Live-in maids, then, are reserved for those blended families where a lovely lady who was busy with three very lovely girls marries a man named Brady busy with three boys of his own?
About the live-in maid. I had never heard of live-in maids (except on tv of course) when I lived in central california… however, we then moved to el paso, tx which for those of you without a map is RIGHT on the border…as in I can drive 5 minutes and be in mexico. Everything is different here. Many mexican women come over to the U.S. looking for a job, and working in a nice house with nice living arrangements is NOT a bad deal. So taking that into account, and the fact that immigrant wkers don’t tend t be at the highest endof the payscale (if they’re on the books at all), they are willing to accept a wage which makes it unbelievably practical to have a live-in maid. My family when we moved here (and my dad was in the army) had a live-in maid for the first year, I suppose it was too much to resist for a mom who’d been doing everything herself for so long, until one day when my parents realized she’d been hording some of our possessions in her room, and then my mom decided live-ins weren’t for us. In middle school and high school, I would say more than 25% of the kids i knew had a live-in maid. Its not because I only knew rich people, its justa totally different economic situation here.
Perhaps I could have been more lenient on this lady, but over the years she in particular has REALLY gotten on my nerves. Between the way she treats her kid, the way she treats my brothers, and the way she treats me, I really have a hard time seeing much good in her, though I’m sure there’s some there. She is so unbelievably disrespectful that it just makes me fume whenever I have to talk to her, and this being the pit I felt I could rant about it. She is not the only one who acts this way, but she is by far the epitome.
Now I must go restart this computer before this lag kills me.
Well, seeing as your analysing Middle-aged suburban house-wives and doing such a good job, how about you analyse my situation. I live in a small town in Scotland, (very small) where none of the mothers I know can afford to not work never mind have live in maids, but they still do the “parties” bit (god knows where they get the time) so, whats your thoughts? BTW, how old are you? You seem to have grasped a vast amount of life knowledge, no sweeping generalizations or anything :rolleyes:
BTW I grew up in South Africa, we had a maid, my mom never worked (she would then be your classic example of a bored suburban housewife) but we never had birthday parties.
Kaje writes:
> I can’t begin to count how many of my brothers’ friends’
> moms came to me through my high school years to “help”
> their kids with science projects. What this ammounted to
> was a month or so every year of moms calling me up to
> give them a topic, do background research, design the
> experiment, and then once the kid had taken his picture
> with enough apparatus, analyze the results and try to
> explain them to the mom (which was often harder than
> explaining them to the kid).
Forget about characterizing suburban mothers. Why did you allow yourself to be exploited in this way? No one - not a parent, not a neighborhood teenager asked to help by the parent, not anyone - should be doing a science project for a child. Even “helping” the child should be limited to pointing him or her to some possible ideas for the project.
I suppose I can understand how you could get suckered into doing this once. A parent might ask you to “give the kid a little help” and before you realized it the parent was expecting you to do the project for the kid. A sort of comparable case: I remember a time in college when a fellow student in a class asked me to discuss with him an essay that we all had to do. I started telling him the things that I would be including on the essay. I didn’t realize that he was taking notes so he could copy my essay as closely as possible. O.K., that was my stupidity for not realizing that he wasn’t someone interested in co-operative learning. He was just a cheater.
Doing a child’s homework for him or her is cheating. So is doing his or her science project. You shouldn’t have allowed these parents to repeatedly sucker you into doing science projects for their kids.
Amen, sister.
I solved this problem this year. Uncharacteristically, I did have a 2nd birthday party for Cranky Jr. But I made it a “NO GIFTS” party. I was worried some people wouldn’t comply, thereby making those who did feel cheap or tricked. So I asked that people who wanted to, bring a book or some art supplies, which we’d donate to an area low-income nursery school.
It was great–we got to help an organization which needed it, and I didn’t end up taking home a lot of toys that Cranky Jr didn’t need. And best of all, I felt comfortable inviting people that I normally wouldn’t ask to this sort of thing. I mean, I have a lot of friends with kids, but we’re not in each others’ shower/gift-giving circles, you know? Since I wasn’t asking for gifts, I felt comfortable asking them to come.
