Today is the deadline to send my dad a submission for the (extremely geeky) website he’s creating for my stepmother’s 50th birthday, which is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Usually I can just send her a book or some earrings or something for her birthday, and everyone’s happy. Normally, it would be no problem for me to pound out a couple of paragraphs of something either humorous or mushy for a purpose like this. The problem in this case, though, is that:
a) We started off well, but ever since I started applying to colleges, my stepmother and I have had a relationship that has been chilly at best (it’s a long story involving lawsuits and subpoenas; trust me, you don’t want to know, but let’s just say I have an issue with sending her Mother’s Day cards);
b) I don’t want to do anything nasty, among other reasons because I hate family conflicts;
c) I’m a big believer in being 100% honest; and
d) I’m lousy at putting a positive spin on things if I don’t believe they’re positive.
So any ideas? What could I possibly write that would be slightly more personal than a Hallmark card, and be both positive and the truth?
Presumably your father values her. Attack it (so to speak) from that angle (“for being a part of my father’s life…”), and it should be possible to write something nice, honest, non-Hallmark, and not terribly spun.
Or take the white lie approach, and “forget” about the deadline. Given what family histories can be like, your father will probably realize that there was no forgetting whatsoever, but will take the complementing white-lie approach of convincing himself that you really did just forget, and that book you sent instead was fine, and everyone can go on ignoring essential chilliness all about.
How long have your father and stepmother been married? You say you started off well – do you have some favorite (or just warm) memories with her that you could share / remind her of? An event you went to together, a good meal, a hike, what-have-you … they could all make for an honest and positive entry without even coming close to how you feel about her right now or what’s going on right now.
They got married in 1984, and I applied to college in 1985, so there wasn’t a whole lot of time for us to develop warm fuzzies before the ickiness started. She does have some redeeming qualities:
She is very smart
She is super-organized, sometimes to the degree of being anal (sometimes it’s a good thing – someone does need to get stuff done, after all - but sometimes she refers to it as her OCD)
She’s done a lot to help my dad’s side of the family with things, particularly my grandmother, especially since her own father died
She gave birth to my little brother (who’s not so little anymore; he’s 14 and 5’8”)
Do I have many specific memories of nice things we did together? Not so many. She’s never been terribly supportive to me, and she’s not what one might call “warm” most of the time. The only thing I can think of offhand (and keep in mind I’ve had a month or so to try to come up with something) would involve posting something about my dad’s college exploits that I’m not sure he would want on the Web for my brother to see. I’m really feeling stumped.
Play up the brother aspect. You do adore him and he’s turned out to be a great kid, right? So contribute a ‘thank you for giving me a little brother’ bit. Most parents are glad to hear they have good kids.