stopping little thieves

The BBQ Pit
1

Ok folks, this is my first post, so bare with me…

So I’m sitting at my computer in my parents nice house in a pre-fab central Virginia neighborhood, checking out the Straight Dope, when what do I see out of the corner of my eye? Some little bastards walking around my car. Three days prior these little cumguzzling ape dildos jammed a fucking screwdrive in my passenger side doorlock trying to get at my cd player, and decided it would be a good idea to rip the damn trim off of my fucking doors. The lame-ass chesterfield county police decided that they could do nothing unless something was stolen, yada yada yada…
What the fuck are they thinking? I ran out of my garage door with a bat, realized these little pircks are only fourteen or fifteen, and wished to god that I was a few years younger. These kids live in $150,000+ houses and probably make more money than I do sucking mommys tit for allowance every week, and they decide to steal MY hard earned car audio accessories???WTF???
I’m trying to decide what to do with them when I catch them, and I would love to hear your input.

Idea number one (the outrageous one): Catch them, tie them up, strip them buck naked, and knock them out. Feed them a VERY large quantity of LSD (ok, fine, I’m a deadhead, sue me) and superglue their testicles to the floor. When they come to, they’ll find a knife glued to one hand, and a large, well fueled fire in the corner of the room.
Since this probably won’t happen, what with me lacking the proper resources, I’ve come up with another plan…

Idea number two: Catch them, beat them unmercifully for quite some time, tie them up, etc. Call their parents, tell them that their children are bound and gagged and laying in a ditch in front of a neighborhood, with a detailed note of each child’s offenses stapled to his chest.

Any other great ideas? Traps? Torture? I’m up for anything!

(note to the readers: this post was compiled in haste, while quite angry. Please don’t hold it against me;)

2

I’m all for Idea #1, even if it would get you put in jail. On the other hand, another possibility would be that when they recount the story to the police, it will sound so utterly insane they’d rather lock these kids up in the looney bin than look for a guy who “superglued their balls to the floor”.

Ah well. It’s your hide, not mine.

3

Hey there . Welcome to the boards.Did you ever think of getting them on video tape?

4

thanks.
videotape would be out of the question for a few reasons.
The light isn’t that good, I don’t have a camera, you probably wouldn’t be able to see their faces, and it just ain’t painful enough!
Call me sadistic…but damn I’d love to teach these brats a lesson.

5

How about a combo (with hats off to American Pie 2):
Buck naked, right hand superglued to testicles, left hand to (or in) bodily orifice of your choice. Then in a ditch or tied to a tree with signs.

Also, you may wish to try this:
1)Secure a length of natural gas pipe (about 18" will do it). Wrap 6-8" of it with non-slip grip tape. Have ready in place to grab as you run outside (note: place pipe in belt or pants behind you for concealability).
2)Proceed out to confront said little gentlemen when they are screwing with your property. Have either a bucket of water with clothes dye it it or hose with water available.
3) Douse the offenders while using foul language and taunts.
4) When they come after for doing this, produce the pipe and break whatever piece of their anatomy comes to hand first.
5) Repeat step four as necessary.
In the event that step 3 does not lead to step 4 (They flee, they argue and yell without closing) at least you have ruined their clothes and you can proceed to call their parents to let them know why their loving sons are wet and/or marked with dye. (An interesting varient is to have stink weed water on hand for the dousing)

A third option: Get some of your biker friends to beat the piss out of the youngsters while reciting to them “Don’t you ever fucking touch another man’s machine…”

Have a great day, mine’s happier now.

6

Rig up a stungun to the body panels somehow.

7

If they ripped the trim off your car doors, can’t you get 'em for property damage or vandalism or something? You’ll have to prove they did it, of course, and this form of punishment won’t satisfy your bloodlust, but it’s better than doing something stupid and illegal just to “teach them a lesson”.

And just out of curiosty, is there a reason you can’t park your car in your garage?

8

I’d park in the garage, but I live with my parents, therefore their cars have priority over garage space.

The police can’t do a damn thing without identities, unless they happen to run across some late-night vandals in my neighborhood, and in that case I would assume it would take a confession to actually get them in trouble. Very unlikely.

On the other hand, I’ll be perfectly calm in the morning. I’ve already decided to electrify my car, so that anyone touching it will immediately be toasted…something nice to dream about anyway :slight_smile:

9

Do not electrify your car. It uses the body and chasis as a ground for the electric system. If you apply current to it it will fry your ignition module, (among other things). Not the best course of action, unless destroying your own car is your idea of revenge.

10

Sit on your porch every night for 2 weeks drinking beer and holding a chainsaw on your lap.

Guarentee the little punks will not come near your house again.

11

Catch 'em, strip 'em naked, then tattoo em to look like easter eggs.

Then paint “I am a thief” on their chest, back, and foreheads, and leave them tied up in the middle of your town’s square. Call your local TV station after you drop them off.

12

A running chainsaw would be more effective, but keep it away from your lap, or you’ll need superglue for your balls.

13

Not to be overly practical, but how 'bout a good old-fashioned camer, with a flash?

You could get one of those disposable ones, and snap a whole roll of punks: [Punks vandalizing car], [Punks looking up in horror when they notice the flash], [Punks’ cowardly asses running down the street], [Punks’ cowardly asses running down the street], [Punks’ cowardly asses running down the street], [Punks’ cowardly asses running down the street] . . .

14

Why do newbies so often expect us to get naked with them? I hardly know you!

15

Well, they sound like the kind of kids who have some kind of forbidden stuff on them at all times. You know that one of them had a screwdriver…do you know where they go to school? If so, call their school or have a friend call (either way, from a payphone) and report them as a group or individually for carrying weapons. In today’s zero-tolerance atmosphere, it’s likely they’ll be searched, SOMETHING unlawful will be found, and they’ll get booted/arrested. One potential downside: a suspended/expelled kid just has more time to hang around the neighborhood and cause trouble.

16

A few years back I kept gasoline in a jerry can on the back of my jeep. One night it got drained, so I put a pound of sugar in the tank before I refilled it. The next week, the teenager across the street had the engine hatch open on his VW and had that fucker torn apart; carbeuretor off, working on removing the head. As I parked my jeep, I called over to him: “What happened? Ya get some bad gas?” I never kept gas in that can anymore and my gas tank had a locking cap, so I didn’t worry about any reprisals.

In your situation, I would get a canister of pepper spray with a good range to it. Then I would watch the car. The next time I saw the little pricks working the door lock with the screwdriver, I would quietly exit the house through the back/side door and walk stealthily to the car, pepper spray in hand. As soon as one of them heard me approach, I would aim for the eyes. Chances are they’ll run. Here you have a choice: do you grab the nearest one and use reasonable means to restrain him or let them go home while you call the cops to report that the neighborhood gang members vandalized your car and threatened you with a weapon?

Seriously, I think the camera is a good idea. I also think a car alarm is a good idea too.