Damn. I was just coming in here to say that. :smack:
Now see…I’d have done the exact opposite. 
Dear Anonymous Cash Donor -
Thank you for your eleven million, six hundred fifteen thousand, five hundred and nine dollar gift. As you might know, I have several million overdue library books, and this will be just the ticket for all of those ten cent fines. I also plan to invest in a few dozen counterfeit-detection pens, new locks for my door, self-defense classes, a rottweiler, and a judge/politician.
In short, thank you for your very generous gift, and know that I treasure our long-distance anonymous relationship.
Yours,
TimeWinder
Check the return address. Maybe it’s from Nigeria.
I’d slap the money in an interest-bearing money market account at my local bank and tell the truth about the whole matter. File a SAR on me if you like; the Feds can look me over with a fine-toothed comb if they want.
If the rightful owner comes forward with a credible claim to the money, I’ll gladly make arrangements to return it to them. Hopefully I’ll make enough in interest to cover my gas driving to the bank and back.
If no claims from rightful owner, I’ll have a nice source of income going forward…
No. Not true. Stop it.
12 CFR § 353.3 provides that a Suspicious Activity Report must be filed:
[ol]
[li]Whenever the bank detects any known or suspected federal criminal violation, or pattern of criminal violations, committed or attempted against the bank or involving a transaction or transactions conducted through the bank, and involving or aggregating $5,000 or more in funds or other assets[/li][li]Transactions aggregating $5,000 or more that involve potential money laundering[/li][li]Transactions aggregating $5,000 or more where the transaction has no business or apparent lawful purpose or is not the sort of transaction in which the particular customer would normally be expected to engage, and the bank knows of no reasonable explanation for the transaction after examining the available facts, including the background and possible purpose of the transaction[/li][/ol]
A Currency Transaction Report must be filed if the transaction involves over $10,000 aggregate in cash. (See 31 USC § 5321). If a transaction is both suspicious and over $10,000 then both a SAR and a CTR must be filed. But the $5,000 threshhold is ONLY for known or suspected criminal activity, not for all transactions.
Is there a postmark on the box? It makes a difference. Unsolicited merchandise sent through the US mail is legally the property of the recipient, free and clear. If someone send you something of value without you asking for it, and includes a note “Please send me payment for this, or if you don’t want it, just send it back”, congratulations, they’ve just given you a free gift. I don’t know if this also applies to deliveries other than through the USPS, though.
And regardless of whether I keep it or not, I’m still calling the cops. When a cool million just shows up at your door with no explanation, there’s something shady going on, and big. The police are likely to be investigating whatever it was, and it’s likely that their investigation will eventually lead them to me. I’d have to think that it’d look a lot better, from the cops’ point of view, if I’m cooperating with them from the get-go, rather than trying to play dumb. Let them know I have nothing to hide. The worst case result (which I think would be unlikely) from going to the police is that I might not get the money, which I ordinarily wouldn’t have gotten anyway. The best case result is that I get to keep the money, and I’m protected from the eventual mob retribution, and might even get some sort of congratulations or award for helping with a big bust. Meanwhile, the worst case for not telling the cops ends with me being arrested for counterfeiting or laundring or whatever-the-heck it is, and the Mob hunting me down and killing me in my cell before my case goes to trial.
Police, yep. What if I’m being set up for something? Or the afore-mentioned criminals are looking for it?
If there is no legal law saying you have to report cash showing up at your doorstep, why go to the police? If it’s part of something they’re involved in, money laundering or whatnot, and they find out you have the money, how can they penalize you? What rules say they get to take the money from you? I’m asking because I don’t know law very well, but I’ve watched enough Law & Order to know it’s unlikely you’d get to keep it.
If there’s nothing that clearly states you must turn in the money, I’d keep it.
I’d feed it to the hamsters on the condition I could meet Cecil. And I want a new monikor. Something intelligent. Something witty. Essentially something I could never make up on my own.
Oh and once, just once, I’d flame someone in GD without penalty.
This isn’t the movies, I’m keeping it.