Something Important Happened in my Mind

[Two_Many_Cats]

This happened a couple of days ago. It’s going to sound weird, but I think it’s significant.

I was at work and I did something clumsy. Two days later, I don’t even remember what it was. But I do remember my brain saying sharply to myself “You idiot!”

Now a year or two ago, I posted on these boards that I had a New Year’s Resolution that I was going to become more positive, and as part of that, I was going to stop calling myself names when stupid stuff happened. I posted at the end of the year that I thought I had kept this resolution fairly well.

But this, two days ago, was different.

This time when it happened, I got stern. I got quietly angry. I squeezed my brain and said to it, “Stop it. We decided we weren’t going to do that. It isn’t nice, and I don’t like it.”

And this time, after a pause, my brain said, “Okay, I’m sorry.”

The same voice that calls me stupid apologized to me.

This is big. I’m not kidding. My inner voice has never apologized for any mean thing it has ever said to me.

I’m not crazy. I know this voice is a part of me. I know it’s not aliens or the CIA. I think everybody has this voice. Mine has never really liked me, and I don’t know why. Maybe it thinks our life sucks and it’s my fault. Maybe it’s the echoes of my mom yelling at me when she was drunk, I don’t know. But my mom never told me I was stupid. Lazy and no good, yes, but not stupid. My brain always calls me stupid. And I’m not.

And now, for the first time, it apologizes.

Two days ago, but I’m crying now.

[don_t_ask]

Maybe it all works something like this piece from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. She explains that every time she contemplates a new project, she has to deal with her fears about it. She doesn’t try to block it out but makes space for it:

Dearest Fear:

Creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together. I understand you’ll be joining us, because you always do. I acknowledge that you believe you have an important job to do in my life, and that you take your job seriously. Apparently your job is to induce complete panic whenever I’m about to do anything interesting—and, may I say, you are superb at your job. So by all means, keep doing your job, if you feel you must. But I will also be doing my job on this road trip, which is to work hard and stay focused. And Creativity will be doing its job, which is to remain stimulating and inspiring. There’s plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, so make yourself at home, but understand this: Creativity and I are the only ones who will be making any decisions along the way. I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still—your suggestions will never be followed. You’re allowed to have a seat, and you’re allowed to have a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote. You’re not allowed to touch the road maps; you’re not allowed to suggest detours; you’re not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you’re not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive.”

Then, she says, they head of together.

[RioRico]

I try to tell my brain (what’s left of it) to behave but… the voices in my head have their own agendae. It’s all I can do to tell my own self to shut up rather than muttering into the night. And ridding myself of idiocy… I recall my time in radio school at age 21. Another student was bald and ancient, at least 40. He told of his father looking at him and saying, “The older he gets, the dumber he gets.” I’m there now. So I’ll tell myself to behave and maybe I will…

[MichaelEmouse]

It almost feels like sharing a skull with someone or something else. I like to tell it: “I’m not stuck in here with you. You’re stuck in here with me.”

Maybe more primitive brain networks we evolved and tend to take over when stressed? I’m not sure if the closest analogy would be a child, a dog or the sandworm from Dune. I wish I could find some way to have conversation with it. I’ve never had the experience of feeling like it had independently replied something, though. Come up with more sensations, images or memories, yes, but not like it was an interlocutor. If you have any guesses as to how that could be facilitated, I’d like to know.

[Beckdawrek]

I’m a head talker too. I have such big plans and visions of things I’m gonna do. They never go as planned. I’m my own worst critic. If I can do some things and power through it, afterwards I allow myself a small pity party. Then I try to compartmentalize it and stow it away til I have distance and time. It helps.

[pool]

It’s always amused me how our own brains, our own dear pals love to torture and torment us, come on buddy we’re on the same team, get with the program!

[nelliebly]

It took me six months after I left my nightmare ex to get his critical voice out of my head. Any little mess-up, and I’d hear him condemning me in just the phrases I’d heard so often during the marriage. But though I no longer heard his voice and phrasing, I was still highly critical of myself (and still am, to an extent).

I’m not a shrink, and this is based on my own experiences only. think judging ourselves is a healthy part of the executive functioning of the brain. We learn how to judge ourselves very early on from parents, teachers, other kids, etc. When those voices are highly critical of us, our inner critic becomes highly critical, too. The phrases may change, but the damning critic is the same overly demanding force for evil.

I think, OP, that instead of letting the critical voice have all the power, you took over the reins. What a tremendous achievement!