Then you like very few people. Weddings, for most people, are about two things: celebration and fund-raising.
So letting people know they can give me cash is kind? Here I thought being kind typically involved some sort of effort!
Call me selfish for not offering others the opportunity to enrich my bank account, but I’m a jerk like that.
Yeah, the only problem with this is that a wedding is not a party like a Superbowl bash, or a dinner soiree is. Those kinds of parties are ones in which you’ve expected to arrive and enjoy someone’s hospitality. Even then, it’s customary to bring something - a bottle of wine, flowers. Furthermore, if someone invites you to a party and you are part of their social circle, at some point you’re supposed to reciprocate. (See what happens if you attend someone’s lavish parties a number of times and you don’t invite them over. You probably won’t see those invites coming quite as frequently.)
In pretty much every culture I’ve observed, the wedding functions on some level to help the couple start a life together. Sometimes it’s done with gifts, other times it’s done with money. That’s part of the reason that weddings tend to be elaborate: it’s standard and expected that you will bring a gift, typically one that took you some time and expense to obtain. The least the family can do is make sure you get a nice meal out of it.
And of course there are some exceptions.
Let me get this straight: You are already spending a lot of money to attend this wedding. It won’t be a problem for you to spend a modest amount of money for a gift, a gift card, or the equivalent in cash. At that point they have the obligation to send you a thank-you card. They have no business ever mentioning to you whether the present you gave was one they really wanted. By traveling a long way to their wedding and giving them a modest present, you have done everything one is expected to do. Anyone so insensitive as to mention that they didn’t like your present doesn’t deserve your friendship. On the other hand, you shouldn’t mention to them that you don’t like to be asked for money. Quit overthinking this. They haven’t fatally wounded you by mentioning that they would prefer cash.
Why do you assume they would suddenly observe these particular social conventions when evidence thus far is what it is?
Why would I decide they were undeserving of my friendship because they told me they didn’t like a present I gave them, but asking me for money gets a pass?
And what difference does it make whether I do what is expected or they mention liking or not liking my present? As long as confrontation is avoided, then all is well? I guess a lot of people do think that way, but I’m a more concerned about the larger implications than avoiding an awkward moment that might or might not happen.
Hippy Hollow, that’s not what I think of weddings at all. I give a gift because I want to, not as part of some weird trade of merchandise or cash for food. For one thing, if I attended a wedding and did not bother to give a gift, the bride and grooms feelings might be hurt. I like to picture them opening the box or envelope and smiling. It’s not an admission cost, it’s a token of good wishes.
No. Treating them well, trying to help when you can, and being tolerant of them is kind.
AnaMen writes:
> Why would I decide they were undeserving of my friendship because they told
> me they didn’t like a present I gave them, but asking me for money gets a pass?
Because asking for money is common enough these days that it’s possible to understand why they might do it. I don’t like the idea. You don’t like the idea. But it happens, and they might just be clueless about the fact that some people don’t like the idea of asking for money. Actually telling you that you did something wrong when you spent a lot of money to travel to their wedding and gave them a nice but modest gift goes a step beyond that. I wouldn’t actually refuse to ever see them again if I were in such a situation, but I would seriously think about why I was hanging out with people who seemed to be so mercenary about what should be a matter of friendship.
And further writes:
> Why do you assume they would suddenly observe these particular social
> conventions when evidence thus far is what it is?
Because, I’ve said above, asking for money instead of a gift isn’t, in today’s society, that big a faux pas. As you should have noticed by now from some of the replies on this thread, people do it. You and I don’t like it, but many people think it’s O.K. It’s not worth worrying about. Like it or not, we all have to fit ourselves into present-day society, and asking for cash rather than presents is, alas, one part of present-day society.
Yes, the replies do indicate that some people do it, but they also indicate that some people don’t. I have no reason that the group consisting of “people who read this message board and feel inclined to post their approval of requesting cash as a wedding gift” is a representative sample of the population as a whole.
Someone on here actually said that “being practical is never tacky.” That’s the thinking on the side of the supposed “majority,” so if the minority is a dwindling few, I’d rather try to change that than give up and decide that a tipping point has been reached.
If “present-day society” is doing something wrong, I don’t have to go along with it.
That’s the kind of thing that makes otherwise harmless, perfectly benevolent (or at least genial) mad scientists decide to go full Totenkopf.
This really is a no-win for the couple who are getting married or whatever.
I’m getting married in 22 days (but who’s counting), and the gift thing was something that my beloved and I actually argued about.
We are a blended adult household, we don’t need more stuff. We have more stuff than we need and are trying to get rid of stuff. We both work at good paying jobs, and don’t need money. Heck, we have a newly repaired house in a different state that we are trying to give away. (long story that, and not a stealth brag)
But our guests are going to want to give us gifts. It would be churlish of us to not allow them to do that. When Bill set up our wedding webpage, after lots of “talking” between us, the banner says “We only want your presence, not presents” and at the bottom of the page, there is a link to our registry. That was as close as we could agree about the mentioning gifts thing.
The argument was because I didn’t want to mention gifts at all anywhere, and Bill knew that people were going to give us stuff so we should make it easy for them. We are the hosts, and its our responsibility to anticipate our guests’ desires and try to accommodate them as best we can.
As it happens, most people are sending checks with their RSVP cards.
So, while I think that asking for money on an invite is tacky, I do understand why people would do it.
“Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.”
The Boxer (Paul Simon)
AnaMen, I support your point Just because a behavior has become more common does not make it acceptable to the rest of us. I love giving gifts because they have meaning - these people don’t seem to deserve the personal touch so maybe they deserve such a cold gift of cash (only you have to know how cold it is). Please think twice about ending your friendship over this. I agree, it’s horrible behavior but I have to admit that I’ve behaved horribly and my friends forgave me.
