Is that a bad motivation? Honest question. Because I can’t see how not wanting a kid to hurt his or her bio parent somehow disregards the kid’s own well-being.
Well then, off into the weeds we go…
IMHO regarding marriage & kids: as a rule, parents have GOT to put the marriage/relationship first, well-being & desires of the kids second. Fail to do that and the marriage will die and life gets a lot worse for everyone. The hard part is getting over the guilt when it starts to dawn on the kid(s) that they will always be second in your heart to your spouse. For the good of the kids, the loyalty between the parents must be stronger than either parent’s loyalty to the kids.
Grrlbrarian, sounds like we have the same family!
Almost the only disagreements my husband and I have ever had were about the kids. He tries to parent mine; I’m strictly hands-off with his (of my own accord). We’re rarely on the same page with child-rearing issues, and wound up with two different sets of rules for the two different sets of kids. And there is resentment.
At this point we have one of each left at home, his 24 year old boy and my 24 year old girl. They make themselves scarce and thus we avoid daily conflict.
Not wanting it is fine. But I think the parent gets to decide how and what they are willing to suffer for whatever they think is the kids’ best interest. Having a step jump in to defend the parent, or jump all over the kid because they feel something was hurtful disrespectful doesn’t help.
It’s a lot more complicated than that. If the house were on fire, would you really save your kids ahead of your spouse? And I’d forgive my kid things I’d never forgive my spouse for (say, hitting me or stealing from me). But, on the other hand, I’m friends with my spouse. I fundamentally prefer spending time with him, and I don’t see that changing.