I've got issues.

In My Humble Opinion
1

Really serious issues. Over the past few months I’ve been caught saying some pretty nasty stuff to people I don’t even know. I have no idea where the comments come from, they just pop out. It’s not an anger thing, or being distracted. it’s not even the kind of stuff I usually think to myself.

Example:

I was buying flowers for my wife at a grocery store, and as I go up to the counter the cashier says:

“OH! Flowers, for me?!!?”

To which I respond, with grace and good manners:

“Depends, do you go down on the first date?”

What the fuck? Where the hell did that come from? The poor checkout girl was stunned. I immediately blushed a bright red and apologized profusely. Needless to say I’m not going back anytime soon.

Another:

As I’m sitting on a bench smoking a cigarette some strange lady walks by and sticks her big fat fucking nose into my business and says:

“Smoking is bad for you, you know.”

My response? Once again, elegance and manners:

“So’s talking to strangers. It’s the leading cause of death among women your age.”

From what part of my obviously diseased mind did that little horror story crawl? The poor lady shot me a look of pure terror and sped up almost to a run.

I haven’t the foggiest idea why this has begun happening. It’s almost like Tourette’s, but my comments are invariably limited to situations where it’s myself and one other person. I haven’t, for instance, blurted something out in a crowd, only when I know it’s just me and the person who is supposed to hear it.

Should I see a shrink or something?

2

Hmm… how old are you? Are you nearing the crotchety old man point in life?

3

See a shrink? Because you have become a dark, R-rated version of William Powell in The Thin Man? Who’d want to be cured of that?

4

Heck, I thought the second one was a perfectly appropriate response to an arrogant busybody. The first one, not so much.

5

This is making me laugh. It’s a gift, who’d want to change! (that and the fact that I posted a thread with the exact same topic line once)

I would say that in case #1 you were way off, in case #2 you were spot on (the checkout girl just wanted to be human, the old lady wanted to be a pain.)

If you seriously can’t control this, I would say see a doctor - esp. since it was previously nonexistant behavior.

6

I’ve got tissues. Maybe we could trade?

I wouldn’t be too worried - both responses were funny, if not entirely appropriate.

7

I dunno, I think they were both appropriately sarcastic responses to nosy, stupid remarks. I hate it when cashiers comment on what I’m buying, and the smoking remark was utterly rude. (I can’t stand cigarette smoke, but I would never dream of making such an obvious and useless statement to a smoker I KNOW, much less a total stranger.)

I think in both cases you educated the person so that she won’t be making comments like THAT again.

8

Well I think you were out of line in scenario #1 but I have no problems with scenario #2. Yes it was somewhat mean but sometimes people really have got to learn to mind their own business. I don’t think it requires therapy but maybe you’re feeling more stress than usual lately? If you’ve always thought this way but have been holding it in, it’s probably stress making you less inhibited.
If even the thoughts aren’t normal to you, well I dunno.

9

I agree that #1 was totally out of line. #2 was still out of line, (what real good’s it going to do?) but if you want to be curmudgeonly that’s you’re business, you seem to have some wit.

Re your by-line, Have you read ‘Jurgen’ by J.B. Cabell ? It’s an allegorical fantasy in which in part Jurgen visits his father in hell where Jurgen sr. Is insisting that the overworked demons aren’t doing enough to torture him, his sins deserve more. When the tired imps turn to Jurgen for intercession the following conversation takes place.

Jurgen. “So what are these sins which are so terrible?”

“I’ve killed men, raped women, burned towns”

“Yes but those people would all be dead now anyway and the towns abandoned”

“ARE YOU SAYING MY SINS DON’T MATTER! If my sins don’t matter then I don’t matter!”

Jugren gives up in the face of this logic.

10

Attryant: A mere 30. Not yet crotchety.

Scarlett67: I don’t think the cashier was trying to be nosey, she was trying to be cute (Which she was, I might add). I don’t mind a cashier talking to me or trying to make conversation, in fact I prefer it to the surly ones who just want to get you hell out of the line.

Venoma: I don’t know if it’s a matter of control or not. The words quite literally come out of my mouth before I have a chance to think about them.

Maybe the second one wasn’t such a good example. Let’s try these:

While getting coffee at a drive through, I went up to the window to see a girl waiting to take my money. When I got to the window she asked if I wanted cream and sugar?

My response?

“Nope, give it to me hot and black, just like I like my women.”

Of course, the girl was black. Again, I have no idea why I said what I said. It’s not something I would EVER say, much less to some poor girl working a drive through. A similar thing happened with a waiter in a restaurant.

While at a K-Mart a store employee asked me if he could help me find anything.

“Sure, you can find my nuts and put them in your mouth.”

I have other scenarios just like these, too numerous to mention. It’s like there’s a psycho working my vocal chords or something. I gonna wind up getting my ass kicked.

11

With the first (of your second set), you were quoting Airplane, kind of. That kind of mitigates the sting a little, I would think…

12

I agree with breaknrun, and think you should take a good hard look at your stress levels. Sudden, bitter behavior is probably a bad sign of something. Has anything changed in your life recently? Death of an old friend or health problems?

<rant> Although, what were you supposed to do? Tell the cashier the flowers were for her, as well as your heart, her current boyfriend doesn’t deserve her, and you were going to follow her home and protect her forever? People who make “unanswerable” comments are going to hear ugly things sooner or later.

13

I’m beginning to think may be some counseling might be in order… this is too organized for Tourette’s, and it’s obviously something you want to stop doing.

14

It might not be a bad idea to get yourself a physical and/or see a psychiatrist.

Have you noticed any other unusual symptoms? This could really be anything ranging from just being a previously undiagnosed smartass to mild depression to something really serious. (Certain neurological disorders manifest as sudden changes in personality.)

15

Is it possible you suffer from Weisenheimer’s disease?

16

Welby1

Is this the kind of thing that you’ve always thought mentally in that kind of situation and just never said or is it something entirely new. I usually think stuff like that just never say it.

17

I for one am glad you’re out there saying the stuff that I’m often thinking. Somehow it makes me feel better.

(I thought all four of your examples were hilarious by the way. If you have any more, post them!)

18

I would talk to your doctor about what has been happening if I were you, or you may find one day that you say the wrong thing to the wrong person and you end up with a broken nose. I mean that as a serious comment and not just a glib remark - there may be a condition that fits the symptons you have described.

Having said that I agree with Giraffe - I thought your responses were funny - especially the “nuts” remark!

19

welby1, you’re serious, right?

Because, yes, I think it’s a problem–maybe not an “issue” in the psychological sense, but definitely something that needs to be addressed because a. it’s a change in your behavior, and apparently a pretty major one; and b. you are worried about why this is happening.

I think stress is very likely to have something to do with it, mainly because all of these examples have a sort of defensive sound to me. But I think it would be well worthwhile to check it out, either with your doctor or therapist or both.

(I’m a big therapy advocate–why the heck not? Can’t hurt, might help.)

And are you getting enough sleep? My dh gets weird like this when he’s overtired or on certain meds.

Best,
karol

20

One day I just started doing stuff like that. The only difference being that I could catch myself and just say it in my head. In my case I think it was a matter of repressing those emotions normally to the point where they would come to a head because once I started visiting the forums at somethingawful.com where the average joke over there gets you banned at the SDMB I stopped. Now I am more sarcastic in general, but less in outbursts like that.