Another vote for “Mention he looks really pale and sickly, but do NOT bring up his weight”.
Wow. The f-word really sends people through the roof.
The guy’s weight has nothing to do with this. If he’s looking a bit sickly lately, it’s perfectly OK to mention it to him in a casual-but-concerned way. And it’s entirely possible he doesn’t realize something’s changed, especially if he has other health/personal/family troubles that may be occupying his attention.
Of course, it’s also possible that nothing’s wrong at all. Nothing lost there.
To be clear: Do NOT say to him, “Morning, Ron. Hey, you’re really fat; you feeling OK?”
For all of you who are saying “he knows how he feels” so we should leave him alone - isn’t it possible that he’s feeling a little off but doesn’t necessarily think anything of it? Not that he’s deliberately ignoring it, as some of you seem to imply he may be doing, but maybe he’s ill and really doesn’t know it. The signs of impending heart attack can vary, and maybe he just thinks he’s tired and the occasional pain in the chest is heartburn, and telling him he looks ashen might clue him in that he should see a doctor after all. Then again, maybe he is just tired and suffering from heartburn, and your comment only serves to tell him he looks like crap, but it’s a chance I’d take just in case.
Of course you shouldn’t go up and start talking weight with him, and trying to inspire him with weight-loss stories. But for goodness’ sake, if the guy’s looking grey, someone should tell him he’s looking a little sick. So I definitely vote for telling him he’s looking ashen lately, and letting him take it from there. Anything he does or doesn’t do about it after that point is only his business.
Irrelevant. You said that if someone makes a choice, knowing full well what the consequences might be, then it’s none of your business if he lives or dies. That’s just cruel. Besides, what if he isn’t yelling? What if he’s in no position to do so?
Again, irrelevant to the tenet that you described. Moreover, why should one wait until the danger is immediate? That just increases the risk of death and helps nothing.
Where do you draw the line? Sooner or later you have to let people be who they are. Believe me…there have been times I’ve tried to save a person from herself and it got me nowhere. She’s dead now and no one could help her. Sad, but it’s a fact of life.
If your concerned about him you could ask someone in the office that knows him better if he is feeling well because your concerned about him.
Maybe he is ill aside from his weight issues and doesn’t want it broadcasted all over the office.
I know you mean well, but I doubt if anything you say will be welcomed even if you have the best of intentions. It’s not like a lightbulb is going to go off in his head because a random person tells him he doesn’t look well.
Maybe try to get to know him a little better first.
Actually, I think that’s entirely possible. He may have been experiencing a range of symptoms that he assumes are unrelated to each other (perhaps because they appeared at different times), and even the suggestion that there might be Something Going On could lead to him realizing the possibility.
I’m not a particularly perceptive person when it comes to my own physical state; I just generally assume I’m in good health, and any deviation from that is a temporary and minor thing. I’ll walk around with a cold for a week, thinking I’m having “allergies” or some such, then suddenly realize, “Hey, I’m sick.” I once got an extremely painful fracture to my upper arm, and just put up with it for several days without realizing that I was no-kidding injured. Finally I mentioned to a friend that my arm had been “a little sore” since I got knocked down playing flag football (on evil Astroturf), and he suggested I have it checked out. Result: Six weeks in a sling.
At any rate, I can’t see any problem with saying, “Hey, Phil. Say, you look a little pale; you doing OK?” If he says yes, he feels fine, brush it off with a “Must be the lighting in here or something. I hate these fluorescents,” or some such.
A principle that helps guide me in these situations is to carefully consider intentions.
Is it your intention, astro to show your co-worker “the way” to a healthy, trim lifestyle, such as the one you’ve found for yourself? Because, unprovoked, that’s highly annoying. Insulting, even. It’s his right to “eat to live” if he so chooses.
If it’s your intention to point out to him that his ashen appearance could be an indication of illness, you’re still making a presumption of ignorance on his part. But, sometimes we miss things in ourselves that are obvious to others.
So the question is whether you’re trying to correct him, or whether you care about his well-being. “I’ve noticed you looking pale lately - are you feeling OK?” (as previous posters have stated) doesn’t put him in a corner or force a conversation, and it might lead to some digging on his part.
The fact that another Doper besides Walloon has said the same thing makes me go back and consider how I’d feel if someone did that with me. I admit, I would feel awful not knowing who had sent it and it would likely make me distrust the entire work group.
I withdraw the suggestion. Ask to talk to him after work outside of the building, away from co workers. Parking lot, etc. Explain your concerns. Hopefully he will respond politely.
With all due respect, I sincerely hope that those folks who feel the way you do never need CPR in a parking lot. If the world felt as those folks do, an awful lot of folks would stroll past them on the way to their cars.
Such a person would win the award for Most Self-Righteous Corpse Of The Week.
