Okay, I’m about to share with you a particular situation. I want to make it clear though, that I am NOT looking for advice how to ‘fix’ this particular situation. I’m more concerned with the cognitive process that goes on inside my mind as this type of thing happens often with me.
Yesterday, I posted an inside joke on FB that only a few of my friends would get. An old friend of mine, that I haven’t seen in a long time sends me an IM:
Her: I don’t know what that meme was in reference to, but I thought it was hilarious.
Me: Hey Jane! Yeah, joke was in reference to “X”.
Her: Oh cool! How have you been man?
Me: Been doing quite well, how about yourself?
Her: You know me, same ol’ same ol’.
Me: Good to hear. Hey, don’t know if you still do happy hour at “Joe’s Bar”, butt if you do, let me know and I’ll cone see ya! It’s been too long!
/end conversation.
I thought it was odd that she didn’t respond, but I just shrugged it off thinking she must be busy. Then later on that evening, I got to thinking: “Shit! That’s the first time I spoke with her since I broke up with my GF. I hope she doesn’t think I’m trying to date her! (I’m not)”
And it was from there the downward spiral into embarrassment went. I then spent to rest of the evening mentally kicking myself in the rear: “Me and my big dumb mouth!”
Anyway, I guess what I’m asking is; most people don’t go through that sort of mental gymnastics to come to such a conclusion do they?
is it normal? To a certain degree, yes. See “esprit de l’escalier” or “mots de l’escalier”: the words you think as you go away from the moment and place where you would’a, could’a, should’a said or done something differently from how you did.
Never worrying about how you appear to others is abnormal and unhealthy. Worrying too much about it is [greek chorus]abnormal and unhealthy[/gc]. Worrying that you worry too much can really get you dizzy.
Don’t ever beat yourself up for being human. What you did was on innocent gesture, a very human thing to do. Yeah, perhaps she misinterpreted it. Oops! It’s okay to reflect on it, but it’s not good to beat yourself up for it. You’re only human, right?
You’ll be alright, just try not to so it too often.
IANAchick, but I treat texts/IMs more like old-fashioned written letters than I do phone conversations. Maybe I’ll do some immediate back & forth while I’ve got my phone on me or while I’m in front of the PC. But as soon as I move on to do something else like make dinner or pull an engine out of a car I’ll pick up the thread, maybe, when it occurs to me to do so. I guess I’ve never considered I might be leaving someone hanging.
One thing is for sure though, the thread ends when it ends, and there isn’t an “Over and out” equivalent. Possibly she just figured the conversation was over.
Dynamics between men and women can be tricky. Either she thought you were asking her out or not, either way you aren’t going to be seeing her any less than you do now. What’s more certain is if she was interested in dating you’d probably know.
Speaking as someone who does what the OP does many times a day, this. You get caught up in the moment and that’s good! What you said was perfectly natural and appropriate.
What you don’t want to pull is a Swingers, and write her back saying how you hope she didn’t think you were trying to date her, that’s the farthest thing from your mind, not that you don’t think she’s an attractive person, you do, but…
My favorite is Friday night panicking over something I said at work and fretting about it all weekend until I can somehow go “fix” it. :rolleyes:
That is how I talk myself down – “she’s probably forgotten all about it. Not everyone has the remarkably uneventful life I do and time to brood over these things.”
If it happens a lot, you might want to check out cognitive behavior therapy. What you’re describing is a cognitive distortion where you believe that a person does X because they’re reacting to you directly in situations where it’s equally plausible that they aren’t and something else has prompted their behavior. If you didn’t seriously consider that maybe she got too busy to talk to you and decided it was far more she thought you had uncomfortable intent towards her, personalization. We all do it to some degree, but if it’s this upsetting very often, CBT might help you gain perspective.
I tell my daughter this all the time, People are more worried about themselves so much that they barely hear or see you. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
OTOH, I do this overthinking all the time, I just keep it to myself.
How emotionally vested are you in a friendship or possible relationship with this person and the history of how it relates to the ex-GF and perhaps the social meeting place you mentioned?
Otherwise you are going to get snarky replies from people telling you it shouldn’t mean anything into you and you are thinking about it too much. It would be like saying, I applied online for this job and got a rejection, should I be bothered by it? Well, if it was your dream job, I would expect you to feel something about it, but if it was one of 20 you applied for and didn’t spend any time even researching their company, it would be hard to expect you to be bothered by their lack of interest.
Perhaps a more pointed question for you is this: Were you romantically interested in her? Did you have feelings for her for a long time and never acted on it until now?
This is all her fault … Jane knows you’re the finest man who will ever invite her to a bar for some drinks … she knows she blew her bestest opportunity to bed you and now she’s fraught with anguish and self-doubt … I’m guessing she has already gotten yet another three pack of kittens to help her overcome her anxiety … she knows you’re broke up with your old g/f and just simply froze at her chance of fulfilling her life-long dream of being your wife … now she’s crying into the litter boxes as she scoops thinking you’ll hate her forever now … not even her 17 cats can help …
The Grrr! … why polygamy is illegal (or you’d have all the women) …
I think the question was not about the specific case, but about whether his worry about it is normal. If he’s anything like me, this is just one example of many where he broods and worries about things that other people didn’t think anything of.
So this is how you fix your cognitive process - from one anxiety prone mess to another
What’s the worst thing that can happen (realistically) - she thought it was an unwelcome come on and now won’t see you.
What’s the impact of that - not much, you haven’t seen her in a long time anyway, and next time you do see her she’ll likely have forgotten the awkward exchange.
What’s the best thing that can happen - she shows up at Joe’s and you get to see her again.
What is likely to have happened - her phone rang or something interesting popped up on her feed and she went down the internet hole or the commercial ended on her TV show and by the time she was back in chat “cool, I’ll try and show up sometime” seemed unnecessary.
(A CBT therapist would probably have you write this down in a journal)
“If it won’t make a difference five years from now, it isn’t worth five minutes now” is worth repeating. Then distract yourself with a good book or a movie you find engaging (Hot Fuzz is one of my favorites) - something else that fills the narrative space in your head. If it pops back, keep asking yourself the same questions. If the “worst that can happen” gets unrealistic - go for it. “She is so offended she sends hit men to my house. What they don’t know is that I’m actually an ex-navy seal. Armed with nothing but a nail clippers…”
And if that doesn’t work, pop an Ativan (I’m kidding, benzos are bad if you take them for every little thing - but talk to your doctor, Buspar has been wonderful and isn’t a benzo. Valerian is also good and herbal for stopping racing thoughts and helping you sleep - but if you are on a SSRI you don’t want to take anything else that affects serotonin - which valarian does)
