I’d say mention the ashen-ness, and leave it at that. I mean, I’ve never seen anyone look ashen before, so I don’t know exactly what it looks like. I bet if I were ashen, I’d just think I’d been avoiding the sun too long. I’d hope that anyone that was my friend would point it out.
Now, if you pointed out that I was overweight. . .well, I’d just roll my eyes and say, “well, obviously.” And then I would write off just about everything else that you said. 'Cause, I mean, that I know about. But I think that commenting on other aspects of a person’s appearance in an honestly concerned way is certainly acceptable, especially if you interact with and think well of the person.
I agree with this as far as it applies to giving someone unsolicited general health advice. Fat people know they’re fat, they know it’s not healthy, and they know they should do something about it (just as smokers do).
However, if I see an acquaintance (or even a stranger on the street) who’s looking ashen, sweaty, and breathless, I’d be inclined to intervene at least to the extent of asking him if he feels okay. If the answer is no and he looks likely to need immediatemedical attention, I’ll also call 911, and if he collapses without a pulse, I’ll start CPR. I don’t think that’s being a busybody.
The condition of astro’s coworker is somewhere in the middle. If I worked with someone who started looking gray around the gills, I think I’d be brazen enough to make a gentle inquiry about his state of well-being. I wouldn’t mention his weight or invite him to the gym, but I don’t think it would be impolite to say something like, “Gee, Frank, you’re looking a little pale lately. Are you feeling okay?” It’s up to him to get to a doctor after that.
As a “former fatty” :rolleyes: myself, please - leave him alone. I know it’s a newsflash, but fat people are aware they’re fat & that they have whatever health problems they have.
Sorry if you mean well, but things like this get me riled. I’ve lost a lot of weight via gastric bypass surgery, but I would NEVER in a BILLION years approach a fat person and say “Hey - this worked for me - it might work for you”. It’s not my business - it’s their personal decision.
And by your logic, if we see someone drowning because he deliberately ignored the tidal conditions, then we had better not do anything. After all, the decision to swim in dangerous waters was his own choice.
Nobody’s saying that you need to deliberately seek out every single wino and crackhead out there in the streets. (How many of them do you encounter on a daily basis anyway?) However, if you work with someone, have regular contact with that person, and are in a reasonable position to offer a tactful word of advice… well, that’s another matter altogether.
As a fat person at serious risk for cardiac and respiratory troubles, I’m advising you to leave him alone. As others have remarked here, he knows about his troubles. As bad as he looks, he most likely feels even worse. Your rubbing it in will only lead to hurt feelings and bad blood.
You can’t save everyone, astro, and weight problems are very much like drugs in the sense that solving them takes a lot of effort and a lot of determination that can only come from within. People on the outside who try to get us to lose weight think they’re helping, but really, all they’re doing is pissing us off. I realize you mean well, but seriously. Just leave him alone. If he wants to help himself, he will. If he doesn’t want to help himself, he’ll die, and there’s really nothing you can do about it either way.
One of my coworkers came up to me a couple of years ago and said “are you OK? You look ashen.” I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror sure enough I was distinctly green around the gills. I went home and went to bed, and discovered later I had mild 'flu. I was very grateful as it saved me at least half a day of misery as I came down with the illness, and probably allowed me to recover quicker.
As it happens, I’m not obese. I wonder if the reaction to the action suggested in the OP would be as negative if astro hadn’t mentioned the guy’s weight?
Well, if he hadn’t mentioned the guy’s weight, then it would be OK. Simply looking sick doesn’t carry the social stigma of obesity. Telling someone he’s not looking well is one thing, but criticizing him (or–God help you–her) about a weight problem is quite another. It smacks of an intervention, and not even a good intervention. Something tells me that if one absolutely has to do an intervention for whatever reason, you should put plenty of thought, planning and effort into it. A half-assed intervention isn’t going to solve anything.
Chalk one more up in the “none of your damn business” column. Whatever’s going on with him, it’s absolutely certain that he is far more aware of it than you are. I might, might, consider saying something if you were extremely close friends, but an acquaintance? Hell no! None of your damn business.
I am in the camp of ‘tell him’, having been obese myself (at BMI 39 - by the data you mention you coworker is ca. BMI 50). IMO the assumption that obese people are fully aware of their problem is false, because growing fat over a period of at least some years is such an insidious process. You buy a larger size when your clothing wears out, you take a taxi instead of walking for a quarter of an hour like you used to, you drive where you used to walk or bike, on a summer Sunday afternoon you have a comfortable sit down with the paper instead of going to the public pool, you notice you are always breathing though your mouth but that’s probably because your nasal passages are a bit narrower than other peoples’ - you grow fatter and fatter, and don’t really notice it.
I got the necessary kick in my pants by a health scare, and changed my life. I really wish people had been less tactful all those years.
Mentioning the health aspect would definitely be better that mentioning the fat aspect, though. Perhaps something on the lines of “I am concerned about your looking so ashen-faced these last days - I kew people who looked that way and turned out to have cardiovascular problems. Have you seen a doctor lately?”
How do you know he’s not already under a doctor’s care? How do you know he hasn’t already made the decision to be fat and doesn’t care about his health? As others have said, he’s fat; not blind.
Butt out. There’s no shame in minding your own business in this case.
No. See, that’s a different situation. The drowning person is most likely yelling for help, which would be an invitation to intervene. Or, in the alternative, even if he is not yelling, the danger is immediate.
I’m not quite as callous as some have tried to paint me here. IF the guy is actually having a heart attack (or otherwise appears to be in immediate danger–he’s down, gasping for air, having convulsions, whatever), sure, first aid is the right thing to do if you know how. Calling 911 is something anybody can do.
This thread reminds me of this blog entry, from a guy who knew he was morbidly obese, but didn’t know he was also suffering from congestive heart failure. It’s one thing to know, “I’m fat, and that could lead to health problems later in my life.” It’s an entirely different thing to recognize that those health problems are occuring right now, and may very well be killing you if you don’t do something. I think you should definitly step forward, astro, although as other have said, mentioning the guy’s weight will be counterproductive. But mentioning that he looks (and not just feels) really unwell might be enough to get him to a doctor, which might be enough to save his life.
My BIL is about 5’9" and about 350 lbs. He has congestive heart issues, BP issues, etc. He knows it, and continues to smoke, drink, eat and not exercise. We know he’s probably going to be dead in 10 years. HE knows he’s probably going to be dead in 10 years. That’s the choice he’s made.
Clicked too soon. What I meant too say is that this might have an effect. I’m not obese, but I’m going to go see a doctor on monday, partly because many unrelated aquintances, as well as family members, keep telling me how pale and bad-tempered I’ve gone. Might have the same effect on him.
How many of you who are so shocked that anyone would dream of trying to help this guy would be perfectly fine with saying something to him (or just looking down your noses at him) if his vice were drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes?
Why is the situation any different because his particular vice happens to be food?
Because he’s not a close friend or family member. And I don’t know too many people who would remark on any of the other vices, either. It’s not that kind of relationship.
The point I was trying to make is that nearly everyone on internet message boards feels superior to drug users, cigarette smokers, and alcoholics, because “that’s not me.”
When obesity is mentioned, however, - how many Americans are obese now? - that hits a little closer to home and all of the sudden the big emotional guns are pointed down from atop the high-horse.
It’s hypocritical. Who would bat an eye at someone who said I was a druggie (or an alchy)? But I was a fatty is scolded.