Mother Maven called me last week and announced that she was being evicted from her apartment.
This surprised me. As the conversation progressed, I learned that her apartment building had a change in ownership and the new landlords were raising the rent. Mother Maven refused to pay the new rate. The new owners posted an eviction notice on her apartment door.
I have a large practical streak. If my rent were raised to an unacceptable level, I would give my 30 days notice and look for a cheaper place. Getting the money for a deposit would be a pain, but I have been fortunate enough to find places that were willing to work with me. (Getting the deposit to them in installments, etc.)
Mother Maven had enough money for a deposit on another apartment, but decide to spend that money on a lawyer. She wants to fight the eviction.
Sigh. She says that the neighborhood is poor and crime ridden. (I’ll give her that!) The new landlords are foolish to think they can charge a lot for rent.
What the hell does this have to do with me? Mother Maven is calling me everyday with updates on what’s going on. She seems to be enjoying the fight.
I am concerned that Mother Maven may get turned out on her ear. From our conversations, I feel like she may be expecting me to invite her to our place if things go poorly for her. Is there a good way to tell someone that they can’t live with you?
“Mother_Maven, have you made plans should you lose your case?”
“Yes, Mouse_Maven, I’ll move in with you.”
“No way in fucking hell is that ever happening. Let’s explore your other options.”
“Why? Because its my house and I don’t want you staying in it.”
I already made up my mind that no parents or other close relatives would ever live with us for more than a week. They all have enough money and if they should run out, I can’t subsidize poor planning. I know that such a thing would just my life miserable and, if they are in a situation where they have to bum housing, it would take away resources from my children and household.
I have this commandment that I feel strongly about. You can share it with her if you want.
“Wealth and resources should flow down through generations and can should never reverse course.”
That just means that parents usually have an obligation to provide money and resources to their children but the reverse isn’t true. Obsolete generations shouldn’t jeopardize the health and well-being of the ones after it. Nature doesn’t like that type of thing.
If there aren’t any ice-flows around, you could suggest a dingy or maybe just some driftwood.
That’s a very…I don’t know, middle-class suburban American maybe?..view. Growing up, both my parent’s families had extended family arrangements, despite coming from extraordinarily diverse backgrounds The commonality being both families was that both were working poor - grandparents on both sides busted their asses to make a better life for their children, mortgaging their own futures for the sake of their childrens’ futures. And when the time came, the children appreciated and respected the parents’ sacrifices and cared for the parents. Not only that, but my aunts and uncles seemed to all marry into families from the same background with the same ethics.
The difference here is that the mother would be directly causing a situation (and I recall other threads with Mouse_Maven about her mother) that she needn’t cause. She needs to plan ahead for a contingency. She has the opportunity to do so. Support family as long as they are willing to support themselves. If my father goes drunk driving, hits someone, and can’t afford the legal bills, I wash my hands of him. If my father gets hit by an uninsured drunk driver and can’t afford the non-covered medical bills, I’ll be first in line to do whatever it takes to cover him.
Shagnasty and D_Odds, I’ll probably use a comdination of your suggestions. Let Mother_Maven know that she can’t count on me for emergency housing and encourage her to develope a back-up plan.
Everyone has different ways of dealing with familial issues. I’m trying really hard to adopt a policy of reciprocity. Mother_Maven left me and Mouse_Bro with our alcoholic, abusive father when we were young to pursue her desire to be a Methodist minister (this is worthy of its own thread). She only contacts me when she needs or wants something. Therefore, she deserves very little assistance from me. The hard part is implementing this.
After reading another thread about your female parental unit, I’d suggest using some of that attitude on her - “Sorry Ma, you know I’m not as bright as my brother so why don’t you go live with him?”
(I am looking forward to meeting you at the Dopefest.)
Mouse_Bro lives in another city. Luck rodent. Also, his housing and employment situation is always percarious. I seemed to have dodged the “red-neck/white trash” bullet in the family.
You could get REALLY over the top like my boy and I did with his best friend.
Best friend is a nice guy, really, he is. He’s just got a bit of a gambling problem. And I told the Tashaboy that there was no way in hell that said friend could continue living with us if he wasn’t going to get his shit together, because giving him a couch to crash on enabled him to not have to try to save money to get his own place.
We gave him two weeks, and called the cops to get him out. He’s still friends with us, and understands why we did it, he was just really hurt at the time.
But yeah, MOST people don’t take it that well, so I don’t suggest going that route.
I think your thread title is perfectly adequate - Sorry, I can’t take you in. Period, end of story. And say it the next time she calls.
If it would make you feel better to do something more, then look into shelters and give her the information. That’s what I did when we kicked our MIL out of our apartment (I started to write a brief description of my saga with her, and even the short version was too long).
Suffice to say, don’t give in to even a brief stay - it’s really tough to get rid of people once they latch on to you. People who want to help themselves will. “Rescuing” is a bad idea. Letting a poisonous presence into your home is an even worse one.
If you’re concerned she’s not making plans should she lose her case, then you need to gently guide her.
Otherwise, don’t make it easy for her. She may be hinting strongly and expecting you to offer. Don’t offer. Make her ask. Then you can jump in with, “Sorry, mom, that won’t work for me. I can help you find another apartment.”
I talked to Mother Maven today. I was all geared up to let her know that she could not count on me as a housing back up. I’m ready. I won’t let her guilt me into doing anything I don’t want to. I’m tough. I’m tough.
“Hi honey! I found a great little place near work. They’re renovating it right now, but I’ll be moving there at the end of October.”
:smack: