A man can dream, can’t he?
I dared to dream this evening. A small dream, minor-league at best. I wanted to arrange the Perfect Pot Of Coffee for Miss Creant to awake to in the morning.
When I moved to Chicago from Denver recently, to live with her in a pre-nuptial state of sin, I made it a point to bring with me my brand-new Black & Decker Versabrew Plus 12 Cup Programmable Coffeemaker with me. This, I did to replace her perfectly serviceable, yet insufficient by my standards, Mr. Coffee 4 Cup Coffeemaker.
See the puny 4 cup carafe! How small! And it’s not programmable, either! How could a man allow her to live in such squalor?
Her coffee maker was still being used as of this morning. Not any longer, I vowed to myself. I would grace her with the Coffee that would change her life! She would exalt me in the highest, realizing that I was only foisting my coffee maker on her because I WANTED THE BEST FOR HER.
I recalled buying a package of Starbuck’s coffee from the store the other day. Sure enough, it sat sealed in the freezer. Attempting to make sure that I added just the right amount of grounds to the filter basket, I sat down to read the package instructions.
We’re off to a good start. The basics. They’re good to work with. They’re nice and basic, for one.
We’re in trouble already, Kemosabe. Maybe it’s not exactly science, but by god, there’s going to be some standards of measure used around my goddamn kitchen.
My first problem : I do not know how many fluid ounces are in a cup. A quick question thrown out in chat nets me the answer: 8 fluid ounces in a cup.
Problem the second: I suck at math. I take the 8 ounces per cup, and multiply it by 12. That’s 96 ounces of water. I write this down on a piece of scratch paper, because I’ll lose track of it, and suddenly, I’d be singing about 96 luft balloons or something, instead of making coffee.
96 divided by 6 equals 16. In this 12 cup coffee carafe, there will eventually be 16 6 ounce servings of coffee. There’s too many numbers already. I feel like Rlphie in the cartoon where the math problems on the chalkboard come to life and start attacking him.
If there’s supposed to be 2 tablespoons of grounds per 6 ounces of fresh, pure water, we’re talking 32 tablespoons of grounds.
Not being one to like to stand around and count, I take the intellectually higher road, and convert tablespoons into cups. TWO CUPS of grounds. The package is asking for TWO CUPS OF GROUNDS to be placed in the filter basket assembly.
I’ve never been good with spatial awareness. Ask me to pack a trailer, and it’ll be filled half-high, with boxes shoved in wherever they’ll fit. I just can’t picture volume. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I always had locker-room shyness, but that is a different story for a different day.
In spite of my shortcomings, I suspect that making two cups of grounds fit into the filter basket assembly might be a bit on the difficult side.
Later, I was to find out that it was also on the “impossible” and “messy” sides as well.
After cleaning up the mess I made, I put 1/2 cup of grounds in the filter basket. If it’s not strong enough, she can make her own damn coffee. I don’t even drink the stuff.