I recently spent a week in Florida with some friends that used to live up in my area. They has a son (12) and two daughters, we’ll call them Sarah (15) and Katie (16).
Both of them will wear the same type of clothes no matter where they’re going. Sarah will wear long sleeves and long pants even in the Florida heat, black or grey or other drab colors and that look several sizes too big for her. At the beach while the rest of us put on our swimming suits and went in the water she stayed under the umbrella reading books and looking miserable in the heat.
Meanwhile Katie will get dressed up like she’s going to church or out for a nice dinner no matter where she’s going- school, to the grocery store, even to her dentist appointment. And she’ll often spend the better part of an hour picking out just which shoes, earrings, headband or hat, bracelets, dress, cosmetics and shoes she wants to wear, often making the family late. I even saw multiple bicycle helmets for her in the garage, apparently so she can pick a color that goes with whatever dress she’s wearing.
As you can image they get stared at when they go out as a family. I didn’t want to pry into their business too much, but the son (who dresses like you’d expect, and perhaps a bit embarrassed by them) approached me and said that there’s issues at school with the other kids teasing them over their clothes, and Katie even got put in in school suspension when things escalated. He said that Sarah’s really shy, modest, and self conscious about her body, while Katie does it to feel good about herself- like a princess.
The parents kind of dismisses it as “a phase they’re going through, we let them wear what they want” and hinted that they’re glad they doesn’t have to deal with them getting bad grades or drug use or promiscuity or anything of that nature. Not having kids on my own I’m not sure if this is within the bounds of a “phase”. I guess I’m just curious- has anyone known any teens girls like this? Do they go through bizarre phases?
Yes. It’s a phase. Next summer it will be different. Teens, what are you gonna do?
The parents are right if their grades are good, if its within the dress code at school and they are otherwise healthy, ignore it, It will pass.
Sarah’s clothing choices could be a phase, but they could also be a response to body perception issues, unwanted attention to her body, or even traumatic experience. It would be irresponsible to speculate, but people generally don’t endure ongoing discomfort such as covering up in intense heat for no reason, even if it appears to outsiders that teenagers do a lot of things for no reason.
Adults dismissing the reasons teens do things as silly can often be off-putting to teens, who have reasons for what they do, but often have a very different context that cannot easily be explained to adults, and don’t have as much life experience to draw on for alternate solutions.
Anyway, I sincerely hope Sarah is just going through some sort of phase rather than experiencing significant discomfort to avoid something she regards as worse.
reminds me of someone’s ~14-year-old son who had no problem going outside in snow when it was under 20°F out in nothing more than a hoodie, shorts, and sneakers. of course, when he was inside he was always turning up the thermostat because he was “cold.”
Baggy, concealing clothing is sometimes worn by young people with eating disorders to hide the changes in their bodies. If even her family doesn’t see her uncovered, that could be a red flag.
As for Katie, what kind of outfits was she wearing that caused her school to discipline her?
Probably just a phase for the loose-clothing teen as it is a fairly common style amongst teen girls right now. Though it kind of strikes me as suspect for a day at the beach. Some kids keep their arms/legs covered so others won’t notice their self-harm marks or tracks.
From what I understand of the incident the school didn’t have a problem with her outfit, but some of the other kids were teasing / bullying her about wearing nice dresses to school when the other kids I presume wear typical t-shirts and shorts, which led this time to some kind of shouting match or scuffle, and the school put everyone into in school suspension to cool down.
Another parent, adding my voice to the chorus of “it’s a phase but the girl consistently and constantly covering up raises a flag”
Having only sons, not sure how I would go about figuring out what was going on with the modest daughter. Enlist the aid of my sister most likely (who has 3 daughters of her own)
I realize that most people today see nothing wrong with dressing immodestly.
But why do so many people seem to feel that dressing modestly is somehow wrong or a red flag? Several people in this thread seem to feel that it’s a problem that somehow needs to be “fixed.” It’s unusual in hot weather, certainly–but that doesn’t make it a red flag.
The cover up raises a flag. Could be just a phase, and no need to worry or dig deeper. But it smells “flag” to this parent of 3 biological girls.
My middle child covered up all middles school. Helped to explain things when a few weeks ago right before starting high school, came out as trans. (“I got good news and bad news for you Dad: you’ve gained a son and lost a daughter.”)
The parents kind of dismisses it as “a phase they’re going through, we let them wear what they want” and hinted that they’re glad they doesn’t have to deal with them getting bad grades or drug use or promiscuity or anything of that nature. [/QUOTE
The parents should be proud of them.
People here aren’t saying the modest clothes are a problem that needs to be fixed; they’re saying the clothes might signal an underlying problem that needs to be fixed. Key word: might. An unusually thin girl might have a health problem, or might just be built that way. A girl who stays home alone instead of going out with friends might suffer from depression, anxiety, or other issues, or she might just be an introvert. A girl who covers up completely even when it causes her apparent physical discomfort might just be modest, or temporarily weirded out by her changing body, or rebelling against something, or some other benign explanation that doesn’t need a solution. Or she might have a real problem and be in need of help. Victims of sexual abuse, people who self-harm, and people with eating disorders commonly dress the way this girl is described. We all see things through our own dirty lenses, but one of us might be right. I hope not, but if we are, I hope she gets the help she needs.
You don’t need an eating disorder for that. I went from being the second-thinnest girl in my class to size 14 hips and C cups in a period of three months: everything hurt, I had more stripes than a tiger, nothing fit…
I know women who’ve been Katie since we were that age. In one case, her husband didn’t see her without makeup until they were married (when they went to the beach she wouldn’t get in, to avoid getting “unfixed”).
All those people saying the modesty outfits might be a red flag: Yes, they might. But even if the parents are aware of such problem and getting their daughter appropriate help they might not want to discuss the matter with anyone outside the family (barring counselors/doctors/etc.)
Another reason might be not trauma but some sort of medical condition. When my eczema/other skin problems are acting up I cover up about that thoroughly because, first of all, the exposed surfaces are raw, irritated, painful, and sometimes even oozing and covering up can both protect them and help make me less uncomfortable. The second reason is that I’d rather people treat me as an oddly modest sort of mild weirdo than avoid and/or treat me like a leper because I have an ugly skin condition.
Again, that might not be something the family wishes to discuss outside the family.
Adolescent girls often, maybe even usually, have body image difficulties. It can be very challenging to suddenly shift from being a person to being a sex object, generally without your permission or control.
I knew a family whose (at the time) 7-year old boy wore his clothes inside out. All the time, even to school. The parents took the approach that this was a harmless way for the kid to express himself and let it go. The dad told me that they got a call from the school, “Bobby is wearing his clothes inside out.” Dad replied, “Yeah, we’ve been noticing that, too.”