We also made it fun for them for doing a party at a Petting Farm. We prepaid everyone’s admission and had lunch for everyone (it’s part of the party fee there). So our celebration ended up being a nice family event for the people we invited. I’ve never felt better about a party! When we planned this, I thought maybe it was only the sort of thing you can do when your kid is too little to care about gifts. But having done it once, I want to do this every year. When Cranky Jr gets older, he can better appreciate the fun of taking all the donations to the agency afterward.
Let’s see, Keith, how deep have you dug yourself this time?
As far as my age, there are threads where I’ve mentioned it, and if anybody is really a dickhead you can find it and criticize me for it. I will just say this, I know fathers who are my age. I will also say this, as I am significantly older than my youngest brother, and my parents have not always been around, at times I’ve assumed the role of “psuedo-parent”. My mom has on many occassions come to me and ask what to do. My youngest brother can be a complete twit and yet somehow I manage to get through to him. Am I a superdad or will I be a superdad? That’s certainly not for me to say. However I know I can do a better job than many apathetic, disinterested, and uninvolved parents out there (And don’t tell me they don’t exist, I’ve seen them everywhere).
I didn’t say the party thing was solely a construct of the bored suburban housewife, merely than there is a specific type of behavior involving both bored suburban housewives and parties that is relatively consistent, let alone destructive. Are all suburban housewives bored? No. Are all bored suburban housewives who throw parties doing it for the reasons I’ve described? No.
As for the science-fair deal. I’ll be the first to admit that in my fuming I did exaggerate. It was primarily limited to 2 mothers and happened 2 years in a row. As I said, it started out with providing an idea, then I get the middleaged woman equivalent of puppy-dog eyes asking that I provide further assistance. At the time I was not even completely aware of the exploitation or the disservice I was doing the kids. When it comes to things like this I’ve been known to be a push-over of sorts.
Now, I’ve conceded about as far as I’m going to on this, so further hostility will not be met with much consideration.
Kaje, what you need to concede is that you over-generalized from a small, atypical sample. It’s something we have all done here, and we’ve all had to back down.
Growing up, I always had crazy mad lavish birthday parties. Okay, maybe not that lavish- but forty people at the roller skating rink wasn’t all that unusual. Funny thing is, I always wanted a simple party in the park (an impossibility considering my birthday is in December). My family is big on celebrations. We are a bunch of dour mostly non-religious folk most of the year, and every once in a while we need to break loose. We also use celebrations as…umm…familial wealth redistribution. Gifts allow the wealthier parts of the family to help out the not-so-wealthy parts, but without resorting to outright handouts. This spirit of sharing is one of the things I love about my family.
Still, I was aghast a few weeks ago when I passed a birthday party that had both a clown and a bounce house. The poor kids didn’t know what to pay attention to, because there was so much going on. Furthermore, there was a satalite party going on in which the mothers of the children invited stood around eating luxerious catered food. What is up with that?
Our culture had a cult of the kid- but it is for reasons of commerce. Kids (like weddings and vacations) have been turned into giant spend-a-thons. Marketers use fear and guilt to get us to buy. People are made to fear that if they don’t buy X and Y, then they are going to screw up their kids life, and you wouldn’t want to do that, would you? The whole idea that your kid should have “the best of everything” is a ploy to seperate your money from your wallet. It is a highly sucessful one, too, judgeing from the baby magazines that I have seen.
Kaje, I’ll give you some support. Each and every one of us has some experience related to childbearing- our own childhoods. The moment you are old enough to recognize that your parents are normal human beings and begin to understand how they went about raising you, you have some authority to talk about parenting. Don’t let anyone bull you into thinking that your experiences are somehow less valid than theirs.
And yes, I have seen some of Kaje’s bored housewife syndrome. No, not with all housewives, but yes, it does happen. I knew one mother that would drive halfway across town to deliver a sandwich to her high school(!) aged kid on demand. I knew another that would sew new curtains for the entire house on a bi-monthly basis. Housewives arn’t bad, but I have seen cases where their activities bordered on the ridiculous.
Back to the OP, I do seem to have seen an increase in lavish birthday parties over the past several years. To put it simply, I think this has to do with conspicious consumption (and the aforementioned kid-worship). Some people who are pretty well off have the money to spend and want to flaunt it, and some other people who aren’t well off want to give their kids the same things, even if they’re stupid things. You have to keep up, after all.
