Why is this funny? He was just talking about his first fumbling attempt at a standup performance.
My roommate bought me a tote bag with that on it.
“I bought some batteries. But they weren’t included…
So I had to buy them again.” --Stephen Wright
I fell in love with a psychic, but she dumped me before we met.
From Art Thieme,
"If you have memory problems, forget it.
If it weren’t for time, we’d have to do everything all at once."
And from George Carlin,
" If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what’s left, an odd or an end?"
“Quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it hundreds of times.” -Mark Twain
Oscar Wilde is on his deathbed. “Those curtains are hideous. One of us has to go.”
Hawkeye from M.A.S.H. is writing his father from a mental institution. “Dear Dad, Remember when you said I’d lose my head if it weren’t screwed on properly? Well…”
A woman informs President Coolidge that she bet a friend that she could make him say more than three words during the course of the evening. “You lose.”
Both from Demitri Martin:
"‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’
I always thought that would have been better if it had been:
A friend of mine has a trophy wife but apparently it was “Best in Show”
They’re funnier if you read that as Jimmy Carter.
Two lines (sorry): “I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you were kind of a bitch.”
God, I feel like such a moron! I’ve heard that all my life but just thought it was a nonsequiteur - I didn’t get it. 
Some good ones I’ve seen in holiday catalogs lately:
*Always be yourself! Unless you suck.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it lets you be unhappy in some very nice places.
Hard work must have killed someone. Why take the chance?
I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you really pissed me off.
Free beer, topless women and false advertising. (on a sign)
I had fun once. It was awful.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
All generalizations are false.
Question authority - ask me a question!
I’m only here because my server is down.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Earth without art would just be “eh.”
Bacteria: It’s the only culture some people have.
I may look lazy, but on the molecular level I’m quite busy.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
If it wasn’t for physics, I’d be unstoppable.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the Sun.
When I was a kid we had nine planets.
53.7% of all statistics are just made up.
I’m not the droid you’re looking for.
Beer is the answer. What was the question?
Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.
I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Sarcasm - just one more service I offer.
Two rules for success: 1) Don’t tell people everything you know. 2)
Eh, I’ll procrastinate tomorrow.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
Confusion, uncertainty, havoc? My work here is done.
With enough thrust, pigs fly just fine.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’s still be stationery.
Math illiteracy affects seven out of every five people.
Stupidity is not a crime. Therefore, you’re free to go.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Pavlov? Hmm. The name rings a bell…
I avoid cliches like the plague.
Hyperbole is the best thing ever!!!
Apathy? I could take it or leave it.
Hobbits are Tolkien minorities.
Kinetic energy: Pass it on.
I was an English major. You do the math.
What’s another word for “synonym”?
I’ll wear black until they come up with a darker color.
Temporarily out of my mind. Please leave a message.*
“And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew the like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.” – Groucho
A good friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body.
Fruit flies, as in insects.
Bar Patron: “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?”
Piano Player: “No. Hum a few bars and maybe I can pick it up.”
Andrew Dice Clay. He’s Fonzi with Tourette’s Syndrome. - Dennis Miller
I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept bouncing out of my martini glass. - Martin Mull.
Pretentious? Moi? - Dianne Chambers (Cheers)
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx (possibly)
“She couldn’t boil water using a mix and a cookbook with the Galloping Gourmet helping her through the hard parts.” - Unknown
“He couldn’t find his own ass with a map, a mirror and two flashlights.” - me
(and my dad)
mmm
“You miss 100% of the shots you do not take”
- Wayne Gretzky
- Michael Scott
- Lee Harvey Oswald