Response to "We're all worried about you" at work.

In My Humble Opinion
1

As referenced in this thread, I’m going through some mental health issues. Nothing major, but it’s requiring regular appointments and experimentation with meds. I’m not enjoying any of it (although it’s nice to get out of the office a couple of hours every week), but it’s necessary so I’m sticking through it.

I work very hard to hide my depression at work. As much as I want to withdraw from everyone, I force myself to do the regular chit-chat stuff during lunch and in the breakroom. If I don’t feel like talking, I just sit there and try to listen. When people bust into my cube to talk, I pull away from my computer and give them an ear. I try to laugh and smile even when I don’t want to, even when doing so hurts. Not only do I not want anyone asking me any questions about my health, but I feel like if I put on a happy face, maybe I’ll trick myself and start feeling better.

But lately I’m starting to feel unsuccessful at this charade. People keep coming up to me telling me they’re worried. Why are they worried? Because there’s a meme going around that I’m not eating. The other day I had cheese and peanut butter crackers (wheat thins, specifically) and a banana. The rest of the week I had homemade pita pizzas and bananas. Yes, compared to the veritable feasts of everyone else, my lunches have been small and simple but they’ve filled me up. I can’t help it if my appetite has been screwy and medical expenses have forced me tighten up the lunch budget. I swear I’m doing the best I can with what I can tolerate and afford.

My weight loss (which hasn’t been drastic, just five pounds or so over the past couple of weeks) was noted among the breakroom crowd yesterday. I was asked if my boss should be paying me more since it’s “obvious” that I’m too poor to buy real food. Someone said I looked frail and joked that he was going to tell the boss (I laughed at this), and another said she was worried because I was going to the doctor a lot (I’m required to post my doctor’s appts on the publically viewable calendar*). “What’s wrong?” she asked as everyone stood there, waiting for all the details.

“Nothing,” I said, wishing I could melt into the floor. “Everything’s fine.” Then I slinked back to my cubicle and stared at the millions of numbers on my computer screen until they turned into a black blur.

I admit if I was suffering from cancer, I probably would be more forthcoming. I could blame my appetite problems on the chemo, and I wouldn’t be that uncomfortable telling people about my symptoms. But how do you tell a bunch of people–folks you barely know and don’t really trust (even though they’re all very nice)–that your every waking moment is filled with bad thoughts, that if they keep asking you questions, you are seriously going to lose your mind? You can’t tell people that. And I can’t help but feel that they are more curious than worried. Why should I entertain them with the private details of my health?

Any advice in handling these well-intentioned busybodies without alienating myself from them? All I know to do is just step up my game some more and hope I get better soon. Also, feel free to tell me to stop being so sensitive and lighten up. I need that kind of perspective too.

*I’m wondering if it’s the appointments, rather than my behavior, that’s actually stoking the curiosity. If someone’s got 2 hours of sick leave scheduled every week, why wouldn’t you assume that person is a sick puppy who’s deserving of pity and worry?

2

Well, first…do you have to be honest about where you’re going? I don’t blame you for not being forthcoming about mental health issues, and I’d be inclined to say something like “I’m taking my mother to the doctor” or something like that. In fact, I’d bet that if people didn’t know it was YOU going to the doctor, they probably wouldn’t have noticed your weight change or eating habits…they’re putting two and two together.

But back to your original question…how to respond. Maybe something like, “Really…I’m quite alright, thank you. I’m here every day, right? So…what did you think of so-and-so’s comments in this morning’s meeting?” …just quickly change the subject.

I know it’s hard to keep a happy face when you’re really not feeling well…but that doesn’t obligate you to say anything you don’t want to share. Thank them for their concern and reassure them that you are not at death’s doorstep and move on to the next subject.

Best of luck with your treatment.

3

In my experience, which I suspect may differ greatly from others’, officemates generally respond well to requests to respect your privacy. A simple “I’ve got some stuff going on, I don’t want to talk about it, and it’s not nearly as interesting or serious as you’re likely imagining” can go a really long way. I think most of the time, people just want confirmation that their suspicions that something is up are correct. If they can’t know the details, the majority of folks will accept that.

