** How**? Putting bars on their window? Locking them in their room? They still have to go to school, and that’s illegal anyway. You cannot force another human being to do your bidding. If a child doesn’t respond to the loss of privileges, increasingly-stringent demands, or guilt trips, you are pretty much fucked. It is practically physically impossible (and wholly impractical, as well as ethically impermissible) to keep a child sealed away from the influence of the outside world.
And if he was still this way at 22, I could understand, but he’s sixteen! And most likely going to be a hellcat little shit in his own way, for a couple of years. He’s still so young and comes from such a difficult past. He’s going to have a rough ride, and likely spend some years acting out trying desperately to win his fathers affection. You can’t really stop him from banging his head against that wall, but he will mature more, and begin to see more clearly.
How is it hard to see he’s mirroring the bad Dad’s behaviour, because he’s spent a lifetime longing for more from him. Part of him needs to enrage and annoy step Dad because accepting that affection and role modelling, still represents a betrayal of his bio Dad, in some kind of mixed up teenaged thinking.
He’s going to have a few difficult years, to be sure. But step Dad needs to stand firm, and have faith that he’ll shake it off when he’s had his fill. Just love him anyway, and remind him at every turn HE gets to choose the life he wants. You can’t walk his path for him, and it’s awful to watch. Just don’t lose faith that he can and will get through this phase of his development.
I don’t see any reason this kid she be seen as a loser, he’s doing something millions of teenagers do, have a little faith he can navigate he way out the other side.
My friend did NOT graduate from high school. He dropped out and later took the GED, which any dropout could also take, and which is a very easy test, passable by a bright seventh-grader. Also, one does not flunk out of public high school at this kid’s age. If he flunks classes he does not get credit for them and may have to retake them to graduate. Taking four and a half or five years to graduate is not the end of the world, and if he does not pass the classes he needs, he should be encouraged to retake them, go to summer school, etc. not told he’s flushed his life down the toilet and irreparably screwed himself.
It makes no difference that few people take the path my friend did. The point is that if not graduating from high school does not even prevent you from getting the highest degree possible from arguably the best school in the US, it does not prevent you from achieving most other goals either.
There’s a big difference between the parental viewpoint–if he drops out, he will probably not do anything about it because most people don’t–and his own. The parental fear is well-founded and backed up by statistics, but the kid is the architect of his own future. The belief that he can’t do anything to keep his life from being garbage is what will defeat him, not some made-up “fact” that he won’t even be able to get a factory job or enjoy any type of success whatsoever in these harsh modern times.
My parents always claimed if I did not get straight A report cards, I’d be stuck digging ditches. Sometimes I do pick up a shovel to transplant a hibiscus or something at my beach house, but I’ve never had to actually rely on this skill to eat.
I have to say I have been enjoying reading all your advice, but I feel more confused than ever. They said on the parenting blogs I mistakenly ventured on that “if you want ten opinions on a parenting problem, ask five parents.” I suppose during the days to come I will try to make sense of conflicting advice, and figure out what to do.
What I am starting to understand more, is how deeply I do need help myself. I think you kind of fall into mental illness slowly. Whoa, I can’t sleep at night because I have nightmares about my bullying boss. Whoa, I can’t handle even small arguments at home. Whoa, the doctor just prescribed 900 mg of lithium and 4 mg of Klonopin. Whoa, the doctor is advising an indefinite absence from work. Because all this time you’re waking up in the morning, getting dressed and driving to work like everybody else, and nobody seems to think anything’s wrong with you (a consultant we had in here about a different incident of office stupidity noted that of her interviewees I was “the most well-adjusted person in the office” in the opinion of my office mates, which troubles me greatly about their own health). And you cook dinner for your family, do the laundry and go for long walks on the local paths, and you think, well, maybe I really am stable.
Then you go into depressive episodes where you sleep for 14 hours a day (the basement is good for this, nobody checks on you there) and think about the falling heights from your town’s bridges and realize, whoops, maybe I am pretty messed up. But I was hiding it so well, you think. It was only two weeks ago that my wife suddenly broke down crying because she said she realized how bad off I really was. Having to take enough Klonopin to sedate an elephant wasn’t a tipoff? But you are all right I think…perhaps my stepson does see I’m sick. He probably sees bits and pieces, even though he rarely leaves his room long enough to do so.
