"My friend just got a trophy wife.
Must not have been first place."
-Stephen Wright.
Bo Burnham is at 19 already a comedy genius- this kid is going to be HUGE. He’s mostly known for his raps (check out YouTube) but he’s also good at regular standup. This is from his routine on math; I’ll cheat a bit by listing them all.
Statistically 33.333% of Jonas Brothers are diabetic.
On average 1 in every 44 presidents can dunk- I’m talking about Millard Fillmore you racists!
On average Sarah Palin’s children have 46.2 chromosomes each.
When Roy (of Siegfried &) was attacked by the tiger a few years back people were talking about what a terrible tragedy it was. Wanda was less than sympathetic. When Jay Leno mentioned it he said “They’re saying now that the tiger was confused and disoriented” Wanda literally made me spew Coke with her response:
“Hell yeah he was confused and disoriented! He was in a fuckin’ casino!”
Mine would probably also be a Doug Stanhope joke about illegal immigration (NSFW language). The gist of it (it’s a rather long one-liner I suppose) would be that if your job can be so easily replaced by someone who doesn’t know a lick of English, has minimal training, and no formal education, then you’re a loser who probably needs to go get a better job.
30 ROCK has lots but I can only remember a few of Kenneth’s lines:
I have so many favorites, but while watching Zach Galifianakis host SNL I was reminded of one of his jokes that cracks me up whenever I think of it.
Delivered dryly and matter of factly:
Oh, yes, I couldn’t remember this guy’s name, but I remember an opening bit where he walked out, sat down at a keyboard, sat there in silence for several moments while the audience chuckled nervously, and then nonchalantly remarked, ‘‘Don’t worry, I’m hilarious.’’
I just remember thinking, ‘‘This kid is going to get so much ass.’’
I don’t have a single line, but I recently caught Russell Peters on Comedy Central. I haven’t laughed that much at a comedian’s routine in many years.
Something from this Louis C.K. routine. Maybe the bit about his two-year-old starting an “insane deconstuction” of everything he knows - “'Cause if nothing fucking wasn’t there’d be all kinds of shit, like giant ants with top hats dancing around!”
Marty Nadler is a comic who used to write for such illustrious shows as Laverne and Shirley. He now just does standup and is a permanent resident on Martha’s Vineyard.
Keep in mind that MV is an island, and there are no bridges to it.
“I love it when I get off the ferry and they say ‘Thank you for using the Martha’s Vineyard Steamship Authority.’ As opposed to what, the backstroke?!?”
“Crime here is really low. If you steal a car, where are you going to take it? You still have to get on the ferry!”
“The last time there was a bank robbery here was in 1972. A guy walked into a bank and said ‘Give me twenty dollars.’ The teller said ‘Sorry, I’m just the summer help and I don’t know how to do that.’ So he went to the next teller and took twenty dollars from her. When the police arrived, they asked what happened. The teller said ‘Lenny from Chilmark came in and took twenty dollars. He’s across the street having an egg salad sandwich.’”
Chris ROck a little while ago…
“paula abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeves judging a dance contest”…
I love that entire bit.
I don’t remember the comic’s name.
“I don’t want to be drunk in public. I want to be drunk in a bar. They threw me into public. Arrest them!”
Ron White. I love his routine about small planes. “How far’s it gonna take us? All the way to the crash site. But we’ll get there half an hour before the ambulance.”
‘I’ll always know that my dad’s somewhere out there, looking down on me. He’s not dead or anything, just really condescending.’
Forget the guys name - nominated last year as a great line from the Edinburgh festival.
Not recent but he still uses it on his website:
“I love to go down to the playground, and watch the kids running and jumping and screaming. They don’t know I’m only shooting blanks.”
Emo Phillips
No idea who said this but some comedian did and it’s on T-shirts:
“I beat cancer! And by ‘cancer’ I mean ‘my kids’!”
They have that at T-shirt Hell. I may have to get it for my little brother.
I don’t remember the sources of the following:
“I’m a selfish lover. If the condom is ‘ribbed for her pleasure’, I wear it inside out.”
“A *friend *is someone who will help you move. A *best friend *is someone who’ll help you move a body.”