I just love Steve Wright’s style of humor (how would one describe it? Philosophical? Metaphysical? Geeky?)
One of my favorites is,
“Four years ago…no, it was yesterday.”
(yes, I’m weird)
I even made up my own:
“I have a tough job. I’m a door-to-door salesman; I sell ‘NO SOLICITING’ signs.”
What are other peoples’ favorite SW quotes? Can anyone come up with their own?
Not in Britain, mate - Steven Wright’s the funny one, Steve Wright’s a fairly unfunny DJ of the “let’s pretend my production team is a wacky, zany posse” school.
As in, <singing> “Steve Wright in the aaaafterrrr…noon.” ?
Yup, he’s distinctly unfunny.
Ah, you too have heard the voice of Satan. Good call.
“This is the artificial horizon. It’s better than the real horizon.”
“I live at the end of a one-way, dead-end street. I don’t get out much.”
“I haven’t eaten in eight years. My parents always told me, ‘Never eat on an empty stomach.’”
“I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only taller.”
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
“I was born by Caesarian section. It hasn’t realy affected me, except that when I leave a room, I go out through the window.”
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere NEAR the place.”
“I woke up this morning and walked into my living room, only to discover that someone had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact replicas.”
I was once at a job interview and right in the middle of it I pulled out a book and started reading. The interview said, “What do you think you are doing?” I said, “Look, if you are traveling at the speed of light, and you turn your lights on, will anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “Forget it then, I don’t want to work for you”.
“I have the world’s oldest typewriter… It types in pencil”.
“Most people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.”
“I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. Perhaps you’ve seen it. I keep it scattered on all the beaches of the world. I have a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. I have a picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.”
“I have an irregular phone… it has no 5 on it. My friend called me up and said, ‘How come you never call me anymore?’ I said I couldn’t call everyone I wanted because my phone has no 5 on it. He said, ‘That’s wierd. How long has this been going on?’ I said I didn’t know because my clock has no 7”.
"I ended up in this tiny shack in the middle of nowhere and the phone rang. I picked it up and the voice said, “Hello, is this Stephen Wright?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “This is Mr. Norman, the student loan director at your bank. You still owe us 30,000 and we’d like to know what you did with the money.” I said, “Ok, I won’t lie to you. I gave the money to my friend, Jiggs Casey… and he built a nuclear weapon with it… and I’d REALLY appreciate it if you didn’t call me anymore.”
"I was driving to Canada and was stopped at the border. The guard asked if I was carrying any weapons. I said, “What do you need?”
“I got thrown out of the movie theater for bringing in my own food. My argument was that the theatre prices for food are outragous… besides I haven’t had a barbecue in a long time.”
That’s all I can think of for now. I’ll have to listen to my tape again.
Doesn’t Steve Wright post here, too? 
When I was a kid, my father used to make me and my sister stand side-by-side, looking straight ahead without saying anything.
He called it “elevator practice.”
Its a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
“…Having sex with Rachel is like going to a rock concert… She yells alot… She throws frisbee’s around the room… and when she wants more she lights a match.”
“Hopalong Ginsburg at your service.”
“I put some instant coffee in the microwave the other day. I almost went back in time.”
“I got a microwave fireplace. I can spend an evening in front of the fire in about eight minutes.”
“You know that feeling you get when you are leaning back in a chair and the chair starts to fall, and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel that way all the time.”
“My friend and I once drove across the country with only one cassette tape to listen to…I can’t remember what it was.”
“Hermits don’t have peer pressure”
I’m quite sure this isn’t the exact quote, but close: “I was out in the desert the other day, and a spaceship landed and these tiny aliens got out. I said to them, 'Man, you’re really small.” to which they replied, ‘No, we’re just really far away.’"
“Snakes don’t have arms, that’s why they don’t wear vests.”
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, ‘Cut it out’.
“…I sound this way because I speak in parentheses…”
“…I came here in a helicopter. I couldn’t find a place to land, so I tied a rope to it and left it running…”
“…The other day, I bought both a humidefier and a de-humidifier. I’m going to lock them both in a room and let’em fight it out…”
“…Everywhere in America is within walking distance, if you have the time…”
I bought some batteries but they weren’t included.
I bought some powdered water but I don’t know what to add.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I like filling up my bathtub, then turning on the shower and pretending I’m in a sinking submarine.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “what for?”
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it.
Now, can anyone explain this one to me, because I’ve never gotten it:
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn’t have any hands or numbers. He says it’s very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
What did he tell him? To look at his watch? Ha ha?