I’ve wanted to start this for quite some time but wasn’t sure if would take off or die a long lingering thread killing death.
But the gist is, we all have stories, real life stories - our own or from someone we know - that stick with you. Funny, sad, poignant, whatever. Stories that someone showing incredible strength or class or wit in situations. Stories that you constantly retell in the real world as ‘this is so funny’ or ’ I got a friend who did something like that…but better’ stories.
Stories that need to be heard but probably will fade into oblivion because there just isn’t a forum for them anywhere, until now.
I’ll start with my favorite story.
**Set up **
K, my friend was about 28 at the time. 5’8’’, very heavy set barrel chested guy. About 240 pounds at the time. K is one of the funniest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and am proud to consider a friend. He is similar to Chris Farley but with a great range of accents and personalities with the fat guy loveable-ness. Great guy, K, is. (This is important) He is a sports reporter for a german news paper here in town. K, also, given his weight, likes to eat.
**The Story **
Lunch time. Pizza hut. All you can eat pizza buffet. K is in line by himself to wait for a seat. There is a mom with her two young kids before him.
In the door comes immediately a litany of “fuck, there is a line!”
followed by six exceptionally tall - NBA-esque - sized men. Early twenties, he guessed, their ages. All dressed in the latest fashions.
*Must be here to try out for the Pistons * K thinks, hoping their language will not repeat itself.
It does not. One guy in particular was being very foul mouthed.
K turned around and said, " Do you mind, there are children here."
The guy did mind given the facial expression but quieted down a little.
*Good, maybe that will be the end of that * K thought.
A few moments pass.
The teenage waitress comes up and asks, " Who’s next?"
Jumping in front of the Mom and two kids, LoudMouth said, " We are."
K intervened, " No, This lady and her children are next. Then after me, it will be you guys."
LoudMouth and his posse are irritated, but put in their place for a little while. As luck would have it, the waitress sits K in a booth next to the long table of LoudMouth and his group. He ignored them and their rude comments whilst reading a newspaper. They were dissing him and just being really unpleasant, making everyone in the place really uncomfortable. The place is packed. Every table full. It was like they were trash talking straight from the hood and didn’t realize they were in a family style restaurant. The waitstaff, being all teenagers, just moused about, avoiding the table except to refill drinks.
LoudMouth and his boys were trash taking K, calling him fatboy and a host of other terms, which K would shoot back with adult like responses, which is very un-K like. " This is a family restaurant, not your living room, please act accordingly."
The entire meal this went back and forth. K started to worry because eventually he was going to have to leave the restaurant and go into the parking lot, where he feared physical confrontation. Trash talking he can easily hand, Physical stuff, he was out numbered and out gunned. He started to sweat because that was exactly where LoudMouth and crew were leaning towards.
It’s an all you can eat buffett * K thought to himself * I know I can sit here all afternoon and eat until they just grow bored and leave. So that isn’t a problem… The longer he sat there he realized he should get back to work ( not that he’d get fired, its a very open place where he works.) but going on an hour and a half lunch wasn’t looking too good that these guys were going to be leaving any time soon and they were looking for a confrontation.
Every time K got up from the table to go to the buffett, he had to pass this table of foul mouthed, rude young men making disparaging remarks towards him. Every time he passed them he wondered how he would get himself out of this mess. Several passes later, K is really sweating. But he knows he will get himself out of it, the answer is deep inside him and it will surface. All will be well, he knows, but he is still really nervous. And when he is nervous, he eats. With every pass, these guys are talking about handing him his ass in the parking lot. Deep inside, buried under the deep dish pizza’s he’s been eating, he knows the answer is waiting to surface.
Then as he is making another pass to the pizza table, it hits him - in a clarifying moment of pure brilliance - exactly what to say. He leans over into LoudMouth’s ear, saying just loud enough for the entire table to overhear, ** So tell me son, have you ever assaulted a Police Officer before? **
Those guys *didn’t say one word after that *
When K told this story ( at our engagement party) it brought down the house.