Well, to be fair, the people in category a) are sometimes right, unfortunately…
It’s not your responsibility, but proceeding regardless of his status was in bad taste. The “other woman” thing is pretty entertaining, FWIW.
Okay, doubters, here is a test. Go to Craigslist. Your town or the nearest big city. Check the missed connections, gay male or casual section. Search with married, straight, wedding band/ring. Take note of the straight guys looking for oral from other men. It’s frequent, it’s common; it’s a thing.
I wouldn’t be so sure about that:eek:
But to get back to the OP, dude you need to back away from guy number two. If you know he has been sleeping around with multiple people, you are putting YOURSELF at risk. I doubt a serious perv like him bothers to be safe or use protection while cheating on his wife. And even if you don’t feel a moral obligation to tell her, you should at least have an ethical one, because who knows how many STDs she has been exposed to and placed at risk for. Both you and she need to get tested ASAP. That guy is a serious selfish a-hole. :mad:
ahahahahahahahahaha…OMG stop, I can’t breathe.
HOWEVER, satire though this may be the article did have one interesting quote about how it isn’t adultery if a straight guy has sex with a man. I think this isn’t anything new, (see bacha bazi, castrati, ancient Greeks, pedastry etc.) This is a reoccurring theme throughout history and society. Nothing new, but dud you have to realize you are being used. They don’t care or respect you any more than their wives or girlfriends they are trying to cheat on with you.
(I hope I didn’t offend, because the few examples I could think of off the top of my head generally involve adolescents and I in no way mean to imply closeted gay males are all pedophiles!! In fact, the guys who did/do participate in this extramarital same sex affairs do label themselves as straight. I too am confused by the apparent cognitive dissonance.)
If you are male and they are male then they are not straight.
He is bisexual maybe, but he is not straight.
C’mon, this guy is not straight. Not close to straight.
Does “straight” now mean something other than 100% heterosexual?
While the situations you’re discussing are problematic in plenty of ways, this statement is one I think you might want to look at another way: the guys you’re describing aren’t “closeted gays.” They’re likely bisexual, and possibly only slightly so.
The notion that men who are interested in any male intimacy are “secretly gay” is itself an outgrowth of homophobic thinking.
Sexuality can be a much more fluid thing, and sometimes people like experimenting and playing. A man can desire sex with another man without being gay, and that doesn’t need to involve any dishonesty – to himself or otherwise.
That’s not to say you can’t choose to only have sex with openly gay men; it’s fine to be attracted to people of an orientation. But be cautious of considering somebody to be dishonest because they may have a nonbinary orientation or even simple curiosity outside their orientation.
Kinda like the kid picked last in gym class bragging about being picked. I’m not so attractive I turn straight men gay, I’ve been putting minimal effort into my appearance, my ability to attract men I’m interested is quite low as it stands. I’m the only option these particular guys looking to have gay sex see as available.
Coming to the Straight Dope for actual emotional support would be a lost cause. Anyone doing so is more likely to receive ridicule for having emotions to begin with.
Unfortunately my guy feeling is to try and to help them emotionally. Walking away is probably a better option.
It’s a fact of gay life that men willing to sleep around are a risk. The fact that particular guy also sleeps with women doesn’t change much. If I wanted to eliminate risk I’d have to do away with a sex life all together or look for that one guy abstaining from sex before marriage I’d have no interest in. I’m well aware risk and safer sex practices and am tested regularly. I have no intention of not having sex.
I understand the disasters brought by promiscuous partners but do not feel an ethical obligation to be the STD police. I’m not going to go around informing people of their partners promiscuity. I’ll stick to the role of confidant and recommend safer sex.
Maybe you could read the thread rather then harp on the thread title, it was somewhat in jest and somewhat true. As I mentioned up thread if someone identifies as straight that’s the orientation I identify them as regardless of what their actions might imply.
We’ll try to write up a list someday, so you can neatly categorize people under your black and white definitions. It’ll be rather short so you can easily follow along.
I think we view the term ‘closeted’ very differently, as you define it it seems it could never apply to a bisexual. I believe someone can be in the closet about one aspect of their sexuality.
