Okay, first of all, the interpretation of “You’re not attractive enough”, was yours, not hers. She didn’t say that. And while she may have phrased it badly, I don’t think she meant that.
Would you have felt better if she had said, “You’re not my type”? Because that’s really what she did say. And “You’re not the type I prefer” does definitely not equal “You’re not attractive”.
Thanks, but no thanks still is the best, but I’m sure some people still push for reasons. Maybe she was just going by past experience and trying to let you down gently.
I’ll grant that different people might perceive differences in this nuance. Nevertheless, I don’t think many person would interpret it to mean “I have no physical attraction toward you, but that has absolutely nothing to do with your physical attractiveness. No connection whatsoever.”
Like it or not, I think that most people would agree that there’s an obvious or probable correlation. At the very least, the other person is likely to interpret this as a comment on one’s physical appearance… which it is.
**Absolutely not. ** Saying “You’re not my type” could refer to any number of things – age, hobbies, race, hair color, religion or whatnot. “You’re not my type” is by no means equivalent to “I feel no physical attraction toward you.”
And if I had pushed for reasons, that would be a valid objection. I had not, though.
Come on. What kind of woman says (even to herself), “I need to let this guy down. He may or may not ask me why… but just in case he does, I’ll beat him to the punch and explain that it’s because I don’t feel any physical attraction toward him.”
For some reason, a lot of people don’t believe that saying “I’m not interested” is enough. They feel compelled to give some sort of reason. I have no idea why that is. She probably didn’t phrase it well, and I hate the “but it’s just being honest” excuse.
However, I’ve got to agree with those who say “I’m not attracted to you” does not mean “you’re not attractive.” There are many objectively attractive people that, for some reason, just don’t trip my trigger. It could be for any number of reasons: they look like an ex, their style doesn’t work for me (e.g bohemian, preppy, cowboy, whatever–we all have preferences), etc. Heck, I was once set up on a blind date with a guy who looked incredibly like my brother. He was a fun guy and very attractive (I have a cute brother), but man oh man I was hoping he wouldn’t make any moves on me. He just looked so damned much like my brother!
I always make a point of saying “I don’t like X” instead of “X is (ugly/bad/whatever)” because, well, in the case at hand for example I know that the kind of guys I find physically attractive don’t match the “official” notion of what’s attractive. Still, I also look for clues to tell me whether the people I’m adressing understand that yes, I am making a distinction. That distinction is very important.
I like short guys or huge (but only in two dimensions) guys, with dark hair (bald is ok, but blond is meh, probably because Dad and his bros were all blond). Not what you usually find in women’s mags.
I dunno about tact and diplomacy but having been hounded across the internet for several months by a fella who wouldn’t take “sorry, not interested” for an answer, I can see why she said she wasn’t physically attracted to you.
It’s no fun having to wade through dozens of emails and IM offline messages from someone who’s practically demanding that you get involved in a relationship with them based on the premise that they find you attractive.
Also there are the fellas who treat the internet as an electronic brothel and assume every woman online is “up for it” with anyone who contacts them…
So if a guy merely tries to strike up a conversation, it’s okay to comment on a guy’s physical appearance simply because he might request an explanation and might practically demand that you get into a relationship?
Great googly moogly. There are times when a pre-emptive strike is required. This isn’t one of them.
JThunder, fwiw, I think she was being a bitch. “I’m not interested” or “Thanks but no thanks” would have sufficed. Had you asked her for clarification, then it would have been appropriate for her to say why. As it was, she was being a bitch.
I disagree. There are lots of types of male beauty, and only a small subset of those are types I find physically attractive. I think that, for many of us, physical attraction isn’t necessarily all that strongly or clearly linked to visual beauty. I can think of many men who I acknowledge are good-looking–which is often described as “attractive,” in some general sense–but who I don’t find physically attractive in the least (Tom Cruise comes to mind, here.)
Women can have very different tastes, and what one woman finds highly attractive another might find completely off-putting. We women are usually pretty aware of this. I know that, when I’ve met a guy who seems nice, funny, smart, interesting, and generally presentable, but with whom there just doesn’t seem to be much of a spark, that that has to do with me and whatever I find attractive in men much more than it does with him–with who he is, or with what he says or does.
No one can choose whether or not to be attracted to someone. Nor can anyone choose what it is that they’re attracted to. Who we find attractive is pretty idiosyncratic, and very little of it makes any sense. I can’t really say I fully understand what gets me going (or doesn’t get me going) about a particular guy. It’s not something that either the man or the woman has a lot of–if any, really–control over.
JThunder, my guess would be that the woman who told you that she wasn’t attracted to you meant it as a way to cushion the blow. She’s saying that it’s not something essential to who you are, or something you said or did, that was a dealbreaker for her. It’s just that, for reasons she herself probably doesn’t fully understand, you’re not a match for her. She’s not saying that you’re not attractive at all, or that you wouldn’t make a great SO. For all you know, she thinks you’re wonderful and would make a great boyfriend. Maybe she’s kicking herself, wondering why on Earth she just doesn’t feel a spark for you!
I was thinking the same thing. I consider myself to be a good catch, but maybe one in every ten women I write responds. I’d prefer knowing why, even if the answer is something that might make me uncomfortable, over being ignored.
IMHO, there does seem to be a double standard regarding attraction; it seems more acceptable for women to turn down shorter men than it is for a man to turn down an overweight woman. It’s “Darwin in action” and “women have the desire to feel protected and secure” versus “men are superficial”, “men only want to date Barbies” and “men ignore what’s on the inside”, with the “Marilyn Monroe was a size 16” myth thrown in for good measure. I made the mistake of telling a couple of women who contacted me online that I wasn’t physically attracted to heavier women, and got flamed back as a result. I suspect if a short man responded in the same way, people would be calling the result of a Napoleon complex.
Fair enough. Like I said, I think there’s reasonable room for disagreement on these nuances. It depends on what one means by “physical attraction,” among other things.
In that case though, I think it’s a question of attractiveness in general, which is different from physical attractiveness… but once again, YMMV.
Well, if that was the intent, then I think she picked a poor way to do so. There is little that one can do about one’s physical appearance, after all, so to pinpoint this as the reason for rejecting someone… well, it’s just a lousy idea.
I rather doubt that, especially since she’s said nothing to that effect. It doesn’t matter though, as I wasn’t exactly devastated by her rejection. If not for the fact that she offered a bitchy response, I would have probably forgotten about her by now.
I think the feeling is that, for an ugly man, there are options. If he amases enough money or power or fame (or maybe even enough charm) he’ll have no trouble finding a bed partner. Women are just as superficial as men, but they’re superficial about a variety of things, giving men more options. Men are superficial about the hotness of a womans body and not much else. This makes some women VERY defensive, because they feel they have no other avenue to attain the man they want.
There is a market out there for short men-- many short girls like myself do not want to sign up for a lifetime of kricked necks, big heels, and being unable to reach the oatmeal whenever he puts the groceries away. Likewise, there’s a market for chubby women. I’ve never been thin, but I’ve never had trouble finding guys at all. What I am not, however, is obese.
We’ve turned this topic into a minefield. I hate that you can only have politically correct preferences-- if you can have preferences at all. I’m very specific about what I like. Among other things, I seriously do not want to date you if you are taller than 5’9". If my preferences were the other way, that would make me shallow in the eyes of some people. My best male friend can proclaim that he wants knockers and “chunkage in the trunkage” (his words, I claim no responsibility for that) and he gets cheered for that by our female friends. If he prefered slender women, he’d get crucified. It’s only okay for you to want something in a mate if you want the right things.
I don’t think I could handle online dating. Yeah-I get the fine distinction between attraction and attractive, but I’d still hear it as UN-attractive. The frail self esteem doesn’t split hairs well when on the skewer of dating. (well, you know what I mean!).
Good luck to you-forget her. Better fish in the sea and all that.
I think that’s a common and entirely reasonable response, even if it’s not strictly accurate.
After all, if the other person declares that there’s no physical attraction, I think most of us would think, “I wish I were better looking. Maybe then things would be different.”
She managed to strike you down while making herself feel good about herself in the process. (I am too good for him!)
She wasn’t being honest, she was being selfish and mean stroking her own ego at your expense.
She did you a huge favor.
“Well, what’s your favorite restaurant, you have to be interested in that - you name the day!”
“No, what I mean is that I’m not that interested in YOU. You seem like nice guy and all but you aren’t my type.”
“You don’t know if I’m your type or not, what’s your type?”
Sometimes this exchange drags out over weeks or months before you have to say “fuck off” (and I’ve actually said “fuck off”). And then he ends up saying “girls don’t like nice guys.”
She was being efficient and saving you weeks of thinking that you just hadn’t pursued in the right fashion. Nothing can be done for “no chemistry.” And, btw, it isn’t necessarily looks - I’ve turned down some good looking guys and dated some that weren’t terribly attractive.
I dunno. “I’m not interested” seems to me to be a codified response. Like, “how are you?” is not a request for your true feelings that day.
It’s more impersonal. The attraction thing–that seems a bit closer to home to me.
(and of course, when I was turned down with the not interested bit, I DID take it as I am boring, ugly, have bad teeth and might as well work at Kmart, but that’s just me).