Why do you do it? Is it some perverse thrill? Self-justification? I can’t fathom it. Maybe it’s just ignorance, but somehow I can’t believe that. I mean, after all this time, people have to be -aware-, right?
It’s a rejection. I can get that. After all we talked about, I can understand. I’ve had it happen before. It sucks, we’ve all been through it, we’ve all walked away from it.
But to sit there going on about all the positive qualities you see in me? WTF? Why bother? I mean, is that -really- supposed to make me feel better? (“Oh, so I really am great? Wonderful. Why the hell do I get this same damn speech on a regualr basis, then?”) Or is it some justification to the self? I really don’t comprehend. You can’t think this makes me feel better, can you?
Ah, to hell with it. Yeah. Friends. All right. I don’t mind, I could use all the friends I can get.
It sounds like she was trying to tell you in the nicest terms that she thinks you have a lot to offer to the right girl, but she’s not sexually attracted to you. Nothing wrong with that. Someone out there is. Just not her. But it would suck to actually say that to someone you otherwise like, so she just left that part out.
Soooo… The important part, (the crux of the matter, so to speak) gets left out. How is this supposed to be helpful again? It doesn’t seem to be anything good for the person saying it, as they’re not saying what they really feel, and it certainly isn’t any kind of ego-save for me. I’m just still not understanding as to why this approach is taken. I mean, don’t people know how lame this sounds?
And, morning after, I’m a little less bile-filled about it. Disapointed, sure, but not as venomous.
Pretty much, and it’s what I suspected. Thanks for putting me straight on it, Mercury.
So, part two is… If you really want the dumped to feel better… Don’t say this stuff, please? Just rip the damn band-aid off and walk away. Better in the long run.
But what if you really do want to be friends? What if you really do like the person enough to want them to still be in your life, just not enough to want to be romantically connected to them? Why does it have to be all or nothing?
Yes, it hurts to get dumped. Yes, maybe it would be better to have a cooling-off period and not jump right from hot-for-your-body to does-this-dress-look-right-for-my-date-with-somebody-else-tonight? But the fact that she maybe really does want to be friends is some kind of an insult? Where does that come from?
Come on, ArrrMatey. You can’t really expect us to believe that if a woman you weren’t attracted to got interested in you, and asked you out, that you’d just say “Sorry, babe. You’re not my type.” You’d say “I don’t want to ruin our friendship,” or “I’m not good enough for you,” or something like that. Letting someone down easy is a matter of polite convention, like saying “Bless you” when somebody sneezes.
cuauhtemoc, I’ll admit I’ve never really thought about it. It’s never come up. I just find that the intrinsic pain of the moment isn’t going to be smoothed over by complements, it’s just going to sound more confusing. And it’s not like those complements are going to particularly make the dumped feel better later, is it?
jayjay, I didn’t say I had a problem with being friends (at least, I don’t think I did… Lemme backscroll… Nope. Didn’t.). I had a problem with this speech that I think -universally- makes people feel worse, not better. Has anyone ever gotten this and said, “Hey, you know, you’re right, I’ve got all these good qualities! Thanks for making me feel better!” I think not.
LOL! Well, seeing as we hadn’t even gotten to that stage of things, it certainly would have been an -interresting- rejection! (And a bit of Russian roulette on her part…)
“Insult” may be overstating it. Why it gets to be hurtful and unfair is that she wants to cherry-pick the bits and pieces of the relationship she still wants, and damn whether or not you’re getting the bits you want and how much this costs you. (Yes, I’ve been there. Yes, I’m over it, pretty much. And yes, I can still remember the pain.)
Sorry, but sometimes the ethical thing to do, even if you do
is to recognise that this ain’t enough for them, and the fact that it’s enough for you doesn’t make it OK.
And, per the OP, a reciting of all the dumpee’s sterling qualities does not make the going easier. It might make you feel a bit less of a cow for doing what you’ve decided to do, but if that’s all it’s accomplishing, take a real close look at your motives and see if you still like 'em.
Change all gender-specific pronouns and epithets to fit the occasion. I strongly doubt this is a women-only fault.
