“Some people have a way with words. And some people… not… have way…”–Steve Martin
“He practiced animal husbandry… until they caught him at it.”–Tom Lehrer
“You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.”–Dorothy Parker
Steven Wright: I have a road map of the United States. It’s in one-to-one scale. I can’t fold it.
Steve Wright- I put instant coffee in my microwave. I almost went back in time.
Emo Philips-- The way to teach kids not to be afraid of the dark is to fill their daylight hours with as much horror as possible, so they’ll pray for the darkness to come.
Mitch Hedberg-- I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry,” so it died.
Demitri Martin- Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.
It’s a small world…but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
Groucho-- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
All Steven Wright (who’s a favorite of mine):
I have a collection of seashells that I keep on beaches all over the world. Perhaps you’ve seen it?
When I was a kid, my grandfather gave me ten bucks and said, “Don’t tell your parents I gave you this.” I said, “It’s gonna cost you more than that.”
I saw a restaurant that had a sign that read, “Breakfast served any time.” So I went in and ordered French toast from the Renaissance.
My nephew has ADHD/HD. He can never sit still, but his picture quality is incredible.
My grandmother once gave my brother a boxful of broken glass, and gave me a boxful of bandages. Then she said, “Now, you boys share!”
I used to work at a fireplug factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went into a drug store, took some things up to checkout, and the girl at the cash register said, “Will that be all?” I told her, “No, I want to buy these.”
“I knew her before she was a virgin.”
– Oscar Levant
From a purported list of UPS pilot complaints and maintenance crew responses:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That’s what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you 're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel; sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from the midget.
She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I loved her still.
Another Jimmy Carr: Throwing acid is wrong…in some people’s eyes.
She was only a librarian’s daughter, but boy was she stacked!
She was only a wrestler’s daughter, but she always came through in a clinch!
She was only a telegraph operator’s daughter, but she did it and did it and did it!
She was only a minister’s daughter, but I wouldn’t put anything pastor!
She was only Jeeves’ daughter, but she was a right ho!
She was only a mortician’s daughter, but she knew how to bury a stiff!
She was only a Doper’s daughter, but she knew what to do with a post!
(w/apologies to a certain Doper…)
“I like my women the way I like my coffee…covered in bees!”
“The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.” - Mark Twain
and here’s a few more deep thoughts from Jack Handey…
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
Emo Phillips:
“One day we were taking a test, and I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine…”
“I’m a great lover, I bet.”
“People come up to me and say, ‘Emo, do people really come up to you?’”
“I like to think of my body as a temple, or at least a relatively well-run storefront Presbyterian youth center.”
“I’ve never wished anyone dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with a great deal of satisfaction.” - Clarence Darrow
W.S. Gilbert was good for a lot of these. Not quite technically one-liners, but close.
He would often direct the show rehearsals. For (I think it was) Pirates of Penzance, he is trying to get the girls’ chorus to dip in a certain place while singing the phrase “Most politely”. (Background: “po” was slang for a toilet, I believe).
“No, no ladies, you must go down on the ‘po’ and come up ‘lightly’!”
Another one that requires some setup. One of the G&S operas is called “Ruddigore”. After the premier, the following conversation took place. (Background: “bloody” in British English was, and still is, a rude word)
Audience Member: Saw your show “Bloodygore” last night.
Gilbert (steamed): The show’s name is “Ruddigore”.
AM: Well, Ruddygore or Bloodygore, means the same thing, doesn’t it?
Gilbert: Really? I suppose if I said “I admire your ruddy countenance” it would be the same as if I said “I like your bloody cheek.” Well it isn’t, and I don’t!
Roddy
Emo Pillips:
“I once got into trouble on a date. I didn’t open her car door. Instead, I just swam to the surface.”
My neighborhood was so tough, the sign in the public library said, “Shut the fuck up!”
Rodney Dangerfield
From The Honeymooners
Ralph brings along Norton, Trixie and Alice to his boss’s house, to be entertained by his boss and his spoiled wife. Ralph is making obvious flattering comments to his boss’s young and pretty wife.