My counselor said of me and my stepson that I needed to think of being on an airplane. Put on your oxygen mask before you help him with his. The trouble is I don’t see my oxygen mask coming down, and his is there, but the kid won’t let me put it on him. From time to time my counselor and doctor say I am looking better. “Thank you,” I say, “but the massive amounts of lithium and sedatives I am on deserve all the credit.” I do not yet have the building blocks of a stable home life, friends, hobbies, a sane work environment, and self-esteem that would allow me to remove the pharmaceutical props yet. I have looked for them, I certainly have. My counselor once told me that she wasn’t working with anyone who had been smacked down so often yet kept trying to get better as opposed to just maintaining. But I don’t feel like I’m improving on any grounds yet.
I can’t ask you all how to get better. But I’m realizing that maybe trying to do so is the most–if not all–I can do for my stepson at the time being.
I hope this realisation helps somewhat. I’m struggling with my own issues at the moment, and they seem a lot less serious that yours, and I can’t imagine how hard it must be to try to deal with a kid whilst going through this.
One thing I’d ask you to remember, though. It might take a while to sort your issues out, even years. But, if you still have a relationship with your stepson after that, you will be able to help him then. He will still be a young man, he will still be intelligent and capable, and even if he fucks the next few years up, with your help he will be able to sort it out. It may be the case that the only two options now are for him to fuck up and have your support when he wants to fix it, or to fuck up and not have that support for whatever reason.
I might also suggest that, if you want to discuss your own issues here, a thread not in the pit might be a better idea
Sounds like you have a lot on your plate Cognoscant.
As to what’s going on with your son is anyone’s guess. One thing you mentioned though stuck with me is when he mentioned to you that losing his bio dad is the hardest thing he had to deal with. Just a guess here, but what he may be going through is a lot of anger and angst that his original family didn’t work out like it was suppose to, and the fact that the both of you and especially yourself are giving him a good supportive home could be the factor causing all of the rebellion here. So his actions and anger are misplaced. Or, it could be he just wants to do drugs.
I had a step father who I was a little shit to for a long time. Later on in life I realized that I did that because I was pissed at my mom, and bio dad for not being able to do what this guy a stranger in my eyes was able to do. Give me a loving, supporting home. And I hated him for it for awhile for exposing my bio parents as people that couldn’t keep a family together. But he was a very patient man, never gave up on me and eventually won me over. Admittedly drugs wasn’t an issue in my scenario. That would be a whole other kettle of fish to deal with. When I think of what the best time in my child hood was, it was when my step father was around.
I occasionally partake in the herb. When it comes to marijuana however I believe the adage of: *Marijuana is people that have found their way in life, it is not for those who are looking for it. *rings very true. So I believe your correct that he’s making a big mistake by being a habitual user of it , especially at that age. But if he’s hell bent on consuming drugs there is nothing you can do about it. You do have the right to not have it your house however.
I thought if I was in your situation what I would do. Since you’ve already had the talk about why him smoking pot at that age is a very bad idea I’d skip that part, kids at that age think they know everything. I would just tell him that you can’t keep him locked up and what ever he’s going to do outside of the house he’s going to do anyways regardless of what you say. But tell him you have zero tolerance for illegal drugs in the house, and if it’s found the police will be called.
Then I would say when he turns 18 either he better be in school or he has to start paying rent. So he has to get a job. If he can’t pay rent he’s out of the house. I moved out at 18 and it didn’t take me long to realize paying rent motivated me extremely quickly to acquire more education to get a better paying job. Then if it’s possible add: once a week you want to spend time with him, just you and him. Go to a movie, play chess, batting cages whatever it is. This time should be stress free for both of you, so what ever is going on. Let it go and just spend time together if possible. He may not want anything to do with this at first but never let up. Hopefully he’ll come around and might start opening up. Also if your not doing it already, get in a habit of telling everyone you love them when turning in at night. This was alien to me before my step dad came around, but it’s a habit he’s left my sister, and mother with to this day when ever we talk to each other.
I know this all sounds like a surrender/tough love plan, but seriously what else can you do ? Sounds like you and your wife have tried everything. Besides it sounds like the stress of this and perhaps other issues is starting to affect you as well. So don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Another good reason to give it up. 
You got me.
