I just discovered US comic Doug Stanhope via Guardian columnist Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe, the best excoriation of modern news I have seen. Stanhope is presented as Brooker’s hopelessly drunk US representative and I have found some of his other material.
I really like this line:
“Jesus died for your sins, I’m doing it for your mere entertainment.”
So what has tickled your fancy recently?
http://www.youtube.com/user/ChristiaanVanVuuren
He did a webcast and he interrupted the program by saying “oh, a nurse”.
In the background you hear him say, “get me some toast, bitch.”
I’m cracking up again, just thinking about it. Of course there is no nurse, but this guy is just a funny dude. The line isn’t in the video I posted. The vid is just an example of his humor. I don’t have the link for the webcast at hand.
When the audience groans, realizing where his personal anecdote is headed.
“I know. I’m in the future too”
-Mike Birbiglia
“Bought an ant farm the other day…those fuckers didn’t grow shit!”
RIP Mitch!
“…and another American family is destroyed!”
Lewis Black
I may be mis-attributing this to Jerry Seinfeld, but I’ll give him credit for it anyway:
Missed the edit window…that quote is definitely not recent. But it’s still my fave.
Garrison Keillor, reading from cards filled out by audience members:
“To Tammy, I love you more today than yesterday. Yesterday you were kind of annoying.”
Recent? Why recent? So, I can’t include these? Darn.
[In a hick accent]: “Is this some kind of avante-garde German theatre bullshit where a comedian goes up and he just fuckin’ sucks, and then, and then a magician goes on, and he yells at us, and then they dress a lesbian in boys’ clothing in the back of the room, and you realize halfway through ‘Oh, that’s that shitty fuckin’ comedian!', and he’s back there cacklin’ in the darkness like a- a half-remembered nightmare through a cracked mirror of regret? Is that what the- ‘cuz if that’s what the fuck this is, I’ve seen it done better, that’s all I’m sayin’ man.”
–Patton Oswalt
“I found my inner child . . . and I sexually abused it.”
Can’t remember the name of the comic. He had a half hour on Comedy Central about 10 or 15 years ago. I think he had an Italian surname.
Recent to me:
My super power is ficial.
blondediva11 on twitter
Wanda Sykes, on being told to not use the n-word or f-word at an event where she performed for the president:
{paraphrased}
“Why did they feel the need to tell me that? AS IF I’m going to get up there, go right on up to him, and say, ‘Whassup, my nigga! You the mutherfuckin’ president! Yeah! YOU the mutherfuckin PRESIDENT!’”
It caught me so offguard, I seriously LOLed.
Another one from Wanda Sykes whom i normally despise:
“Reverse racism is when a racist is nice to you, what white people are complaining about is called KARMA”
I read this recently. Hope that counts.
WC Fields used to come to work with a thermos labelled lemonaid that was filled something a tad stronger. One day his crew decided to empty the thermos and fill it with lemonaid.
Fields took a swig and uttered: “who put lemonaid in my lemonaid?”
I guess it is several years old now, but one of my favorites from Ron White is: I had the right to remain silent, but I had lost the ability to.
Bill Maher:
Obama responded to the birthers by stating that he will show them his birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows him her high school diploma.
I just saw Neil Patrick Harris say that on How I Met Your Mother a few years back, to the bartender, during the episode where Lily and Marshall got married.
Is he the ‘‘What I should have said… was nothing’’ guy? Because that’s one funny dude.
For me it’s John Oliver, talking about how on a recent trip to Colorado a cab driver proudly announced that Colorado is the least obese state in the U.S… not the most healthy.
‘‘No, not that. Deliberately not that.’’
Also from JO, ‘‘Then he did something that only he will ever understand.’’