I recently started dating a woman who’s overweight. I don’t have a problem with her weight, but she does and has mentioned having one of those weight loss surgeries done. My response to this was I’d bed supportive irrespective of her decision. So what’s the problem?
Yesterday while we were talking about some tv show Key and Peele if it’s important, we started joking about “butt surgery” or brazil or both. The details are vague sorry. But i do remember the last bit specifically. She said if i someone handing over their credit card she’d do it. To which I replied I’d never ask anyone to change their body to suit me. We talked some more about nothing in particular. She left shortly thereafter.
Cut to five hours later when she texted me that she ran into Unknown to Me male friend who complimented her on her looks. She tells him she said no “Because my boyfriend thinks i need a boob and butt job. She tells me Unknown Dude thinks i’m an assshole in so many words. I have been pissed since then. We’re supposed to meet up tonight, but i can’t help feeling like she threw me under the bus for no reason. Am I overreacting?
I will offer you this advice: talk to her. It sounds like she is very sensitive about her weight and read way too much into what you said. The wrong things even. Just tell her what you’ve said here: you have no issues with her weight, you like her the way she is, and that you will support her no matter what she decides to do. You might also let her know that her actions hurt you, since they in no way reflect how you actually feel.
From what you’ve said, you did nothing wrong. Since body issues are one of humanity’s biggest relationship land mines, I would be crystal clear in laying how you feel out there. Hopefully you can nip this in the bud.
She sounds loco. She’s manufactured your point of view, wholecloth, to elicit compliments and protection from another man, then reported it to you to make you come crawling to her ready to do whatever it takes to “make up.” This is childish. I’d wash my hands of her.
You said you wouldn’t want someone to change themselves to suit you, to the sensitive/paranoid person this implies that if you were that kind of person there are things you would want her to change.
THIS is the real red flag to me. We all have our insecurities, and they are what they are. I can fully believe that she honestly misinterpreted your words as saying there was something that needed fixing.
But to then *tell *you that another man complimented her and that she turned down that compliment because “you” (in her mind) criticised her? That’s a bizarre power play, that is.
I ain’t gonna say run away, but I will say there’s a flag on the play and you need to talk about this and figure out exactly what’s going on here if you’re going to decide that this relationship is worth continuing.
This is someone that, if you stay, you’ll be walking on eggshells for the entire relationship.: the way you said something, didn’t say something, etc. Why would you want that?
Either she heard what she was expecting to hear OR there was a very limited number of responses she would have considered positive and yours wasn’t one of them. In either case, she didn’t quite hear what you said.
People have hangups about all kinds of things; my SiL got mad when she asked my brother to pick curtains and his answer was “either one, honey, I don’t care about curtains”, Mom and I eventually got her to understand that it was meant literally, he just doesn’t give a shit about home décor so long as it makes her happy and the price isn’t painful. If it’s about a limited number of issues, you can spell things out very clearly when they come up. If it’s like that in general, it’s going to be hell.
You can’t win. My Wife has hang-ups similar to this and even had some plastic surgery. I either compliment her too much or not enough, or tell her I’m satisfied with her appearance, either way it doesn’t matter if the person isn’t satisfied with themselves, they won’t be happy and it turns into this constant thing and its really annoying.
There’s two ways you can look at it in my opinion. Either this is a really touchy subject because you guys haven’t talked about it enough for her to feel comfortable or she is going to overreact about every little thing and trying to make you feel shitty and involving another guy in the whole next seems like a real douche move.
If it was me maybe I would give her a pass if she’s never done anything like this before and just try to talk it out and explain it to her. She does this over couple of things I would break up with her though. If you can’t be honest in the beginning it’s going to be really hard to be honest years down the road I know this from experience. Either way good luck. My advice isn’t really that meaningful I think you should just do what you feel is right.
Thanks for all the responses i knew i could count on you guys. We talked it out last night and I’m honestly not certian i want to continue seeing her. I’ve decided for the time being to wait and see.
So as a woman who’s overweight and extremely self conscious about it and sporting a huge self image problem, I totally saw where the post was going before you finished. The moment you said ’ I’d never ask anyone to change their body to suit me’, her mind (and mine) went instantly to ‘He doesn’t like my body but doesn’t feel right asking me to change it’. Now, when you’ve got these self image problems, you read into EVERYTHING. Depending on the severity you start imagining what people are thinking but not saying. And you get really paranoid/self conscious. It fucking sucks and it’s really hard to stop yourself.
That being said, her saying something to an ex and then telling you was uncalled for. I don’t know if she was looking for someone to refute the assumptions she had about herself or what but she did it in a piss poor manner. Talk to her about it but just remember, if she’s anywhere as bad as I am, you have to watch how you word things when it comes to her appearance/weight.
