Sort-of-serious post about my self-image as it relates to my toys (a bit long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been an avid reader (lurker) of the SDMB for several months now, even though for some reason I never bothered to sign up until this summer.

In that time, I’ve come to find that many, many Dopers give really terrific advice and counsel to others. This is a good thing.

Here’s my situation. This spring I broke my leg while riding (well, OK, actually crashing) my motorcycle. It happens. I’ve had a couple of surgeries to install and then replace screws in my ankle and I’ve been in and out of a cast for about 12 weeks now. I’m getting really good at crutches.

It’s my left leg that’s injured, so I can’t drive my regular vehicle (a Jeep with a 5 speed - can’t operate the clutch) and I can’t ride the bike - mostly because of the broken leg, but partly because it’s my shifter leg that’s injured, so I can’t operate that vehicle. I can’t pedal a bicycle either, so I can’t even enjoy that simple diversion.

All summer long, I’ve been driving borrowed or rented cars with automatic transmissions. I have my groceries delivered (thank you Safeway.com) and I have friends who are helping out with yard work, cleaning and such. I hate all of this - I can hardly do anything for myself right now.

So, maybe it’s just the frustration of having an entire summer go away while I’m laid up, but I feel plain rotten a lot of the time - in what way, you ask? That’s what’s got me baffled - I don’t feel bad about the broken leg, it’ll heal. I feel rotten about not being able to play with my toys (my bike, my Jeep, my bicycles, etc.)

I don’t consider myself a materialistic person and I always put this thing in perspective - my leg is still ATTACHED. My spine is intact. My head is intact. Broken bones heal and my injuries are heling very well now that everything’s held together properly.

So even with all that, I still find myself getting angry when I see other motorcyclists on the road - angry in that it’s NOT ME riding with them. I get frequently pissed off that I can’t go out on the weekends and play in the dirt. And in some weird way, it comes back to an identification that I make between myself and my possesions. It’s as if it’s not enough that I didn’t die in May when I crashed.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that my injuries ARE minor (relatively speaking) and that I’m just overly frustrated about missing the summer. But the thing that keeps nagging at me is this silly feeling that “I love my bike and I can’t ride it!”

Anyway, all of this has me feeling very weird and unsettled. I feel alternately angry and ashamed. Angry because I’m missing out on the fun - ashamed for feeling angry for missing out on the fun.

Thoughts? Therapy? Recommendations for a great bottle of scotch?

2

I think it’s good to talk about your problem or uneasiness or whatever you want to call it. SDMB is a good, safe place to do such things. I’m no mental health professional, but I think the anger is most likely normal. The ashamed part indicates to me that you’re a sensitive person, which is not a bad thing. Now I could get angry that you’re not my brother – the one who was killed by a stupid car driver while my brother was safely operating his motorcycle. I could get angry because I would love to be sending him email right now, instead of writing to you. But I’m not getting angry. It took a while to get to this point, especially when I see lots of motorcyclists cruising the highways. If I did get angry at you, I don’t know if I’d be ashamed. Maybe because I don’t really know you. I hope you feel better, and that you get on the road again soon.

P.S. Scotch: Glenlivet :slight_smile:

3

Gosh, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to feel mighty ticked off that you can’t go out and have fun with your vehicles. I don’t think there’s any need to beat yourself up about it at all. It doesn’t mean that you’re an excessively materialistic asshole, it means you like to have fun and do your hobbies. It’s natural for human beings to want to have fun. It’s natural for human beings to feel frustrated and annoyed when opportunities for having fun are thwarted.

4

I think your reaction is perfectly natural. You buy yourself fun things to occupy your time with, now you can’t enjoy them. I don’t know what the riding season is like in Oregon, but here in NY it’s only a few months long. When my husband had an accident a few years ago, he was also alternately grateful for not being dead/paralyzed and pissed for missing the whole riding season recovering.

Don’t be so hard on yourself- it’s one of those “this freaking sucks” situations, but it will remedy itself when you’re healed up. It’s OK to be angry that others are having fun when you’re not.

For what it’s worth, my husband spent the whole summer picking out the new Harley he was planning on buying after he got his insurance settlement. That was a nice diversion. He also did a bit of “back of the bike/bitch” riding, which helped.

Sometimes, when he got really desparate, I took him for rides in the car like a dog and he stuck his head out the window to pretend he was riding. This was accompanied by "VROOM! VROOM! sounds and clutching/braking motions. It was a looooong summer.

Get better soon :slight_smile:

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I’m feeling your pain. I had to have surgery this summer on both my feet. I injured myself playing sports in high school, and it just got to the point now when it HAD to be taken care of. My parents built their in-ground pool, and I had to watch everyone swim. I wasn’t even allowed to go outside for two months cause they didn’t want me to get my soft casts wet. I had to walk using crutches from day 1, but that was only for bathroom trips - otherwise I was stuck in bed. I’m an active person and I hated not doing anything - and what’s worse, my parents just moved about 24 hours away from all my friends back home, and all my friends in college are still there without me.

But, even though I’m not completely healed (still in a bit of pain), I can do basically anything I want to now. It got quite a bit better. The hardest part for me was always having people doing stuff for me. I like taking care of people - but I don’t like being taken care of. I just felt utterly helpless! I hope things work out for you!

6

Thanks folks. I appreciate the words. I guess I knew that a lot of this was basically normal. But I’m a fairly active person and it just frustrates the bejeezus out of me that I’m dependent on grocery deliveries, someone else watering my plants and on and on.

It was difficult to put into coherent thought in the OP, and I’m not sure I can do any better this afternoon, but it’s not just that I’m feeling whiney and stuff about being laid up. In some odd way, I feel almost like less of a person because I think I’ve tended to identify myself too much as a “biker” or a “cyclist” and so forth. It’s almost as if I’ve had part of my identity taken away this summer - like I’m missing part of my “cool” or my “mojo” or whatever.

See, I’m still not putting it well. Anyone else ever have this feeling that somehow your identity is tied to what you own, what you do, what you drive and such?? That’s what gets me back to the “I’m really not materialistic - honest…” notions.

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I think it’s more about what you do than it is about what you own.

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I’d say to get some racing games for your PC/PS2/Dreamcast/etc.

At least you can PRETEND to be driving either a manual transmission vehicle or riding your motorcycle.

The beauty is that, in most of the games, you have the option of being the driver of several different vehicles.