Steven Wright said when someone asked how he felt he replied You know that feeling when you are tilting your chair back and you go too far and almost fall and then catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
I used to wait for folks to ask me how I was doing so I could say: You know that feeling when you’re just falling asleep and you feel like you’re falling and you wake up? I feel like that all the time.
Lately I have felt more like the feeling when your speeding up to a traffic light and it turns yellow and you floor it but then realize you are not going to make it but it’s also too late to stop.
Lately I feel like that all the time.
You remember the feeling on Christmas morning as a kid when you’d have this fantastic looking gift under the tree and you’d rush to open it because you were convinced it was going to be the best prezzie ever, but it turned out to be a pair of socks?
You know that feeling when something happens onstage to an actor like them falling down hard while dancing that looks like an accident but maybe it’s really part of the show like in A CHORUS LINE but nobody in the audience knows and the rest of the actors are holding their positions looking at him for a minute and you’re not sure if they’re still acting or if something has really gone wrong?
You know when your alarm clock goes off, you get up and there’s no coffee? And as you brush your teeth and start to get ready for work your alarm clock really goes off and you have to do it all over again?
You know when your girlfriend invites you to take a steamy shower with her? And suddenly, while massaging soap between your toes, you realize that both of you are more concerned about getting clean than getting off?
You know that feeling when you think you know what a thread is going to be about from the title, but just maybe it’s not, so you check it, and it really is what you thought in the first place? That’s what I’m feeling right now, since I was pretty sure this was gonna be about Steven Wright the comedian and not our sweetie Steven Wright the SD board member. Heh.
You know that feeling you get when you dream that you forgot to wear pants, and then you feel really embarrassed and hope that nobody notices, but then you realize it’s a dream and you run around screaming, “I’m not wearing any pants, everybody! Look at me!”
Well, that’s how I felt before some party pooper called the cops on me.
You know how you get the most intense feeling of deja vu and you turn to the person next to you and say, “Wow, I just had the most intense feeling of deja vu!” and they look you square in the eye and say, “You just said that.”
You know that feeling when you turn on the TV and find out that your all-time favorite not-available-on-DVD movie is on… and then you find out that it’s only the last three seconds of the movie credits and there was no point at all in the menu even giving the name of the film… I feel like that all the time.
You know that feeling where everything is going just right for you, and you get out of bed every morning thrilled to be going to work because you love what you do, and every breath is a reaffirmation of how totally fucking wonderful and amazing life is?
You know that feeling where you know the answer to the really arcane question that has been asked but you don’t want to look stupid so you won’t say anything, but you know that the answer is right, don’t be such a pussy just say it, no no no OK I will. And all that gets out is “uh” which you disguise as a cough as the lecturer beats you to it.
You know that feeling when you are having sex and everthing is going great and you are just about there and suddenly you think, “remember that time grandma kissed you and slipped you a little tongue?”
You know how you’re getting all jiggy with the wife and you’re having the best time of your life, thinking you are the best stud muffin this side of Mars and you look down to see whether the missus is enjoying it right along with you and you hear her snore.
My two kids have made life like this for me all the time.
You know how you get the most intense feeling of deja vu and you turn to the person next to you and say, “Wow, I just had the most intense feeling of deja vu!” and they look you square in the eye and say, “You just said that.”
You know that feeling when you’re reading a really great thread and you keep thinking man I’ve got tons of stuff to add to this thread when i get done reading it man everybody’s gonna be so impressed it’ll really blow them away and then you finally get to the end of the thread and all your great ideas suddenly seem so fucking lame and you can’t use any of them.
You know that feeling you get when you are just driving along on auto pilot and you suddenly look up and don’t recognize anything for a few seconds and you say “where the hell am I”, then suddenly you know where you are? I feel like that all the time.
You know that feeling you get when you’ve been out partying all night and your boyfriend drives you directly to work at the supermarket from the club and you’re standing at the cash register with money in your hand and all of a sudden you have a moment of clarity and you wonder Am I taking this money or giving this money? and you have to read what the register says to find out and you say to yourself, “Damn, I live an asskicking party life!”
You know that feeling where your wife comes running into the room saying “there’s a spider in there - kill it” and you roll your eyes at her because she’s being such a baby but deep down you feel kinda queasy 'cause spiders sort of creep you out but you want to be a man about it so you go into the other room to kill the spider and damn it’s a big spider and you don’t want to just squash it and make a big grease spot on the wall so you grab it between your fingers and hold onto it tight because you don’t want the thing getting loose and running up your arm but not too tight because feeling it squish between your fingers would be worse?