So you were convinced that observing the longstanding rule of etiquette that one not mention gifts on is somehow actually rude and churlish? And the compromise was to put contradictory information stating that you don’t want gifts and also here’s where to buy them and what to get?
The result is people following neither instruction and sending checks. What do you suppose would have happened if you had not mentioned gifts at all, as per traditional decency?
Understanding WHY people behave like this is not difficult. It’s to get money.
It’s not to avoid being “churlish.” That’s absurd.
If you didn’t want an answer, why the fuck did you ask? Anyway, as far as tradition goes, Wendell has it exactly right: gifts are part of the social convention attaching to weddings. God forbid people should tell you what will help them most in their new life together.
Wait until everybody starts getting invitations to their kids friends birthday parties and the link to their registration at ToysRUs is included. :rolleyes:
Sometimes getting a gift that you never thought to ask for can be the best gift. Part of the fun of receiving gifts is unwrapping them and being surprised.
Maybe I’m just getting old. 
I know its in bad taste, but I wonder if this could be clipped & sent with the RSVP?
I wanted to see if anyone had anything to say on the subject that would cause me to see it in a different light.
It’s not God that forbids it, but good manners, and as far as “helping” the newlyweds goes, I’m in the habit of helping those that need help–sick people, hungry people, homeless animals, etc. What is it about getting married that shifts people into this category? This is not a forced marriage between reluctant and desperate parties as a last-ditch effort to scrape up enough cash for cancer treatments.
Believe it or not, there are reasons to invite people to come to events and to offer them free food and to give them presents that don’t have anything to do with charity. A couple getting married invites their guests to the wedding and the reception and gives them a nice dinner (or snacks, at least) because they respect those people. The wedding is a happy day for them, and they would like to share their happiness with friends and relatives who they respect. The guests are glad that the couple are sharing their happy day, so they want to give them a small present that shows their respect toward them. If you feel no respect toward other people, elope when you get married and turn down all wedding invitations in the least obtrusive manner you can. Just don’t think that you can ignore the rules of our society and have people praise you for it.
If that had ever actually worked out for me I might agree with you, but I can’t remember the last time I got a surprise gift that suited me, or was useful to me, or was fun for me at all. Some years ago my cousin’s girlfriend felt sorry for me for going through chemo, so bought me a teddy bear from the hospital gift shop… that was two feet tall, white and pale pink and fluffy (it actually shed fluff constantly, agh), and played music if you looked at it funny. It would have been an appropriate gift for a 5-year-old, but I was a couple decades past that. I smiled and said thank you, then when she left I took the batteries out and shoved it in the back of the closet. It never saw the light of day again until I moved, when I checked with the family grapevine to ensure the girlfriend was no longer in the picture, and it got tossed in a trash bin.
My brother’s GF does this too. I so fervently wish she’d keep her money and spend it on diapers for their kids, but EVERY winter holiday season she buys me a basket of frou-frou smelly lotions, shave gel, razors, bath gel… none of which I use or even can use because both my skin and my nose have become sensitive enough that artificial fragrances in skincare cause me issues, I was never girly to begin with, and I prefer and get better results from natural products (like straight-up almond oil). The last bath kit remained unopened in the closet for over a year before I figured I would never have anyone to regift it to (I don’t hang out with super girly girls either), and it got donated to a thrift shop. I got another one last winter, which I have tried to use because it wouldn’t fit in my luggage without breaking down the packaging, but the smell is overpowering and I’m leery of having the hives return because once they flare up it takes FOREVER to heal completely – no exaggeration, this is the first time in two years I am almost entirely hive-free. At least the basket was nice.
My mom and sister have the right idea. They ask what I want a few weeks ahead of time, I give them a list with as much of a range of options as I can think of, along with saying I don’t need them to get me anything. I typically handcraft something for them.
So yeah, while I like the fantasy of a surprise gift, the reality just doesn’t work out that way, and I end up feeling really bad that they wasted money on that gift. I would honestly prefer they give nothing than give me something I can’t use. (I can’t convince my family to go this route, however. I’ve tried.)
So, if a friend of yours asked you to babysit/pet sit/drive them to pick up their car from the mechanics/help them move a couch, you’d tell them to fuck off because they’re not needy enough? Is that what friendship means to you?
There are not only two categories of ‘people who desperately need help or they’ll die’ and ‘people who don’t need any help whatsoever’ with this wide empty gulf in between. My friends have picked up packages for me, looked after my cat while I was out of town, helped me cook meals, kept my spirits up when I was sick, have spotted me 20 bucks for transit, have given me advice, taught me things and mentored me, let me crash on their couch because I couldn’t afford a hotel, stayed on the phone with me for 5 hours straight while my cat was dying in the middle of the night… and I thank all the gods that they never thought that I wasn’t needy enough to deserve what help they could give.
There are different levels of need – of course there are. They may not be starving, but a part of friendship is helping each other out every once in a while.
I was referring to Really Not All That Bright’s statement, “God forbid people should tell you what will help them most in their new life together,” not a general reluctance to help people.
There’s a big difference between “Would you mind watching Spot while I’m away?” and “I’m going to need $60 from you for a pet sitter.”
I’m such a sucker that someone actually only has to say “I don’t know what I’ll do with Spot while I’m away, because I don’t have enough for a petsitter” and I will nearly always happily offer to petsit or lend them the needed funds.
I like to open gifts, so can I have a “present party” for myself and invite people over for some hors d’oeuvres? It would be a great help to me to receive a tower of fancy packages, and I’d get the added bonus that I would have the pleasure of having done a favor for others by providing them with the opportunity to do this for me. Or do I have to be willing to accept cash also, because that’s so much easier for people than shopping? I guess I’ll print all the giving options on my invitations, so as not to be selfish.