“One time when I got home I accidentally stuck my car key in the lock on my door. I turned it and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while. A cop pulled me over and asked me where I lived. I said, ‘right here.’”
I used to live on the median strip on the highway. It was great. The only problem was that I had to leave the driveway doing 60.
I think grandfather said “Time to get a new watch.”
“I’m gonna sing a little song I wrote. It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.”
I got into an elevator. I wanted to go to the third floor, so I pressed “three.” An old man got in after me. I asked him where he wanted to go, and he said, “Phoenix.” So I pressed “Phoenix.”
After you look at the watch what are you doing? You’re watching it. heehee
“We lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If we wanted to turn the lights on we had to take a sweater off real quick. If we wanted to run the blender we had to rub balloons on our heads.”
“I have a map of the United States that is actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile. People ask where I live and I say E5.”
“Last summer, I folded it.”
“All Winnie did all day was practice Limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”
“I have a dog; an East German Shepherd. He’s very disciplined.”
“I deliberately had my driver’s license picture taken out of focus, so when I give it to the cop he goes [squints and looks dumbfounded and then gives it back] ‘here.’”
“If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?”
I put spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
Real life SW-ism…
I just bought a house. While we were inspecting it, there was a switch and we couldn’t figure out what it does. We kept flipping it on and off. I said, “Any moment some guy from Germany’s going to call and say ‘Hey! Cut that out!’” Noone got it.
I had a seance to contact my grandfather, but we could get him, no matter how much we tried. Then I remembered he wasn’t dead. So I called him up, and he said, “Thank God it’s you. The phone’s been ringing all day.”
“I went to a restaurant and they had a sign that said ‘We serve breakfast any time.’ So I ordered French toast in the Renaissance.”
“I was omniscient once. But I didn’t know it at the time.”
And the classic:
“My harmonica sounded fantastic.”
I bought a blank tape, went home and played in on my stereo and turned it up full blast. A few minutes later a neighbor came over to complain… He was a mime…
I love 'em! Cracking up here.
Another favorite of mine:
“The other day I bought a phone. The first thing I did was hit ‘redial’.”
Any home made ones?
When Miles Davis performs over seas, do they bill him as Kilometre Davis?
Listening to a tape of “I had a pony” when giving blood. Never felt the needle
“I know when I’m going to die because my birth certificate has an expriation date on it.”
Here’s a real one I pulled on my wife:
One of her pet peeves is people who don’t park correctly in a parking lot (Too close to one side, or crookedly parked in the space). We were on a date and when I parked the car at the restaurant, it was off center on the parking space. She started giving me crap about it and I replied, "Well, I have this disorder that causes people to misjudge the space to park a car. It’s called “Parkinson’s disease”. She almost choked on her gum.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street, and…ooooohhhhhh, that’s much better…
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”
“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.”
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have
film.”
“Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.”
“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”
“Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.”
“When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty
crowded.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely
isn’t for you.”
“You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.”
“I got sent to a minimum security prison…”
“…wiffle ball and chain.”
My cat is named after a steven wrightism:
“Well, they’ve finally discovered who built the pyramids. they’re pretty sure it was a guy named Eddie”
God DAMN it that’s funny.
I also have a switch in my house that turns on lights in Germany. I laugh everytime I walk by it.
jarbaby
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
I got really upset when i turned two, because in one year my age had doubled. I figured that by the time i turned 7 i’d be 90.