Statements that are always lies

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Something came up in this thread: Statements that are always lies. Examples from that thread:

“Don’t worry, I’m not really crazy.”
“I’m not a racist.”
“I’m not trying to be difficult.”
“I’m not trying to hurt your feelings.”
“I swear I’m telling the truth.”
“I don’t like to complain.”

To these, we can add:

“The check is in the mail.”
“I won’t cum in your mouth.”
“I’ve never done this before.”
“This won’t hurt a bit.”
“This is for your own good.”
“This hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“You know you can trust me.”

What others?

2

I don’t quite get how “I’ve never done this before” is a lie. For me, it’s more of a warning that I need to move back a few steps, or someone else needs to get the fire extinguisher in case I catch on fire.

I think a possibility may be “No offense, but…”

3

“I don’t mean to bother you…” Well you may not mean it but I’ll bet that you’re about to do it anyway, so that hardly counts.

4

Perhaps not lies, but certainly statements that make me look askance at the speaker:

I am wise.
I am a patriot.
I am pious.
I am attractive.
I am humble.

5

Not to change the subject, but…

It’s not you, it’s me.

6

I’m asleep.
I am not speaking.
I am not myself.

7

I hate to say it/tell you this, but…

8

I am stepping down to spend more time with my family.

9

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” - you just did.
“This is funny :” (ok, not always a lie. But empirical evidence points to a very high probablity)
“My best friend is a X”
“I don’t masturbate” :stuck_out_tongue:

10

“I only tell the truth.”

And because of the pit thread I’m participating in; “I’m not trolling.”

Um, yeah right to both.

11

I meant it in the context of sexual acts.

And I forgot the most famous one: “I am not a crook.”

12

We’re not lost!

13

Another one: “I was just about to call you.”

14

“I know what I’m doing.”

15

“I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”

16

“My fellow Americans…”

17

“Mission accomplished!”

18

“That was the dog.”

19

“The dog ate my homework.”

20

“Sorry, I’m down to my last cigarette/stick of gum.”