4

I usually put “monstro dr’s appt. (2 hours sick leave)” on the calendar. Unfortunately, there aren’t any relatives around who could serve as an excuse for me.

In a couple of weeks, I’ll be able to change my work schedule so that I won’t have to take off any time, and therefore there won’t be a need to leave a record on the calendar. I’ll be happy about this.

5

Yeah, lighten up. You’re probably thinking it’s nobody’s damn business, and you’re right. But they’re human beings, and human beings are curious. The more you try to hide, when the evidence is all around, the more curious they will become. Come on, they see you going to the doctor over and over again, they ask what’s wrong and you say ‘nothing’. That’s an obvious lie. You can get mad and tell them it’s none of their damn business, but that might piss them off. Personally, I’d tell them I was having some minor medical problem that I considered rather personal and embarassing, but that I was obviously seeing a doctor about it. I’d say the doctor’s monitoring my physical health (regarding the weight/eating business) and I’d say that except for my embarassing problem (which we hope to solve Real Soon Now), my doctor says I’m fine. Thanks for your concern; it’s nice to know people care.

But, that’s just me.

6

Just say “It’s kinda personal, but I appreciate your concern.” The word “personal” usually triggers the “None of my damn business” part of the brain of the well-intentioned.

7

Well, that’s a nice break.

Next time someone notices your weight loss, tell them that actually you’ve gained 2 lbs in the last month and you’re much better.

Or you could make up something really interesting…tell them you picked up a contagious parasite. That’ll keep 'em at arm’s length! :wink:

8

If it was me, I’d say something like: “Yes, I do have a medical problem but I would really prefer to keep it private. It’s not life-or-death serious, but it is chronic and affects my qualify of life. My medication sometimes affects my appetite. Thank you for your sympathy, I know you all mean well, but your questions only remind me that I am having a problem, which can make it harder to deal with the situation while my doctors and I try to find the best solution to my problem. I am trying very hard to not let this affect the rest of my life, including work and those around me, so please help me out by discussing this less.”

Feel free to modify as you see fit.

9

Nice one, but can I suggest a slight tweak?

… which can make it harder to deal with the situation while my doctors and I deal with the problem.

10

I like all the responses, even yours, 3acresandatruck. :wink: I know this is a minor thing, but it’s been weighing on my mind a lot. So I appreciate everyone’s advice.

11

Also, do try to remember that while it’s irritating to have people all up in your personal business, they wouldn’t be saying anything if they didn’t care about you.

12

I don’t think it’s minor at all. Anyone who jokes to you that you are obviously too poor to buy food needs to be smacked. Your weight is none of their business. Your eating habits are none of their business. Your salary is none of their business. To joke that you are “too poor” for ANYTHING is in hideously bad taste. To ask you “what’s wrong?” that requires multiple doctors’ appointments in front of a group of people, and then stand there expectantly waiting for you to answer? Rude, rude, rude! Not just a little rude, amazingly rude.

So I do not think this is a minor thing, or your problem, or your oversensitivity, such that YOU need to lighten up. They may be well-meaning, but your coworkers are being rude. They are also making it harder for you to accomplish what you’re trying to, which is to be more social and less isolated at work. How often will you want to go into the break room if you think every time you do you’ll be asked nosy questions and made to feel uncomfortable? With such coworkers, I’d be hiding in my cube too, and I’m not even depressed.

I think you’ve gotten great advice, but I just wanted to let you know that IMO you should not consider your discomforted reaction to be unjustified, oversensitive, or only a product of your current mental state. In this case, it is your coworkers who have the problem. Not you.

13

This sounds totally bizarre even for me, but if you’d be more comfortable telling them you have cancer, then tell them you have cancer. Fuck anyone who feels the need to delve into your personal health, but if they must and you feel you must respond at least get some nice cards out of it or something.

