WC Fields
Why isn’t the word “phonetic” spelled like it sounds?
Regards,
Shodan
Be alert. America needs more lerts.
Hawkeye Pierce: “An Edible Complex is when a guy likes his mom’s cooking better than eating out.”
Norm Peterson: “Women! Can’t live with 'em … pass the beer nuts, Woody!”
enipla:
I thought this one came from Miss Piggy.
Grafitto on the tombstone of Peter Longbottom, died age 3:
Arse longa, vita brevis.
“He couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed in the heel.” - Lyndon Johnson (attributed)
Not a comedian, but he says funny things: “90% of this game is half mental.” - Yogi Berra
Either one may have ripped it off, but I first heard it on an episode of Fawlty Towers. Basil keeps walking in as a guest he hates is entertaining one or another of the women with a joke. All we hear is the punchline, but the genius of it is that it’s a punchline that doesn’t need a joke:
“And so she says, ‘Pretentious? Moi?’”
People who say money can’t buy happiness just don’t know where to shop. --Carrie Snow
Lovey Howell said it long before Carrie on Gilligan’s Island, in response to the Professor observing that “money cannot buy happiness.”
Mr Howell’s response to the same comment was “Well, it’s certainly kept me smiling for years!” 
From the great philosopher, W. C. Fields.
“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.”
“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
“I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.”
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
“I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.”
And a famous line which Fields didn’t say, but gets credited with. It was said about him, instead. “Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad!”
Supposedly the week after Joan Crawford died, Bette Davis (her longtime, famous ‘arch-enemy’) appeared on the Tonight Show. When Carson asked if she had any thoughts about her rivals passing, Davis reputedly quipped:
“My mama told me to say nothing but good about the dead. Well she’s dead…GOOD!”
That was the one with the psychiatrists and the Australian babe. The first half of the joke was something like “A man says to his wife ‘You know, dear, you’ve been acting very pretentious lately.’”
“…I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?” - Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket