A couple of weeks ago, I contacted this one woman on an Internet dating site. Her response? “Sorry. I do think we have a lot in common, but I don’t feel any physical attraction.”
Okay, so she doesn’t think I’m attractive. I’m not offended; after all, everyone has different tastes. Still, I can’t help but ask myself, “Was it really necessary to say that?” After all, I’d think that a simple “Thanks, but no thanks” would suffice.
I raised this issue on one of the site’s discussion boards. All the guys said, “Yeah, I don’t think that was necessary,” as did several of the women. However, a few women interjected, saying, “What’s your problem? She was being honest with you. Would you rather that she lied and pretended to be attracted to you?”
That’s stupid. Obviously a “Sorry, not interested” will suffice – neither honesty nor courtesy require that she specify any of her reasons for not being interested.
Keep in mind, “I don’t feel any attraction to you” and “I don’t think you’re attractive” are not the same thing. There are lots of people out there that I feel zero physical attraction towards (including all males, since I’m heterosexual), but whom I might think are attractive people in an objective sense; they’re just not my “type.”
I agree, “Sorry, not interested” should suffice in most situations.
Unless you insisted that she give you a reason (and I don’t get the impression you did) there was no reason for her to elaborate. She was just being pissy, in my opinion.
Maybe she thought it’d comfort you to know that she’s not rejecting you because of your age, ethnicity, job, religion, personality, writing skills, etc.
I would actually contest that nuance, assuming that the other party was of the right gender. I think that what happens is that there is a physical attraction, but it’s not enough to make us interested… or that it’s outweighed by other factors. IMO, if you think someone is pleasing to the eyes, they you do have a physical attraction, even if that person doesn’t make your heart go pitter-pat.
I’m not offended by this woman’s rejection, but I am a bit offended by the women who insisted on defending her. How in the world can someone think that “She was just being honest” is an adequate excuse? Don’t these people know anything about tact and diplomacy?
What if our genders had been reversed? What if it was a man who said, “Sorry, but you’re not physically attractive enough for me?” or something similar? I suspect that these people would have reacted with a great deal more outrage.
This woman later clarified her statement by saying, “I prefer taller men.” (Translation: “You’re too short, so I don’t feel any attraction.”) Now, I certainly can’t fault a woman for preferring taller men. However, what if a man had said, “I prefer women who are thinner.” How would people react to that?
I wouldn’t have a problem if someone said that to me. In fact, I have had it said to me a couple of times and I did appreciate the honesty. It’s not like she was rude about it. I bet that she used to just say “sorry, not interested” and then got pestered by men who demanded more of an explanation.
By the way, I once had a woman reply to one of my ads who did not have a picture on her profile. She described herself as “heavy” in her email and then added that she hoped that I liked heavy women. I told her that I was sorry but that I am not attracted to heavy women. I didn’t think that that was out of line. Maybe it was.
Actually, she did you a favor. Assume her behavior is the norm and that all other women who turn you down do so despite the fact that they are very, very hot for you.
We could argue about whether it was rude or not (I think it was), but it was certainly insensitive and unnecessary.
That’s quite a bit different. She specifically mentioned her weight and invited your comments. That’s entirely different from offering unsolicited opinions about someone’s attractiveness or lack thereof.
Larry’s point is the most salient one here. It’s a backhanded way to be “honest” that gives you a little stab at the same time. If you were coming across like some clueless hormone case I can see a woman saying it to shut you down, but that doesn’t seem to have been the case.
I don’t know what you look like, but I have talked to some women using Internet dating that are very particular about how their dates look, and will shut men down if they “out of spec.”
It is odd in a way though. It seems from approx. ages 25-30 women using online dating are usually covered up with insincere, smarmy romeos eager to connect. From 40-50 the picture flips around a bit and emotionally mature, financialy stable men in good shape are at a premium.
Crap. I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t have gotten married 6 years ago at age 34.
As for this particular message, I think the woman in question uses this phrasing to totally shoot down any hopes her more clueless suiters might have. Equivalent to: “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last human male on earth. Drop dead. If you contact me again I’m calling the police”.
I find having to write the ‘thanks, but no thanks’ email to be the worst part of internet dating. No matter what I say I always feel like a shithead. Unless they were blatantly insulting, I’d be willing to cut someone some slack if their response was a little tactless.
Maybe she has some advice to give on how to be Insensitive…?
(Still, aren’t you a bit glad you know now instead of 4 concerts and 6 restaurants from now, after enduring her checking out the package on every tall guy who passed your seats on every date?)
