. Just be careful to approach the friend in the same tactful way, expressing concern for your coworker’s health (paleness etc).
If he dies suddenly, you can’t ask him if he really wanted to die. So you’ll assume that he wanted to live. So then you’ll ask yourself, “What could I have done to help him stay alive?”
And unless you’re an unusually callous person, that question will haunt you long after he’s dead.
No just no, but hell no. It’s not your problem. Other people get to make choices about how to live their lives. Doesn’t matter if you like those choices or not. Maybe he likes triple-cheeseburgers better than tofu. Maybe he’s not interested in living forever. Maybe he knows he has a problem and is trying to cope with it. You are not your neighbor’s keeper. Mind your own business.
I smoke. Odds are good I’ll die younger than I otherwise might. I understand this. It’s a choice I’ve made. When some dogoodnik wants to tell me about the dangers of smoking, I would very much like to punch them in the face. I usually don’t, but I still very much resent Mr. Buttinski.
Keeping other people safe from themselves ain’t my damn job. If I barely know the guy, his health is none of my business. I’d respect his privacy, and expect him to respect mine. If he wants help, he’ll ask for it.
No, but there’s nothing wrong with trying to help someone who looks like he might be on the fast track to death. If someone’s headed toward an early grave (as this person appears to be), then a tactful word of caution might be in order.
Caring about the welfare of others is a hallmark of civilized adults. Saying “I don’t care if he lives or dies” … isn’t.
By that logic, I’d never make it to work. I’d be too busy telling every wino and crackhead on the streets to start jogging and eating a balanced diet.
The list of people that can and/or should intervene if they feel it necessary would include the guys family, close personal friends, doctor, and perhaps church members. It does not include random dogoodniks that have some perverse urge to stick their nose in the private business of a relative stranger.