Eventually, when most of the people around you are doing it, you get to thinking that this is a normal, even necessary part of childhood.
Obviously this is not something I subscribe to–our kid just turned one, and we had the family over for a BBQ and an upside-down cake. We got her a couple kid-music CD’s to listen to. (My in-laws did go a little nuts; we told them baby G didn’t need anything, but they insisted, so we said, oh well, she could use a couple summer playsuits, and no dresses! So of course, we got 12 outfits, including a dress. But they are from consignment stores, so it’s not so bad.) Luckily for me, many of my friends and family are of the same minimalist persuasion, so I don’t get the pressure. But I can see where many people do get pressured and feel that they have to do this kind of thing.
And, BTW, kaje, I’m a stay-at-home suburban mom, and I’m busier than can be believed possible. I fill up the day very well indeed, thank you. And I only have one so far!
First, one very disturbing thing about this thread leaps out at me. Lucretia is NOT middle aged. I know this because she’s my age, and I am not middle aged either. She also happens to be a RL friend, and I can tell you she does a fantastic job of raising the kids, works and studies hard, and is sexier than a room full of Playboy Playmates oiling each other up “just for fun”.
Second, while I agree with the blanket condemnation of the attitude of viewing a child’s birthday as a competition, I find the smug attitude that spending a lot of money on such an event always means this is so to be inaccurate. If people have the money, why not spend it on the kids? No, don’t spoil them, but for special occasions, I see nothing wrong with spending apropriate to your means. If you had the money, would you spend $20 million to go into space? I sure would. How about $400 million for a house like Bill Gates? Why not? It’s the sense of occasion that’s important- a birthday party is a celebration of the child- you are important. As long as that’s the focus, I see nothing different between a wealthy family renting the country club, hiring caterers and a guy in a Barney costume for entertainment and a trip to Chuck-E-Cheese that a working class family might have. It’s illogical to hate the rich for being rich-unless they have that attitude of entitlement. Then let 'em have it.
pkbites I had my first ride on a bike at 6 or so. I can see being pissed at having yourself offered as a reward to a child when you hadn’t said you would, but 6 isn’t too young (MHO only). Just don’t go out on the freeway.
I didn’t say he was too young, I said he was too little.
He’s tiny. I think too tiny to safely ride on a big bike.
We try to keep our kids’ birthday parties simple. Meet at the community swimming pool and order a pizza kind of thing. What kills me is over-orchestrated birthday parties at which parents hover over their respective kids, “helping them” have fun. One time I went to one where they tried to play games like we did when we were little: pin the tail on the donkey and musical chairs. But they didn’t work. Because these parents changed the rules so as not to hurt the kids’ self esteem! In musical chairs, they had enough chairs for all the kids. So nobody would lose. It didn’t seem fun and the parents couldn’t figure out why. Then they praised the kids, no matter where they put the tail on the donkey while blindfolded, “Well, that looks good on his head. Maybe it’s a ribbon…” It was ridiculous.
My favorite children’s birthday parties have been the ones I’ve been to thrown by Latino friends. They toss the kids, a bunch of balloons, toys and kids’ food in one room or the yard and the parents have grown-up music, food AND grown-up drink in the other room. Everybody has fun without kids being harassed by grown-ups and without adults being harried by their kids.
I was just reading along, and got to JillGat’s comment and it made me want to scream. I have seen this exact same thing at parties my kids go to.
I agree. It is not damaging to a child’s self-esteem to lose at Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey!!! It’s not a ribbon; you pinned it in the wrong place! On his head! It looks funny! Okay, who’s turn is next?
I’ve seen the Musical Chairs thing, too. The whole freaking point of Musical Chairs is to remove the chairs one by one.
Sometimes you lose…learn to deal with it.
Just FTR, my daughters’ birthdays are two days apart. This year, they each got to invite two friends over for a sleep-over, then the next day we all (friends included) went to the pool, and they got to buy lunch at the pool (a big deal in itself).
Heh. Had a party this past weekend for the little Sauronites. Got an inflatable pool and two sprinklers set up in the backyard and grilled out hot dogs (those nasty little pink ones that only kids eat). Invited all the neighborhood kids. Whole thing cost us about $200, including the presents for the three kids. Everybody had a blast.
