I heard that last one with “A good friend is someone who will help you move on” in the middle.
I definitely just saw this on Jimmy Carr’s Telling Jokes DVD, though the delivery was somewhat different.
“You got a girl back your place and she goes ‘Oh my God. Did we just teleport to a five-star hotel?’ ‘No baby, these are just hotel luxury linens. By the way, the technology for teleportation doesn’t exist yet. You must be kind of stupid.’”
-Aziz Ansari
Anything Louis CK says does it for me. The guy is amazing.
As I look at the plate of cupcakes in my office and am fighting the urge to eat one- I am reminded of his bit about cookies at a party.
It’s not a single line it’s a bit and it’s the most truthful acknowlegment of the difference between people with food issues and people with food issues.
Mitch Hedburg
“I used to do drugs. I still do them, but I used to do them as well.”
Dennis Miller
“If I’m walking funny it’s because earlier today I had a colonoscopy in the Imax format.”
I saw a comedian at a local show recently who made me laugh.
“For Valentine’s Day my girlfriend gave me a book of coupons good for sexual favors. I’ve really been enjoying it. Mostly because there’s this really hot redhead who works at the deli down the street, and the sign on the counter says ‘We accept all competitor’s coupons’.”
On those Comedy Central roasts, I generally don’t like hearing obscure comics roasting each other instead of the star of the roast, but there was one line I liked, said by Kat Williams about Lisa Lampanelli:
“Our next guest has fucked more black men than Equifax.”
My recent favorite is also from Louis C.K. On his newborn daughter:
“I don’t really know her yet. Maybe she hates Jews or something.”
Close, but I remember it as…
“… at this point, I had the right to remain silent… but not the ability.”
J.
She’s also said of herself “I’ve fucked more black men than FEMA.”
I’m glad the OP isn’t “favorite lines from a single comedian.” I have a hard time narrowing things down.
Patton Oswalt describing KFC Bowls as “failure food in a sadness bowl” cracks me up.
I’ve been on a little bit of a Katt Williams jag lately. It’s all funny, but a line that stands out is from some material he does about parenting, particularly in public. He says “That is a toddler. Your baby is supposed to like skittles!” It takes 3 seconds to deliver, but the line evokes a complete and detailed scene in my head.
I was happy to discover Anjelah Johnson on Comedy Central Presents not too long ago. I hope we hear more from her. I don’t have a single line to share that makes any sense out of context. Of what I know I like her material about her family.
Brian Regan, but it was a few years ago on Comedy Central. He did a bit on idiots who need the instructions on the pop-tarts box, my favorite line from that bit was
Another good line was when his doctor told him “and lay off dairy”,
In the movie “There’s Something About Mary” was an exchange that went something like this:
Ben Stiller: “So, how’s life treating you? How’s the family?”
Chris Elliot: “Ah…each day is better than the next.”
(I missed that the first time I saw it, LOLed when I did catch it, it goes by so smoothly easy to miss)
I have actually used that on other people in my life and no one ever picks up on it.
I’ve been watching a bunch of Marc Maron recently. On his John Oliver Friday Night New York Stand Up appearance he had one of the funniest lines I’ve heard in a while.
After making an off-color joke: "I noticed some of you were uncomfortable for a minute there. . . . I’m not a racist . . . I get nervous . . . but I’m not a racist. It’s case by case, it’s not ethnicity specific. It’s just the way I react to things that are different. And I think that’s normal. It’s a normal human reaction to things that are different. It’s doesn’t become racist until you say something like, “Oh my god there’s a lot of them.”
Saw Ron White a few weeks ago. He had a bit where he told a story about a slutty girl coming on to him:
“Do you know the difference between jam & jelly? You can’t jelly your cock up my ass.”
He’s a very bad, very funny man.
OK what’s the funny?
Tricked me too.
Every day is **worse **than the day before.