I’m a dumb ass.
Your friend did get a HS education, a GED is undersetood to be a certificate demonstrating you possess the educational aptitude of someone who had graduated HS. Without it no college in America would have admitted him as an undergrad and his story would be very different. I have heard back in my father’s day (pre-1950s) you could test into a college without finishing high school at all but to my knowledge it has not been that way at any point in many decades.
Correct, you are usually not actually ejected from HS until something like age 19 I believe. But at age 16 you can legally stop going, and many people that start to flunk all of their classes at age 16 stop going as they figure it is time to quit.
You’ve shown yourself to be an idiot in the one or two other thread where I’ve had discussion with you, so I can only assume you are so moronic as to have never seen a teenager fail to finish High School. It’s almost never a matter of being kicked out for failing, it’s a matter of failing all your classes and then quitting because they don’t want to keep trying.
Your friend would not have been able to that without a high school education and a GED serves the purpose of certifying that you have a similar education to that offered at a high school. And it’s certainly extremely important that most people didn’t follow the path of your friend. That means most likely the OP’s stepson will not, and the path for someone with no High School diploma and no GED is extremely poor.
If he doesn’t get a high school education (be it a diploma or a GED), he will almost certainly fail in life. This is true, end of story. If you argue against it again I’ll move you into the basket of “idiots too stupid to bother talking to.”
Yes, that’s a good pointless thing to say.
Also, this isn’t the 60s, the majority of teenagers today finish high school. If a teenager is on a trajectory where that not happening appears to be a serious possibility then it isn’t something that a responsible parent would just shrug their shoulders at.
All true. You need to step way, way back and take in the 20,000 foot view on all this, Your step-son’s marijuana issues are literally a relative flyspeck compared to the importance of getting yourself emotionally stabilized. Put all your issues with him in a mental compartment and put it on the shelf until you get better. You have zero (real) power re what he does outside the house, tell him the rules while he is in the house (no drugs and no smoking period) and leave it at that.
Forcing a showdown with him while you are handling your own issues will probably make everything implode. His issues are super annoying but not critical to anyone’s immediate or long term survival. A battle with him is not where you need to be focusing your energies right now. You need to be focused on YOU.
I do agree with this, OP’s step son probably needs some strong parenting right now, but the OP if he’s having serious mental health issues cannot provide that. Further, with him just being the step father (and I’m assuming not a legal guardian at all), the mother being totally unwilling to work in concert with him in terms of parenting the child means any efforts of his in re the step child are probably not going to be effect as the mother will just undermine/overrule everything. OP needs to get himself healthy first and foremost, and then see if he can get his relationship with his wife healthy because without that you can’t parent as a united front. If you can’t get the relationship with the wife healthy (and it sounds like this isn’t a run of the mill annoyance with a wife) that relationship might need to end as well at which point OP may not even really be the step father any longer.
[And I’m 100% against the ordinary SDMB practice of just saying “leave em” anytime there’s a minor relationship dysfunction but this sounds like a lot of dysfunction across the board in this situation.]
I didn’t advocate any shoulder-shrugging. All I’m saying is that failing to graduate from high school does not automatically lead to failing at life, and that to claim otherwise is not useful, helpful, or motivating.
The kid is depressed. His father is crap and dumped him. His stepfather is fed up, suicidal, sleeps 14 hours at a time and thinks no one notices, and threatens to call the cops on him or dump him. His mother is inconsistent and wishes he’d leave and take his problems with him. He’s failing at school and everything he likes has been taken away. Marijuana is his escape from this miserable existence.
I guess if the goal is to drive the kid to suicide to get him out of everyone’s way, by all means, tell him that if he can’t manage to graduate from high school his chances of a decent life are gone for good.
Maybe he should take the GED now and go live in a dorm of a nearby college with open enrollment. He’ll be out of everyone’s hair and his parents can quit worrying about him having drugs in the house and getting them in trouble.
And I wasn’t even born in the sixties, so whatever it was like then is not coloring my world view.
I haven’t posted much here so I will now.
I think the running away incident kind of woke us all up to the fact that some major changes were needed. My stepson has started a small change in that he’s going to bed a lot earlier–9 or 9:30 on the days he needs to get up at 6 for school. (Yes, we’re in one of those school districts where academic performance takes a backseat to the small number of kids who have outdoor sports.) It has helped his mood and he is getting more homework done. Being less tired has helped him greatly. He’s acting differently; still combative over small things, but he does have more energy.
