Star Wars Joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

INT: CLOUD CITY, BESPIN GANTRY

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick Errol Flynn move by Vader, and Luke’s hand goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft! Luke cries
out, holding his stub arm. He backs away, looks around, but realizes there’s nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Vader: No… I am your father!

Luke: No!!! I’s not true! It’s impossible.

Vader: Search your feelings… you know it to be true…

Luke: (in tears) NOOOOOO!

Vader: Yes, it is true… and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Vader: Yeah, Threepio. I built him-when I was 7 years old.

Luke: No wonder he’s such a pain in the neck!

Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn’t even levitate your own ship out of the swamp…

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Vader: When you were, what, 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation Droid Control ship …with a lucky shot!

Luke: Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar’s Canyon…

Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor! Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a Pod Racer… Right here, baby!

Luke: (looking dejected) But, but, it’s not my fault…

Vader: Oh! Here we go… <whining> “Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday… Boo-Hoo… My daddy’s the Dark Lord of the Sith… Waahhh! Waahhh!”

Luke: (stammering) Shut up! Shut UP!!!

Vader: You’re a slacker! You think I had a Dad there for me? Ha! I was conceived by the mitochondrians and raised by my mother in slavery! But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Vader: I was wrong… You know what - you’re not my kid! You’re not good enough to be my kid!

Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him…

Vader: And get a haircut! <Pfffft!>

What more could you expect from somebody who lets people kick him to the head?

2

Ha ha! Very funny Glitch.

You left out the part about walking 5 miles to school in the snow, without shoes.

Dammit, you know, I think all our pops had the good years: war, nationalism, and a virgin wife.

Me, all I had was Nintendo, and crayons.

There’s always another beer.

3

Oh, man was that a good laugh. Thanks for making a Star Wars junkie’s day.

Shoulda called the kid “Luke Warmwater.” :slight_smile:

–Da Cap’n

4

You know, I was going to post this as a new message, but this seems as good a place as any to post it.

I just saw Star Wars Episode I last night. That’s right, I waited until the last minute.

My opinion? The action and plot were pretty good, although the dialogue seemed wooden, and some of the alien-accented words were hard to figure out.

But here’s the scary part:

I liked Jar Jar.

From reactions I’ve seen, I appear to be alone in this, but I actually laughed at his clumsy antics.

I mean, sure, it was silly slapstick, rather than subtle humor. But almost everyone I’ve seen seems to have developed a deep antipathy for the guy and practically accuses him of ruining the movie.

Am I truly alone in this?

Am I doomed to forever be an outcast from polite Star Wars fan society?

Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@schicktech.com

“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

5

No. (It isn’t safe to say more in public.)

6

I heard a guy named Luke Warmwater play guitar in a bookstore cafe last week.

7

Hey Glitch. Did you happen to get that out of http://www.toshistation.com/urp/? I love that site!

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

8

I got it by e-mail, and the person who sent it to me didn’t mention where they got it.

And, yes, you are allowed to like Jar Jar. I thought he was very funny and I loved Episode I absolutely and completely. My wife thought Jar Jar was the best part of the movie.

I love Jar Jar’s line “Ohh … goober fish” or something like that. It is particularly funny to me because I do that. I will be walking in the mall or somewhere and go “Ohh … new computer game” … or “Ohh … cookies” or well, you get the idea.

9

Apparently, Jar Jar is the devil’s minion.
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0899/jar.html

I got this one from www.toshistation.com too. :slight_smile:

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

10

CMKeller wrote: "I liked Jar Jar.

From reactions I’ve seen, I appear to be alone in this, but I actually laughed at his clumsy antics."

Quietly raising hand in the back row and whispering
Me too! But don’t tell anyone!

11

Not to be too picky (because it might look like I’m actually a fan of that movie), but they were midicholorians, not mitochondrians. The difference being the latter are actually real.

That said, I am now copying that and Emailing it to all my friends. :slight_smile:

“My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” --Ralph Wiggum, hero and icon