…On second thought, perhaps someone of your age and length of abstinence should stick with basic spooning. It is, after all, the Geritol of bedtime positions. But, you’ve got to get it right. You need a relationship-coach, so I guess I’m reluctantly volunteering.
By your description it’s obvious you’re spooning all wrong. Where did you get the idea you’re supposed to lay parallel to your partner? That’s not how one spoon’s food and it’s not how one spoon’s people.
Think about eating a bowl of chocolate pudding, for example. If you thrust your spoon parallel to the plane of the pudding surface, you will fail to scoop any pudding. If you don’t plunge your spoon you can’t have any pudding; how can you have any pudding if you don’t plunge your spoon? Jeesh, sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a brickwall.
So, lesson learned: For proper eating, the head of the spoon must be perpendicular (not parallel) to the plane of the food. The same concept applies to spooning your partner. The head on top of your body is analogous to the head of a spoon. [You should be writing this down].
Ok, so your head (typically, your face) needs to be touching your partner and your body needs to be perpendicular to your partner’s body. Got it?
Where along the long axis of your partners body should you position your head (i.e. face)? Let’s go back to the pudding example again. Spooning of pudding will be most productive right in the middle of the bowl. Therefore, your face needs to be positioned at the exact bisection of your partner’s body.
Now you have a choice to make: anterior approach, or posterior approach? The anterior approach is rather enjoyable, but due to anatomical structures, it’s usually too ticklish on your nose. Therefore, always use a posterior approach.
Conclusion: for proper spooning, your face needs to be positioned midline-posteriorly at the bisection. This should put you somewhere in the general area between your partner’s lower back and upper thighs.
How should you position your arms, you ask? Straight out, like a cross, of course. Imagine yourself as an airplane dive-bombing into a dark canyon. Perhaps your partner can even provide some propeller-like sound effects.
Which brings us to the topic of aphrodisiacs. I don’t like to make assumptions, but, by the sounds of things, you’re apparently a pretty old fellow. If that’s the case, you’re probably no hot shakes to look at. So, in order to put your partner in a randy mood, you need the help of a strong aphrodisiac. Kimchi and sauerkraut are excellent aphrodisiacs, so stock up on those and feed copious amounts to your partner just before going to bed—then spoon away. You’re in for a very exciting night!
When you need more relationship coaching, just ask. I got your back.
