Most six or seven year olds I know absolutely do have a favorite team. Some even have whole rooms decorated, team clothes to wear, etc. On top of that, every step father I know respects the fact that their step son may have a pretty strong bond with their bio dad over such things, and they don’t fuck with that.
It would really suck to be a father and to know that some other man is getting to live with your son, and having an enormous amount of influence in his life. It would probably suck even more to know that he’s screwed up one of the things that you’ve traditionally bonded over.
“Hey buddy, you want to watch the Georgia game?”
“Nah. Just call me when the Gators come on.”
Absolutely. When I said kids don’t need to know the nuances to have a rooting interest, I didn’t mean that their rooting interest couldn’t be fanatical. It certainly can and probably will be.
I am well aware that it comes off as petty to a lot of people, but if my son had a (hypothetical) step father who managed to turn him into a Yankees fan, I’d be pretty upset about it.
I guess I’ll just have to agree to disagree with some of you. I’m acutely aware of the nuances, pain and complexity of the bio/step/child triangle and of all the things that need to be worked out gingerly and the tongue holding (that came out wrong!), etc. This issue on its face, however, is ridiculous to me.
Without more detail, you cant be sure on its face who’s being ridiculous though.
Step-parents have been known to play games for instance, and ‘encourage’ kids to like things that they know will annoy their biological parent, sports teams being a classic for this. Similarly bio parents have done things to try and make life hard for step-parents.
Then theres ‘who’s right’ and whats best diplomatically. If its the second or third complaint like this, it might be time to set some boundaries. If its the first after some time, it might be worth taking seriously.
I also find it hard to believe sports is the only bonding opportunity for this step-parent, if so, maybe he needs to get a few more eggs in the basket options wise.
All parties should try to do what’s best for the kid. If one party is an irresponsible dickweed, the other still needs to do the best for the kid. Even if it’s manipulative or unreasonable crap. I suck up a lot for my kids when I judge it’s in their best interest.
As a BIO dad who has come across this issue, I will provide you with my perspective on this.
My son is 8 years old. He is an avid sports fan. I coach all of this sports (basketball, baseball, football,). The teams that he plays for go by the same names. He and I spend hours playing and watching games and discussing our favorite players. We are avid Celtics, Red Sox and Patriotts fans. It is a big part of our father and son bond.
So, his mom has a new boyfriend whom she has been seeing for 4 months. At Christmas he bought my son a Drew Brees jerey (he is a Saints Fan). A bit confucing to my son - don;t you think. Where is his loyalty? Is he bing disloyal to Dad if he roots for the Saints ? Is he being disloyal to the new Bo if he roots for ther Pats? Why not keep it simple for him. He plays for thr Patriots. He likes Tom Brady. Maybe the best thing to do would be to respect that - and get him a Tom Brady shirt. Seems like the little guy has been put in a confusing situation. I think it is insensitive and selfish of the boyfiend.
Next episode…I buy my son a special gift for his 8th Birthday. A collection of basketball cards from a sports memorabilia shop in town. He is excited and tells his mother all about it. I return him to her on Monday. That night night, she and her boyfriend go to the exact shop and buy him more cards - only these onses are more expesive (special). In this case I find this act vnot just insensitive, but un-necessarily spiteful.
I love some Alabama football. It’s the house religion. My purse is houndstooth, our walls are decorated with the Bear, Stallings and (more recently) Saban the way some people used to have Jesus, Martin and John.
Yet every time I walk into a sports store I buy a goddamned Gator item to match whatever Alabama stuff we have. Why? Because that’s who my ex-husband likes, so that’s what the oldest boy gets. Oldest boy went for a long time where he didn’t have much contact with Bio-Dad, and now it still isn’t what it should be, but one thing that makes them allies is their deep, unabiding love for the goddamned Gators. When the boy is away from his dad he still gets a connection to him when we watch.
It’s a pain in the ass getting trash talked by a 9 year old (all in jest, of course) and even worse when they win but the boyfriend and I have done it for years to support that identification he feels with his bio-dad. It’s not about who gets the most fans for his team. It’s more about being supportive with a “Hey game’s about to come on - go call your dad and give him a Go Gators” or “Next time you see your dad you’ll have to ask if he saw that pass!”
My boyfriend bonds just fine with my son over other things - things the bio-dad can’t bond with the son over. Building things, going to Home Depot and looking at tools, making household decisions, whatever. Things that come up over the course of daily living. Things the bio-dad doesn’t get a chance to have “pop up” on the limited time they have. So - we let the two of them have the goddamned Gators and buy two of everything: one crimson, one blue.
It would be nicer if the bio-dad could incorporate more daily life or a more varied set of interests to connect with his son, but he can’t. It’s up to us to nurture the relationship between them now, and sports is an easy way to do so with fathers and sons.
And I’m also grateful that the guy my mom was with (closest thing to a stepdad I had) was into boxing while my dad was into motorcycles and racing. Bonded with mom’s BF over boxing (which I still love) and bonded with dad over motorcycles/racing (which I still love). Win-Win.
Might I suggest the stepdad come up with some other cool sport to teach the kid about and bond over… baseball, hockey, basketball… There’s enough sports to go around, don’t you think?
Stepdad here - In my situation, nobody is being evil to each other, YMMV.
I have found the best way to think about it is that, as stepdad, you are NOT first in line (that’s the kid) or second in line (that’s the mom) or third in line (that’s the dad). It’s not your role to usurp a bio-parent. And don’t badmouth the bio-parent - EVER…this applies to anything they said, did, or decision they made. You don’t want to be in position of having the child choose, or to appear to be turning the child away from the bio-parent. Take the high-road all the way, all the time. It’s not about winning.
In terms of the OP, if the bio-dad says back off, then you back off. Is it possible the stepdad is subtly trying to one-up the father by bonding over football (fathers favorite sport)? Is it possible the stepdad is inadvertently trash-talking the fathers favorite team around the child? We don’t know. But it’s best not to risk it.
This. What on earth is the thing with all of you people saying the bio dad is such a POS? The new guy married the mom, not the child. The new guy is a father figure, not the real father, and, unless Mom objects, should go along with the father’s wishes, unless it is for something that would adversely affect the child, or the couple’s relationship. Anybody that gets their underwear in a bunch over the biodad’s request has more problems than the dad.
Another thing: the OP says that the request was to ‘stop making child…’ Making?
Hmmmmm…could be more to this than we are getting. Not sticking on that, but, it seems significant to me, after reading **Dogzilla’s **insights.
And, let’s be real: Step whatever may walk at any time; Dad is dad for life.
Best wishes,
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Nope. Biodad has no rights to his child while he is in the custody of Biomom. He may not have divorced the child, but he did agree to a custody agreement that grants him control half the time. If Biomom has chosen to allow Stepdad to have control while she has custody, that’s her right.
Now, obviously, Biodad can make a request, but Stepdad has no requirements to follow through unless biomom requires it. Stepdad has no requirements to Biodad whatsoever.
That said, stepdad does have a requirement to the child, and that’s why I’m okay with Stepdad being required to fix things if he’s the one who has let the kid get away with being an asshole. Biodad has a right to protect his child from being badly parented as long as he doesn’t violate custody agreements. I think most people here are assuming that Biodad is just upset that the kid likes a different team and is just blaming Stepdad unfairly*. Bonding over what team the child likes is a privilege, and even children with non-divorced parents can disagree with their parents’ tastes.
*Think of the stereotypical aggressive sports fan, and combine it with someone who likely feels hurt by the existence of stepdad, and the hurt the guy feels for not being able to bond with his son over a shared team, and it’s not too unlikely that biodad may have just lashed out.