I realize, with a lot of the vitriol thrown at me over the course of the thread, that I need to fix my life greatly. It’s going to have to either be the home or the job. I’m looking for another job, but the field I work in is small, and thus far the closest viable job I’ve found is about 200 miles away. Even my counselor, who knows what’s going on, is encouraging me to go. I don’t want to go. But maybe this thread is making me realize I am a bad thing for my stepson (and, for all I know, for my wife too). But then perhaps this thread is a bad thing for me.
So I’m trying my best at home. I realize I’m a lousy parent made lousier by my illness, but I am doing the best I can. I really am beginning to understand what Philip Larkin meant about parents and children.
I echo what’s been said about potential mental illness. I smoked pot very heavily as a teenager and it was definitely to self medicate my depression. It never affected my grades and graduated from college and grad school (smoked through parts of both, tbh… and have an aunt who smoked every day of law school at a top school and went on to be DA, smoking the whole time), but I think that’s because I’m intensely perfectionistic and pot barely dulls that. I honestly never experienced any negative consequences, but I was absolutely smoking the amount I was because I felt like total shit.
Now I’m on meds that work for me (legal and with fewer side effects than pot), I don’t have a desire to smoke regularly. I still smoke very occasionally in social situations, but I don’t buy pot or ever really think about. I also found it easier to quit smoking cigarettes on the right psych meds. I should definitely add that I take meds in tandem with talk therapy.
Luckily, my parents understood that my constant pot smoking (and cigarette smoking and binge drinking and experimentation with drugs) was a result of feeling like shit, because prior to any of this I had an eating disorder and mood problems, and I had various self-destructive behaviors during my drug phase as well.
I really think that you’re best off trying to come at this from a place of love and support. You seem really angry and resentful towards this kid. If he’s a sociopath who is really harming his sister or other kids or animals etc. and doesn’t show remorse then, yeah, you should probably call the cops on him. If he is (and I bet he is) capable of empathy and regret and not engaging in a bunch of criminal behavior, he’s probably either feeling like shit due to mental health problems OR feeling like shit due to normal teenage angst and hormonal changes.
You can tell him not to smoke pot and he probably won’t listen to him. You can stop giving him money if you do give him money, and that’s fair. You can also try really hard to create family time that he’ll enjoy and try to spend time with him and talk to him about whatever’s on his mind. Mandatory family pizza/game night once a week is much more likely to work than “no pot ever, son.” Then you talk to him and better evaluate if he’s potentially ill.
Really, make sure he feels loved by you and not resented because the latter will make him resentful and that won’t help anyone here.
In the OP, he says that his stepson’s biodad thinks his drug addiction is cool, and then says that they have had little or no contact for many years. How would he know about that if this is the case?
BTW, living with a person who has bipolar disorder can be an absolute nightmare. Maybe the boy is acting out? (grabs flameproof suit)
No need to suit up, the statement on its face is true enough. It’s worst, however, when the disorder remains undiagnosed.
Cog, have you told your stepson what you told us in the OP? NOT all the “you have so much potential” stuff (as a doper said upthread, this can be very oppressive), but the basic gist of it. Which is that you love him, want the best for him, and are worried about the effect abuse of pot is having on him?
And are you sure he’s only smoking pot?
At any rate, my daughter went through a bunch of rebellious stuff when she was 16, I went through trying to control, bribe, force her to ‘behave’ stuff as well. What really helped (but didn’t solve everything of course) was that I read something to the effect of “kids think that parents have rules because we want to control them and keep them from having fun, when what we really want is just for them to be safe and happy”. When I shared that with her, (it was true, for sure), it really helped. She didn’t stop all of her behaviour, but from that point, until now (and she’s 33), she makes sure we know she’s safe.
With that in mind, I tend to agree with some of the dopers upthread who’ve stated that they think it would help more if you backed off a bit, rather than try to tighten the noose. And if you’d share more about your feelings with your stepson (that you want him safe) than that you worry about his ambition and so on.
It sounds as if you’re having an awful struggle right now, like everyone else here, I really feel for you, and hope that you get some relief and help with this. {{hugs}}