Sometimes you pull a muscle in the weirdest place

I don’t know how I did it, but last Friday I awoke in the morning and realized that I had somehow managed to pull the muscle that makes the left side of my mouth open and close. As long as my mouth was in a closed or slackjawed position, I was fine, but it hurt like hell to open up or bite down. I realized that this is what a porn star must feel like after she has sucked too much giant cock.

Anyway, I was confined to eating oatmeal, Jello and rice for a couple days. Not that I really minded, I love oatmeal and rice and especially Jello, but it gets boring after a while, ya know? Fortunately after a couple days my mouth muscles began to heal themselves, and now I can open and chew with only a little pain.

I am still at a loss for how I did it. Perhaps I was trying to chew through solid titanium and I don’t remember it. Or maybe, in my sleep, I yawned really hard. On the other hand, it may be but a temporary remission of lockjaw, in which case I will die of tetanus before the week is out.

It’s a mystery, all right.