Mrs. Charming and Rested and I were talking yesterday about just how bad some of the heads of U.S. government agencies are. Then we talked about how John Legend has been doing a great job of politely pointing out how boneheaded Kanye West is. In the end, we started kicking around some random celebrities who could more capably serve government than current appointees.
Living people only since corpses don’t do well in confirmation hearings. No people who are famous because they are authors, politicians, or sports figures. The real qualified candidates are all authors with in-depth expertise so that’s cheating a little. Judging by the last election, people don’t want politicians in government. No athletes because I don’t know who they are and I don’t want to look them up.
Some suggestions we settled on:
Head of FEMA - Steve Buscemi, former New York firefighter who volunteered in his old firehouse after 9/11.
Robert Redford - Administrator of the EPA due to his noteworthy environmentalism.
Neil deGrasse-Tyson - NASA administrator (beating out nominee Elon Musk, who is insane to believe that it will be easier to live on Mars than on Earth at any point in the foreseeable future).
Bill Nye - Head of National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (we were short on scientists and he believes in climate change)
Ken Jeong - Surgeon General (there really aren’t many doctor celebrities. Mayim Bialik almost qualifies but endorses crazy health theories).
Jennifer Lopez - Small Business Administration (years of entrepreneurialism that we both respect. Close runner up - JayZ for basically the same reason).
Oprah Winfrey - Ambassador to the U.N., because she is great at a selling a vision.
Ted Turner - Secretary of State for committing to international diplomacy by giving $1 billion to the U.N. (Shirley Temple Black was sadly disqualified because she is dead).
Warren Buffet - Secretary of the Treasury (probably cheating because he’s not really an entertainer).
Bill Gates - Director of the U.S. Agency for International Development (really cheating because he is the least entertaining person on this list).
Stricken from our list: Harrison Ford for the head of the FAA. Sure, he’s a pilot but two crashes and one landing on a taxiway instead of the runway disqualified him. Other pilot candidates seem to believe that flying will get them closer to Xenu, so we disqualified them too.
Haha, I like this concept. The only problem with Robert Redford is that he’s too old. Sadly, the other day I saw him in something and thought, “he’s a good candidate for the Death Pool.” I hope he can hang in there, but whoever is in charge of the EPA should have longevity and youth.
Elon Musk is a good candidate for NASA, better than Tyson because he has Howard Hughes-like ambitions and that is what we desperately need, we need dreamers, even ones with wacky dreams.
Bill Nye is not an actual scientist by trade at all, so if we’re going strictly celebrities, why not go full Zissou with Bill Murray?!
HUD - Edward Norton. He is on the board of an organization that “works with partners nationwide to finance, build and advocate for affordable housing for low- and moderate-income families.” It was started by his grandfather.
You could stock the positions with the musicians’ daily shits and it would still make for better government than the GOP. That’s not hyperbole either; the current personnel are so actively incompetent and hell-bent on sabotage that to have nobody occupy their positions is a better outcome for the country.
Haven’t seen Tim lately so I don’t know what kind of shape he’s in, but if he’s still got the form he used to have this would make WH briefings awesome.
What about the post at the top? Ignoring party affiliation for the moment (because declaring for one party will immediately draw opposition from the other one), I can think of a perfect candidate to unite the country:
a woman, but one with unimpeachable red-state credentials;
a wealthy businessperson but one who worked her way up from the bottom and has not forgotten it;
someone kind, with charities devoted to helping the poorest section of society, but in a way that helps them to help themselves rather than just giving them handouts;
someone who is tough-minded and determined, but is also able to laugh at herself without seeing it as a weakness;
someone who appeals to both the staunchest religious conservative and the most flamboyant drag queen; and
someone who might be underestimated by the rest of the world at first, but not for long.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you - President Dolly Parton.
I meant to ask everyone which entertainers they would nominate if they were president. Clearly, I failed.
She is a pretty good choice. She seems like a decent person. A working moral compass is a good quality for a president, perhaps even the most important one.
