The favorite quotes from comedies made me think of my favorite one liner from a comedian.
Steven Wright-A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn’t first place.
What’s yours?
My favorite (and I regret to say, I don’t know who came up with it):
Someone once asked Rodney Dangerfield, “How did you get started?”
Dangerfield replied, “When I was twelve years old, alone in my room.”
(I realize I will not be accused of sophistication for this.)
From Bobcat Goldthwaite (paraphrased):
“Animals are our friends, but they won’t drive you to the airport.”
“My wife is so bad in bed, after we have sex I draw a chalk outline around her.” - Rodney Dangerfield
“I wish my first word as a little kid had been ‘Quote.’ Then, just before I died, I’d say ‘Unquote.’” - Steven Wright
“When virtual reality lets Joe Sixpack make love to Claudia Schiffer in his den for hours, it’s gonna make crack look like Sanka.” - Dennis Miller
“Men are like bears with furniture.” - Rita Rudner
“Comedy is not pretty.” - Steve Martin
“Everything in my medicine cabinet is ‘Extra strength’ and ‘Maximum potency.’ It’s like the drug company PR guy went to the lab and said, ‘Make it strong enough to kill me, thennnnnnnnnn just back it off a little.’” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Life is like a sewer: What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”
– Tom Lehrer
I don’t know who wrote this one, and I don’t recall where I got it from.
“She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.”
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so, yeah.’”
“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
– Mitch Hedberg
One I heard on Prairie Home Companion when they did a “Joke Show”:
“This lady walked into a bar, and she asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.”
Listening to Mitch Hedberg lately.
Dammit, that’s what happens when you’re doing this at work.
Also from Mitch Hedberg:
“I think Bigfoot’s blurry. That’s the problem; it’s not the photographers.”
An old and probably well-known one by now. I first saw it used by a long-forgotten comedienne in the old “My Favorite Jokes” feature of Parade Magazine back in the 1960s:
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
– Jack Handey
It’s a control freak thing; I wouldn’t let you understand.
Some miscelleanous (and anonymous, AFAIK) bumper stickers:
You ought to be in pictures. At the post office.
You probably don’t recognize me without my cape.
I’m indifferent to that whole “apathy” thing.
Let gays marry. Why shouldn’t they be miserable, too?
I’m not speeding, Officer. I’m qualifying.
I definitely intend to procrastinate tomorrow.
Please shower before entering the gene pool.
They say I have ADD, but I really… ooh look, a bird!
Some days you’re the bug. Some days you’re the windshield.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Slacker than thou.
Yes, I’m a high priest of Satan, but my duties are mainly ceremonial.
If YOU don’t talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it IS on the list.
Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to live with the nutjob for the rest of your life.
Where there’s a will, there’s greedy relatives.
Possum. It’s whut’s fer supper.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
I’m only wearing black until they make something darker.
Some days, it’s not even worth chewing through the restraints.
Dain bramaged.
When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
27.3% of all statistics are made up.
I’m sick of being my wife’s arm candy.
Another from Mitch Hedberg: “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread”.
I’m going to get a tattoo of myself, only taller.
They all laughed at me when I said I’d be a comedian someday. Well, they’re not laughing now!
They say the Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe a thousand years ago, and the Scots never caught on.
If work really sucked I’d smile a lot more while there.
My parents just came back from a planet where the dominant life form had no bilateral symmetry, and all I got was this stupid F-Shirt.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp,because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying “That was fucking awesome!”
You’re just jealous that the voices are talking to me!
My argument is shabby but impregnable, like Superman standing by the road with a “Will Work For Food” sign.
God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge; he should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
She may be your friend, and she may be a girl, but your mother does not count as a “girlfriend”.
All: “Norm!”
Coach: “How’s it going, Norm?”
Norm: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”
Jimmy Carr:
All Mitch Hedberg:
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Dogs are forever in the push up position.
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it’s a bullcrap replica, 'cuz dude didn’t even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, YOU throw this away.”
I smoke cigars occasionally. I don’t know a lot about cigars. Like if I’m at a cigar store, the guy behind the counter says, “What kind of cigars do you like?” “Uhhh… Itsaboys.”
mmm