Strange new relationship

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

On a business trip, I ran into this attractive woman I had some ties to, as it turned out (though we never met, I was a faculty member at the small college she attended while she was attending it, a few decades ago, and I taught for two years in her major–we knew a lot of people in common and were fairly amazed that we never met). Anyway, I needed some help (still do) in running a part of my college I’m in charge of, and she said she was doing some consulting in that area, so I gave her a card.

She wrote to me, outlined what she could do for me (not much) and while we were exchanging emails figuring out that I wouldn’t need her consultation for at least a few months, we started telling each other some details about our personal lives–nothing too intimate, mainly that we’re both between relationships. Since I’ve had six months or more since my breakup, I mostly offered consolation as to how these things feel lousy at first and then slowly improve, bbbyyy, and we’ve told some of the issues in our relationships of the past. We’ve exchanged about a half dozen emails, all personal but hardly intimate.

She seems like a nice person, and attractive and smart, but she lives about a five hour drive away, and she gets to my city once or twice a year, and I haven;t been to hers but once or twice since I left that college 20 years ago, so there’s very little chance of our getting together for a casual coffee or a meal for at least a few more months. It seems silly to drive 10 hours round trip for a first date, and even meeting halfway seems a bit much to ask. OTOH, if she lived closer I would definitely ask her out, but this seems a unmanagable distance to start something and less manageable to maintain something. There’s almost no chance that either of us will move from our current locations.

I’ve never had an e-mail relationship before. My last one broke up, in fact, in part because my ex-girlfriend lived about an hour away, and I preferred not to make that drive on a daily basis, which was one of her complaints–so this drive is out of the question.

E-mail is an okay way to get to know each other initially, but it gets old fast, I think. I mean, I’m a writer by profession, and my e-mails are pretty lively and well written, as are hers, but I can’t see myself composing e-mails for an hour or more a day (as I’ve been doing this week) indefinitely, and I’m not much of a phone person, either. Every relationship I’ve been in, I got to know the woman by actually spending time with her, and that doesn’t seem to be happening any time soon here, so this feels peculiar. It’s interesting for now, but I don’t see how we could sustain this.

Anyone ever do something like this for a protracted period? How’d it go?

2

Not strictly email, but it began in a chat room and progressed to Yahoo Instant Messenger.

Did it for a year, and got married. In February, we’ll be married 3 years, and it’s been 4 years since we first met in the chatroom.

Of course, a large part of our success might be due to the fact that, 3 years later, and we’re still not living together, though we’re getting closer to it :wink: He lived in South Africa when we met, then moved to Egypt for work. So I moved to South Africa… At least we’re on the same continent now.

3

You knew each other for a year without ever having met? What was that like?

I’m writing her all of these intensely personal messages, while trying to avoid TMI like crazy, but it’s kind of hard to avoid the risk of scaring the hell out of her with my truths while discussing personal issues with her. (Not that I’m a recovering axe-murderer or anything, but I think we all have truths that we want to keep to ourselves early in any relationship.) IRL, the truths would pop out whenever appropriate, and I could use her body language, tone of voice, etc. to gauge when I was risking too much and dial it back, but in e-mail I’m pissed at myself every time I hit the “send” button, either for telling her too much or for risking too little.

It’s not an unpleasant experience–it’s kind of fun, really–but I’m having a tough time seeing how this could be sustained over the long run. Was it hard to do, TMINC? How’d you handle the balancing act, or did it not come up for you?

4

pseud, honey, take a deep breath and take your own emotional pulse here for a second. What is it you really want – in general, not specifically from her – in a relationship at this point in your life? Do you want a relationship or would it just be nice to get laid once in a while? If Ms. Right came along – someone who just astonished you with the strength of your connection – would you really be open to pursuing that with all good faith, or would that be more intimacy than you actually, in your heart of hearts, want?

Okay, figure out those answers and meditate on them a little bit.

And then figure out what the nature of your attraction to this woman is. Okay, she’s smart, funny, attractive, charming, empathetic, whatever. Maybe she’s “suitable,” whatever that might mean to you at this point in your life. Or maybe there’s a real draw there. If she were living two hours from you, how often would you want to see her? If she were living an hour from you, how often would you want to see her? If she were living three blocks from you, how often would you want to see her?

5

Them’s good questions, Twicks. I guess if she were living within an hour of here, I’d ask her out and we’d see what was what. It’s more the mechanics of getting any kind of relationship off the ground via e-mail that I’m concerned about here, not the overarching issue of what I want out of a relationship at this point.

But to answer you, I don’t know if I’m a good candidate for any sort of committed relationship just now, or ever again. I’m still willing to consider it, but I do like being by myself, free to do whatever I feel like (mostly pretty mundane stuff) without thinking of how my SO would like what I’m doing with my time, etc. I could certainly handle having a relationship with someone whom I saw a couple of weekends per month, so maybe that’s what appeals to me about this woman’s distance, but when I’ve had relationships lately any closer geographically it felt claustrophobic. Of course, I haven’t had any long-distance relationships, ether, so maybe that would feel claustrophobic, too, but without the advantages of a face-to-face relationship.

6

Yeah,

makes it sound as though your socks are still on your feet.

There are plenty of people who will be along to talk about the mechanics of getting such a relationship off the ground – but I think you need to examine whether that’s really what you want to do, and if so, why. And then, if you do decide you’re that interested, what the hell, take the direct approach: “You’re someone I’d like to get to know better, but the distance thing means we’d only probably see each other once a month or so, and I’m really not a good phone person, though I’d be good for a couple of substantial emails a week also – is that enough for you?” If it’s not, then there’s no point in worrying about the mechanics.

And it may be that the giddy, brief mutal exchange that you’re currently enjoying is all that there will be to this relationship.

And it may be that this is the start of A Great Love.

But start by figuring out what you want. If you’re going to … (ah, let me not project my anger at my recent situation on you – you’re my friend, not my punching bag. Besides, you’ve already heard that story. :wink: )

7

My girlfriend and I met, online, on an obscure international lesbian community site.

That was 10 months ago. Last month she moved into my house outside of Atlanta…from Bismarck North Dakota.

As my job (and resultant cyberjunkie lifestyle) has me online ofthen 10+ hours a day, email, instant messenger, and voip played a key role in our burgeoning relationship, but talking on the phone was by far our primary method of getting to know eachother and coping with the distance.

We also saw eachother in person at least every month or so. I never would’ve thought it was possible to see eachother as often as we did, but when things feel right you find a way to make it work.

8

It is definitely not easy - and it certainly isn’t for everyone. I have to say, trying to do it simply through email seems to be the most challenging way to go about it. All of our conversations were pretty much real time, with instant feedback. Plus we eventually migrated to Yahoo Voice so it was basically like having many, many long (LONG) phone conversations.

Sustaining the relationship itself is something of a challenge. It works for me because I really like being by myself a lot, and have no problems doing the things that many people require a second person for - going to the movies, or out to eat, etc. But believe me, there are definitely times when I really wish I could do them all with him, and there have definitely been some difficult times.

But in your case, it wouldn’t necessarily have to be like that. Your email conversations could just be the gateway to more - 5 hours is hardly an insurmountable distance if you guys decide you want to explore further. I’d save the really heavy stuff for the time when things maybe start to look a little clearer. (Oh, and as to how my husband I handled that: we had a “game” where we’d ask each other questions back and forth, and whatever question you asked, you had to answer yourself. One of the first questions I ever asked him was “What is the one thing you wish you could tell me but haven’t had a chance to…” Led to a very interesting, enlightening conversation!)