Ok I’ve run into some trouble accessing these boards in the past couple days and when I got back on I forgot about this thread, so here goes.
My original comment that got all the ranting started was a side-comment I hadn’t put much thought into, but what followed does apply to the admittedly small sample of that group that I’ve been exposed to. Since I don’t live a rediculously priveledged or extraordinary life, it did not seem to outrageous to extend this to a larger portion of the demographic group with which I’d had no personal experience. Yes this group has live-in maids but not because they are excedingly wealthy, but merely because of the economic and geographic circumstances of the place we live. My observations are not the end-all and be-all of american life, but as at least one other person (even seven) has mentioned, it is also not, in all aspects, limited to the group I have been exposed to.
If I offended people, I’m sorry. I still can’t tell whether the posters to this board are all-too representative of the general populace or only of a relatively intellectual and sharp-witted crowd. It’s always nice to see counter-examples to overly broad generalizations, though I don’t know that this necessarilyl makes the generalization entirely useless.
I’d like to say that sometimes it really is a competition. A person doesn’t have to be female, middle-aged or high income to become a competitive parent.
My sister (who does not meet anyone standards of middle-class. In fact most people would say she was poor.) spent what was a fortune for her renting a community hall, buying food, candy, soda, decorations and everything else throwing a big birthday bash entails. For her daughter’s 1st birthday.
Why? Well, certainly not for her daughter, who slept through most of it and cried during the parts when she was awake. It was to show everyone what an excellent mother she was.
I try to make the anniversary of my kid’s birth a special day for them. Never special enough for 3 parties, however. They’re not that special!
I agree that some of the parents go completely overboard. When I was growing up, I had a “major” birthday party (family and friends coming over with presents) for major milestones (1,5,13,16,21). The other years I was allowed to invite a few friends over for a slumber party the weekend following my birthday (no presents).
Seemed reasonable to me and that is how I am doing birthdays with my children. With the added bonus that I send cupcakes into school on their birthday (or 1/2 birthday in the case of my youngest who has a summer birthday).
Of course, I’m a suburban housewife so what do I know? 
Maybe she was cultivating her friends. In some communities, most people are struggling, but they share what they have. For instance, Sally would go to Deborah’s to borrow an egg, because everyone in their group knows what it’s like to be one egg short and not having the time to go to the store, or the money for even a half-dozen before payday, or, especially here in California, the gas money to get to the store. So Deborah cheerfully lends the egg, and two days later when her vacuum bag is full, Sally lends Deborah her sweeper.
In other words, these women lean on each other, emotionally as well as domestically, and when someone has a Big Day, they want to include everyone.
oh well kaje I guess I can just sit back and watch you do it all perfectly when you breed
Amazing how expert people are before they have kids isn’t it?
I must interject here to gently slap Primaflora’s hand: ‘When’ you breed? ‘Before’ you have kids? Please do not assume that everyone is either a parent or a future parent. Reproduction is a choice and can be prevented by those who wish to prevent it. The assumption that ‘everyone’ has kids, or will some day, creates a heavy social pressure to ‘breed’(your word). Thus, many people who are ill suited to raising kids go ahead and do it anyway, because they hear over and over and over again, from every corner of society, people saying “when you have kids…”
Not everyone is a parent. Not everyone is straight, Christian, a registered voter, of Euro ancestry or likes hamburgers. ‘Most’ does not mean ‘all’.
/off soapbox/
I have to second a couple of thoughts —
Gifts - bah humbug. Hate giving them. Hate getting them.
Some people make a bigger deal of celebrations, right on. My husbands family is a birthday family. Go out to dinner, exchange gifts, have a party, talk about it for a month before…very big deal.
My mother generally remembers to send a card within two weeks - sometimes early, sometimes late.
It frustrates my mother-in-law to no end that I don’t jump on the birthday bandwagon for my own birthday. And it frustrates me to no end that she won’t leave me alone on mine.
Also, regarding “road show” birthday parties for kids…sometimes parents feel roped into having them. The kids want a friends party, grandma and grandpa and all the rellys need a party…(doesn’t sound like its the case here, but it happens).