Sexual desire doesn’t represent any dishonesty, dishonesty comes about when they feel that the desire needs to be keep secret from themselves or otherwise.
It is an arbitrary limitation I impose for my own well being. I don’t think men who are bisexual or in that vast gray area of sexuality are inherently dishonest.
Guys who are willing to cheat on their partners in order to pursue sexual relations regardless of gender are dishonest.
I’m trying to decide if that’s a typo or not. 
Another question, also because of Dmark’s story. How agressive would you say your experiences were? In my experience as a woman, men can range from politely pursuing you to aggressively demanding sex as if it is their right. Somehow, the persistance in both your stories seems quite aggressive to me. Even after a clear “no” they are still adamant that you should want to have sex with them. Just because you are gay, they have a right to have sex with you.
Were you ever intimidated at any point? Not necessarily scared, they were sort-of friends after all, but being pursued can be intimidating if they won’t give up. I wonder about this, because some it sounds like experiences I have had with men who think they are entitled to have sex with me because I am a woman. So I’m wondering if it is also partially homophobic: they think they have a right to have sex with you.
I think to me, that might be the most upsetting thing. You think you’re friends, turns out they see you as a sex object. But maybe I’m reading too much into this?
I get that a lot. 
But they almost always want money. 
Maybe you are somehow overlooking the fact that I went well past the thread title
with my comments. I will sometimes not go past OP when I reply to an OP. Doing so
leads to occasional usually trivial redundancy which should not be enough to bother anyone.
There was no semblance or vestige of jest in OP.
That is as silly as accepting self-identification as a liberal by someone who is opposed
to equal civil rights for women, ethnic minorities and non-heterosexuals.
My definitions accurately describe reality. Yours do not.
colonial, you might enjoy arguing with the DMV, as I was required to select the term “white” to describe my general appearance. Chalk is white. Clouds are often white. The letters on my tires: white. My skin color ranges from pink, to peach, tan to brown. Sunburned red on occasion. But white? Not even on the day I was born. Persons of African descent might also point out that the myriad shades of brown skin they sport isn’t black as coal. What’s the story? You reckon that the world isn’t actually black and white?
That is unfortunately too often true.
Well, actually, these are discussions here, not soliloquies. If people want to participate in them, it would behoove them to read everyone else’s contributions. That’s my opinion on the subject, anyway.
Colonial, you seem confused. Let me help you by pointing out the following two obvious facts:
-
There is no official committee on what words mean.
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There is no reason why someone’s full set of sexual desires and identifications must fit neatly into a one-word description.
So, if a guy only wants relationships with women and only has a general sexual attraction to women but wants to do something with a dick every now and again, it is ok to call that person straight because mostly they are. Describing theirfull sexual feelings etc just takes more words than one, and that’s ok.
boytyperanma, maybe the shame belongs to your cheating, in denial partners. In a perfect world curious straight guys would be single when the urge to experiment arises, but it’s much easier to deny bicuriosity when one is going home to a heterosexual partner.
I do. He wore you down. I’m not going to say you’re blameless, but it’s understandable.
The appropriate DMV analogy would be eye color, not race.
In the context of racial skin tone “white” and “black” are conventional cultural terms,
not meant to be literally accurate. However, eye color is meant to be literally accurate.
The story is that the world is actually sometimes is black and white, as you note in your edit.
Culturally, my ancestors are English, Scottish, and Native American. I’m white-ish. And as others keep telling you, sexuality is a spectrum. Sometimes, a pendulum. But rarely is it an absolute.
The only confusion rests with people like you who are somehow unaware of the obvious
fact that precise definition is essential to the precise expression of precise thought,
and we do not need any committee to inform us of the obvious need for precision.
Yes there is a reason, addressed above. And it so happens there are words available
which provide neat fits.
This approach does nothing but introduce a needless and specious ambiguity. Instead of
a simple and accurate “yes or no” with a clear-cut boundary, you would impose a yes,
no or maybe situation, with an arbitrary boundary forming the transition from “maybe”
to “yes” or “no”.