Stop Forwarding Me Every Damn Email You Get!

Hi, I’m a semi literate Nigerian who knows someone who died called Mrs. Bean - hey this could actually work!

But if you register here you’ve won the chance to win a chance to enter a lotto that you are already entered for because your number came up even though you didn’t enter anything. Please reply to the address below for information to claim your prize

Some years back after somewhat unwisely forwarding some nonsenese I received teh following, i dont send nonsense on anymore except for this.
Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Walt Disney is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you?

Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS: Chain Letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn’t that fun? :slight_smile: Hope you made a great wish :slight_smile: Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here’s how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sendingthem a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house. Thanks!!!
Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to
5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works:

Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!! Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.


A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like you’ve been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of arseholes, A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself, A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life, A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs, A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…

  • no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Pamela. Right? Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll find all your underwear missing tomorrow morning.

I hate it when the 7 people that have my address send it to me, and I only have 7 of the 12 names to send it back to… so some of them get it twice.

I think part of the problem with these chain letters is that some people actually BELIEVE that money is being donated and that the chain letter has been going on since 1905, etc. If we educate more people about why nothing important is ever in a chain letter, or just let people know how computers work. Then i think more of the ignorance will be gone

Because really, some of my dumber friends believe in some of this.

And the scary part is those that believe that Microsoft/AOL/Chilis will actually send them a gift cert or money for doing it…

cause, it “can’t hurt, just in case, ya know” afterall, the email says they saw it on the news!

What I really like is my one friend (or “friend”) who sends his glurge to both my home e-mail and my work e-mail. Because, you know, it would be terrible if I didn’t get that video clip than takes 43 minutes to download on my dial-up connection…

Terminate with extreme prejudice! Add their e-mail address to your spam filter and let them know you’re doing so. Do it the first time they send you a forward. Most people will wise up pretty fast.

Use your ISP’s web-based email site first, and you can delete emails that you know you’re not going to want to download. My MIL had this problem with a friend sending tons of this shit, and her email would usually hang up on her trying to download all of it.

Oh god, I work with someone like this. She sits next to me, in one of those open cubicle type office settings.

She’s more obnoxious than any forwarded e-mail could possibly be, so not only does she forward the e-mails to me, but she has every e-mail she sends request a read receipt. Even the stupid forwards. So it comes to my inbox, and usually I delete it immediately - I have a 60MB limit on my work e-mail, and it’s almost always near full with student submissions & whatnot. And she screeches, “This e-mail was deleted without being read?! Why’d you delete it?! It’s FUNNY!!!”

bangs head against desk

The worst part is, I’m a fast reader, so even if I DO read the glurgy e-mails she sends me, and delete them after I’ve read them, she still gets the “message deleted without being read” notification (I think you have to read a message for 2 minutes before Outlook realises it has been read…)! So I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t!

bangs now-bloody head against desk harder

I’d better stop now before this turns into a massive rant no longer addressing the issue of forwarded e-mails…


My standard reply to this type of thread:

The Internet Soapbox

If you have a minute or two, it helps to look up the offending virus alert/urgent petition/consumer-product-will-make-your-eyes-fall-out warning on Snopes. I look up even apparently legit stuff there all the time. Once you find it, reply-all with the link and a one-line “this is bullshit, morons. Click here for info.” If you like, you can state it more nicely. It is fun and educational!

This has done a good job training my friends and family to avoid the urge to glurge. Or at least to avoid me.