14

monstro, my sympathies. In your shoes I’d be finding this incredibly annoying, and infuriating. And, unfortunately, my temper is such that I’m not sure I’d be able to handle things even as well as you have. (Somehow, I don’t think screams of "Leave me the fuck alone! would help much. And I doubt anyone would get it if I broke out in song, with “Mr. Adams, leave me alone!”) (Key part of the video begin at about 3:00)

Add to that my belief, based, in part, on my experiences, that it’s better to have leprosy than to be known as being treated for mental illness, and I’d be very, very leery of saying anything to those people. Of course I’m chronically depressed, myself, and while not clinically paranoid, I am suspicious of the good intentions of most people.

I can imagine two tactics I might try: a simple, I’d rather not talk about, but thank you for your concern would be my first choice; failing that I’d be tempted to go for the flamboyant route. Tell them you’re being treated for an attack of some made up disease. Rhinoceritis would come to my mind. Explain that you’ve had to start buying nail files in industrial quantities, because you are embarassed to be growing a horn, and so you keep filing it down, but this has been a bit of a hit on your budget. When they ask for further details, say, judiciously, that the tail really doesn’t bother you. But the desire to find a bird to sit on your head is distracting when you’re trying to get work done at your computer. And none of the ones you’ve tried at the pet stores do a decent job of cleaning your teeth or ears.

You see how this could go - keep it consistent, completely unbelievable, and mildly funny. Take the adventures of Baron von Munchausen* as your inspiration. If they’re looking for entertainment, you’ve satisfied that, and you’ve regained some control over the situation. All without compromising your privacy.

Lest you think that I’m expecting you to become a raccounteur, I figure a few sentences should be enough, each day. “Yeah, I’m tired. The horn was pretty tough to file down this morning. And my arms are sore.” And that’s enough for one lunch. The next day, “I’m down because no one locally carries those tooth cleaning birds, and if I’m going to be turning into a rhinoceros I want to be a clean one.” If they ask what today’s appointment is, tell them that your toes are starting to fuse together, so the doctor wants to try separating them.
ETA: Claricun, I really don’t think that claiming having a real disease, especially one as threatening in the public mind as cancer, is a good idea. These people believe they’re being good friends and co-workers, so they’d be obligated in their own eyes to do something. And when it comes out that monstro didn’t have cancer she’ll be seen as having taken advantage of them. Which would be really, really bad.
*Yes, I want to reform the Baron’s good name. Right now, most people only associate him with factitious disorders, and especially factitious disorder by proxy. Which is completely unfair, since his stories never seemed to have been intended to be believed, just enjoyed.

15

Bugger. Missed the edit window. I’m sorry I butchered your name, Cluricaun. Mea culpa.

16

On the food thing - just say you are saving for something (vacation? new car? retirement?) and “have you guys noticed how expensive everything has gotten - filling up my gas tank, going to the grocery store…?” With any luck, bringing up the cost of gas and food should immediately change the subject to inflation (or politics or how to get more mileage out of your car - in short, anything other than them noticing what you are eating.).

17

I think the more you say “nothing” to their questioning the more mystique there will be and the more they will keep at it. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that a lot of people (in the workplace, even) are unable to take hints. You’d think that this would be one of those situations that people would naturally know not to pry, but alas, that is a bad assumption.

So you need to change what you say. By failing to tell them how inappropriate their persistence is, you are enabling it. They clearly are too retarded to figure out that “nothing” means “nunya business”, and that’s not your fault. But if you want the behavior to stop, you have to help them get a clue.

“Look, I appreciate that you are concerned about me, truly, but I’m a private person and don’t like having to explain why I eat what I eat or why I go where I go to people at work. You’ve asked me about health several times now, and you always get the same answers, right? Obviously that’s because I’m either telling you the truth or I don’t want to talk about it. Stop please stop asking me what’s wrong already.”

I know it will be hard to actually say this, but I think it’s what’s necessary. It may make for an awkward moment or two, but you’ll probably feel better to speak your mind than bottling up that embarrasment and resentment.