Son is going to China ~ how to handle ex? (moderately long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My 14-yr old son is going to China with my brother at Xmas time. He will be gone 3 weeks.

Son’s dad and I have been divorced for 13 yrs. Our relationship with dad might politely be referred to as “strained”. Dad is an abusive, alcoholic control freak. We prefer not to have to deal with him at all.

OK to the question: Son’s plane leaves Memphis on Sunday morning, 9 a.m. I have volunteered to drive Son, Brother, and SIL to the airport. This means that Son and I will need to spend the night in Brother’s city, which just so happens to also be Dad’s city.

I feel like I should at least stop by Dad’s, to let him visit with Son before Son goes so far away. Of course that opens up a big sticky mess of demands that Son and I spend the night there, that Dad accompany us to Memphis, etc. etc.

I’ve thought of just not saying anything but that seems wrong.

How would you handle this?

2

Does your son want to see his Dad? If not, I wouldn’t bother calling Dad.

3

Does Son want to see dad ?.. not particularly. He kind of tolerates dad. I’m wondering what’s the right thing to do.

4

The right thing to do is to listen to your instincts & your son. :slight_smile: Unless you are legally bound (court ordered child visitation), I wouldn’t go visit someone that neither you nor your child want to see.

5

'k thanks for listening. :slight_smile:

6

I can’t see one good reason to take him. Since you obviously would prefer not to see him, leave it to your son who it also appears isn’t really interested. And its only 3 weeks anyway…

7

I am estranged from my father (eight years now and one of the best decisions of my life) and so I have some experience with this sort of issue.

Anyway, pretend this guy is just some random stranger whom you happen to know is an abusive jerk. Would you want your son to spend time with him? Of course not. Being his father makes it no different. If you wouldn’t let your son be around some random creep, don’t even entertain the thought of having him around a creep you know. Being related isn’t a reason to put you and the ones you care about through an emotional rollercoaster. That’s my opinion on it anyway.

Besides, it is only three weeks that your son will be away.

8

I agree with the previous posters. You have no obligation to an ex-husband who doesn’t treat y’all very well. Why isn’t he part of your son’s life now? Did the courts keep him away - in which case he’s definately not due for a visit… or did he decide he didn’t want anything to do with his own son - in which case he doesn’t deserve to see him anyway. Don’t feel obligated.

You’re the only person close enough to the situation to know what to do. I suggest you talk it over with your son. He might still be young, but by age 14 kids typically have a good handle on what they’d rather do without. Good luck, whatever you decide.