( Note: I am in no way wishing for anything negative to happen to Oakminster. I used the plural in the above statement quite on purpose. )
It does not make a person a bad person because they feel compelled to help out their fellow human being, and it is saddening to hear folks who are so compelled being attacked for that inclination. IMHO it makes them a good person, worthy of respect and support.
It is one thing not to feel so compelled within yourself. It is quite another to attack those who feel compelled to help out their fellow human.
That’s a good question, and worthy of a whole 'nuther thread. However, asking “Were do you draw the line?” does not justify inaction altogether. In other words, we might not know precisely where the line should be draw, but that doesn’t mean we should avoid offering any unsolicited help whatsoever.
Whenever he walks past you at work just begin to intone, “Dead man walking boss, dead man walking!” Eventually he will ask you what you mean.
Or alternatively approach him and say “Gee Fred you remind me of myself X years and X pounds ago. It looks like the good life has caught up with you too. Ya wanna hear what I had to do?”
Dead man walking will provide more laughs though.
I know this ain’t the Pit, but where do you “do-gooders” come from? The argument here isn’t if any of us mortals are callous or uncaring but rather if it’s any of our business to begin with.
Go back and read the post about intent… If your intent is to tell the drowning/fat/smoking man that he was an idiot for swimming in dangerous conditions/eating too much/inhaling poison and he’s likely to die an untimely death, then bah on you. Those are his choices and none of your business.
However, if your intent is to tell a casual acquaintance that he’s not looking so good lately (ashen, pale, blah blah blah), then by all means knock yourself out. I agree that not everyone is self-aware and a sincere comment could make a difference.
The OP is annoying to me because he assumes that the man’s problem is weight-related, and since he’s an ex-fatty, he feels he can intervene and make a difference. His co-worker’s illness (if he even has an illness) may be caused from a genetic heart defect, the flu, or a million other things besides his weight. The fact that the OP even mentions his weight sends off warning bells in my head that we’re dealing with a do-gooder and not someone sincerely interesting in helping another human being.
My husband is a stock broker. He is very knowledgeable about managing money. However he does not ever dispense advice to anyone unless asked. You’d be amazed at how many of our friends will eventually corner him with their concerns and questions. Get a few beers in them and their entire financial history is laid bare before him.
My advice is to not bring up your co-worker’s weight or health issues. It isn’t your business. But do let him know that you used to be obese. And then wait for him to come to you for advice. I’ll bet you that he will.
I agree. And if he says he feels fine, take him at his word.
:rolleyes: The guy is 5’10, 350lbs. We’re not talking assumption here, we’re talking Occam’s Razor.
Some poster went far beyond that, though. Consider the following: “The list of people that can and/or should intervene if they feel it necessary would include the guys family, close personal friends, doctor, and perhaps church members. It does not include random dogoodniks that have some perverse urge to stick their nose in the private business of a relative stranger.”
This goes far beyond merely saying that it’s not directly our business. Rather, it assumes that the people who want to help are “random nogoodniks” who are motivated by nothing but “some perverse urge to stick their nose in the private business of a relative stranger.”
Yeah, I can see how that’s the same as saying, “Dude, you’ve been looking kinda ashen lately. Are you all right?”
I meant “Some posters went far beyond that…” My bad.
he wont diet etc till he is ready, you cant do it for him and you cant give advice on the subject, its got to be his idea and he needs to be doing it for himself. so dont lay any guilt on him. like all of us his freewill is God given…respect that …
Years ago, in the middle of the school year, the classmate who sat in front of me paid me back some tiny loans I’d been making him. Erasers, things like that. I said “are you going somewhere? People usually get this kind of attacks of honesty at the end of the year or if they’ve got a big trip coming.” He said “no, no” and laughed. The laughter sounded completely fake to me; I thought of grabbing him, pulling him to the cafeteria and keeping him there until he told me what the heck was going on. But the classmate sitting on his right and looking at him curiously was his brother. “Bah, if there was something strange going on, I’m sure his family would know.”
This was on a Thursday. On Friday he took arsenic, on Monday he was dead.
While I’ve never been in that exact situation again, I’ve been the one person who stayed at work even though I was absolutely weak and dizzy until the shift manager took one look at me and said “hell woman you look like shit - I’m driving you home now. Wait, do you live with someone? Should I rather take you to your mother’s?” and I’ve been the person saying “you ok? You know, if you don’t feel well enough to drive, you shouldn’t be at work - are you sure you’re ok?” (two of these people ended up having short hospital stays for things they’d been labeling as ‘just me being a wimp’) One of the first things that’s affected when you’re sick is your judgment.
The weight isn’t the issue here, but saying “are you ok?” in a way that sounds like you mean it has never killed anybody.